Losing Friendships

Hi all Well here I come again seeking your thoughts, support, or advice. I have a friend (we've been friends since 7th grade) who has seemed to disappeared. I rarely hear from her anymore. Now, I know that the down side to this surgery is the possibility of losing friends because they feel jealous, you're no longer the biggest, or because you just simply can't eat like you used to. I just feel really weird about this. My friend hasn't said anything about the surgery to me, other than ask at the beginning (2 months ago) how much weight I've lost. I tried making convo about this with her and tried to explain how my eating habits have changed and all I get from her is "ah, I see...". Then she took my sis out to lunch for her b-day in March and I guess she asked her if she too was having the surgery and my sister said "no". Then my friend replies "Oh good!" what is that suppose to mean? My birthday was in April and we had made plans to go out for lunch but she never called me back. I don't know what's up and knowing her, she probably has something going on (there is ALWAYS something going on--some new problem of hers). I have always tried to be supportive and lend her an ear or shoulder but I feel like she hasn't done the same for me. I want to confront her and ask her why she's being so distant. So, I sent her a message and it read like this: "Hi, I rarely see you're on the messenger. How are you doing? It'd be nice if you called or emailed once in a while (because it does work both ways). Or is it you don't want to keep in touch any more?" She sent me a message back saying if I want to get together Monday...I'm still thinking about it. Sorry this post is so long... Anybody else going through something like this? I would appreciate any feedback. Thanks! Elisa

Just so you know, we love you. Sometimes people can't forgive us for stepping out of the role they've placed us in. Just know that there are many wonderful people out there, or here, just waiting for a wonderful person to share with. My husband used to say, when we were dating, that all we ever did is go to the movies, and out to eat. I'm trying to change those habits so I can maintain my lifestyle changes. He is amazed, and though he struggles with me, and my varying levels of motivation, I know he'll remain the friend I married. (pain in the butt that he is, I love him) My mother.... Well, let me see. Conversations on the phone with her usually are one sided. My end going "yeah, uh-hu, really", for an hour or more. She constantly puts me and my actions down, while tooting her own horn. She has told me again, and again how she thinks I mutilated myself with my drastic surgery, and she would've tried to talk me out of it if I had told her in time, etc... As you may tell, I'm reaching the end of my rope with her, but I keep on trying, even though she shows me no consideration. Sometimes I just let the phone ring, if I know it's her, so I don't have to be bothered. Oh-well. You can pick your nose, but not your family. Do you have kids? The reason I ask is I rember that several of my "friends" stopped comming around after I had my son. I think this change in our lives is comperable to that. Major. Don't let it get you down. Sometimes change is good. You just have to weed out the bad so the good can flourish. Gosh

Gosh, you're a sweetie. I understand what you are saying-I liked how you worded the beginning of your post, it's so true. I don't have kids but I have noticed how "friends" tend to stay away when you do have them or even when you get married. I definitely think this change is good and I would even dare to say I would take this change over my friendship with this person. I'm sorry your mom isn't more supportive. Maybe, she'll come to terms with your decision or see how beneficial this surgery really is with time. Thank you for your support. Elisa

I don't think I have any good advice, I've found that friends are often seasonal, it's not necessarily a bad thing. I don't think that means we stop loving each other, but people grow apart, interests change, maybe she DOES feel threatened by you. I think you can try and fight to keep the friendship, but that doesn't always mean the other person has the same commitment [like with a spouse or a family member, and nowadays even that is no guarantee!]. If you still want to be her friend, try not to take it personally and for now take what she's willing and able to give. If that's not enough, or if you feel used or neglected, then maybe it's time to move on to new friends. Sorry I couldn't be more upbeat, this is an issue I've gone thru lots of times in my life, so I'm sensitive about it. xosm

GG, I agree...I've never had any problems with not talking or hanging with friends for a long while and then all of a sudden start hanging out again. It's just that this time the way the friendship "tapered" off was a bit fishy. I guess I just want to make sure it wasn't the surgery that made her distance herself because I am the same person regardless of whatever pounds I lose. Anyway, I am going to take her up on her offer and see what happens. If she mentions nothing or makes nothing of it then I think I will just move on. I don't like to beat around the bush and not willing to play any games (I'm too old for that). Thanks GG for your support and don't worry about sounding upbeat--you helped me lots. Take care Elisa

Elisa, weigh the pros and cons of trying to continue a friendship with her. Would your life be more enriched by having her in it? Or is she a weight that you have carried and you are constantly having to bolster her ego and moods. If she comes out lacking , cut your losses. Many things in life just aren't worth the effort we put into maintaining them, and in the long run, we are better off without them cluttering up the "shelves". Forget the confrontation.... you probably won't get a straight answer anyway.

Fit N Lite, I think at times I've felt like she came to me only to vent & talk about her problems or feelings and I would be there to listen & boost her self-esteem. Don't get me wrong, she's been there for me too but not in the same way. She is more of a generous friend who, in my opinion, tends to "buy" friends by treating them to lunch, gifts, or what-have-you. She's not an awful person but it is difficult for her to make friends & keep them around. I think sometimes--as silly as it may sound-I'm too loyal of a friend. Thanks for you advice & support. Elisa