My Relationship With Food

The sad thing is that some days I sit there at the dinner table with my family (I don't live at my parent's house, I just go over there for dinner) and I stare at their plates and think, "Man, I wish I could eat that much mashed potatoes! Shoot, that turkey with gravy looks AMAZING! What was I thinking getting this surgery?!!?!" I realize now that I think that way because I am still a newbie. (Had surgery 2-22) And that's okay. I am dealing with my food demons, too, but, hey, I'm dealing with them. They tell me in support group that after a while you don't feel that or think that you HAVE TO eat that plate of whatever it is you used to eat the most of. I have a friend that ran from her food demons, and she's having the hardest time keeping her weight down. She will drive 3 hours to get to a restaurant just because she heard it has good wings or soup or whatever. I MUST deal with my food demons and attitudes toward my ex-friend, Food, or else I will be right back where I was before surgery. I long for the day when I can look at their plates and NOT think, "I wish I could have their portions!" And I want to be able to look them in their EYES and pay more attention to the conversation, than shoving food in my mouth! And you know what? It REALLY grosses me out to hear some of them CHEW! I mean, I am repulsed by the sound of chewing now! I'm sure I sounded like that before surgery, but sometimes I have to leave the room or do something else so I don't toss the contents of my pouchie! *deep inhale and slow exhale* Thanks for letting me vent. You guys are the best! Jen Halliday P.S. On the plus side, I went to my surgeon's office today so I could weigh myself.....I don't have a scale and I would rather just go there so I don't weigh myself all the time. I weigh 279 #, an overall loss of 53 and 42 since the day of the surgery! WOO-HOO!! That's what makes it worthwhile, eh?

CONRGATS ON YOUR WEIGHT LOSSSSS!! NOW... girl friend we all understand what your going through. Let me tell you what i do when i feel that way. I play the "what would i eat if i didnt have the surgery" game. either out loud to people who understand or to myself. and i say all the things i would eat. Like when i go to a resturant i say i will have the ______ BUT if i did not have the surgery i would of had___________________________________________________! i know it sounds stupid but it helped me cause i could still in my head only pick out the food i really wanted I know its hard and i too need to find a way to deal with my demons i dont know what to do now when i get sad....cant eat...cant shop thats pointless lol so just know when your going through it someone in the world someone else is and be strong for yourself and for that person you dont even know cause in a few weeks months or even years you will be able to post, talk or email someone who is going through what you are going through right now and you will beable to help them. STAY STRONG SISTA! I believe in you! J 271/227/143

Julie, sista, shooooot! That is it. I didn't want to mention any foods in case they were trigger foods for someone else, but dang! That is how I'm feeling! Thank you SO much for replying! What you said hit home with me! Today is a MUCH better day; not quite so emotional and my head is clearer. *whew* Jen Halliday

OMG Jen you are doing great!! -52# overall loss is awesome . Listen, I know what you mean. You know what I've noticed about other people's eating? I bet I used to do this too but since the surgery I was told to chew, chew, chew the food really well before swallowing right? Well, I've noticed how people have food in their mouth and haven't finished chewing but they go in to put more food in their mouths without finishing what they were chewing already. It is hard watching others eat those large portions of food but just think of the success you are having at losing #s, if you ate the way they do you wouldn't be losing all this weight. I'm glad you are able to go to support groups. Unfortunately, where I live there aren't any support groups, so I come here to fill that void. Anyway, you are doing great--it'll get easier, just takes time. Hang in there. Elisa

elisa no support groups here for me either so i understand your doing great and i apperciate you and i hope you know that you help me alot i hope i can be as good as a supported as you are J

Elisa, NO JOKE! It is SO hard watching my dad eat because he eats not only with his mouth open, he shovels food in before he's done with the first bite. My sister, whom I live with, doesn't chew all the way and just swallows big bites. To think I was that way! *reflective moment* I know things will be different once I lose....well, actually, I have lost a nice chunk of weight. I don't want to be a person that says, "I'll be happy when I'm down at this weight" and then when I get there I'm not happy and set a new goal. I am happy now! I just experience hiccups in the road.....wait, bumps in the road, not hiccups! Elisa, thank you VERY much for replying. Your post meant a lot! You know, I think I WILL hang in there....and you, too! Jen Halliday

I know that this is a terrible thing to say but maybe just once you need to try to eat that HUGE portion. After getting sick once or twice you won't feel that urge or desire to overeat ! There have been a couple of times that I got sick after eating too fast and it took me a couple of times but I have learned thru experience that I have to slow down and breathe ! I know that it isn't the perfect answer and that a therapist would probably give me holy hell but we each need to discover what will work for us. Congrats on the weight loss ! So proud of you...

A week ago I tried eating a bigger portion and I threw up. I was in agony for two and a half hours until I leaned over the sink and it projectiled out. No joke. No finger down the throat, no sniff the toilet bowl until it made me sick; just pure, unadulterated vomit in the sink. And it was such a little amount!! Yesterday was a grieving for me, I think because I would NEVER again put myself through what I experienced last week! I think I was just mourning the loss of food. It comes in layers and it comes in different waves of realization. However, today I have a clearer head and realize that it's a process. It really is going to be okay. Thanks for your reply, Terri. I don't know if I would advocate eating that huge portion to throw up, either, but your response was still welcome and appreciated! Thank you! Jen Halliday

Jen, I know where you're coming from. I just had my first meltdown over the weekend over a bag of cheese puffs. I didn't want them and I didn't eat them but my hubby had them and when he offered to throw them away because they were bothering me I burst into tears like a baby. He was really confused. I spent a month pre-surg mourning "volume", going to restaurants and ordering soup to nuts until I felt like a piggy, and enjoying every bit; I thought I had it all going on, y'know?. Sometimes I think volume is what I mourn the most so I totally understand what you felt. But, This weekend was the first time I felt what it's like to face off with a "trigger" food. Cupcakes, cookies, pretzels, ice cream...doesn't bother me to give them up, but dang, those cheesies...I scared myself with those emotions...but now I know. Support group says it's all in how you face these things down and that after about 6 mos. when the mind catches up and the weight falls off, it'll right itself. Here's hoping for all our sakes.... Jackie

Girlfriend I can soooooooooo relate...I call this madness "head hunger"!!! At times it can be maddening. I hate commercials...it's like I'm being tortured...like the poor horse with the carrot dangling on a string so it will keep walking...but it will never catch that carrot!!! At certain times I'm in mourning for the cakes and sweets I'll never have again...then I remind myself it was those cakes, etc. that had my blood pressure off the charts...made me a borderline diabetic...had me huffing and puffing just climbing the stairs in my house...almost had me shut in my house because I was so embarrassed about my weight. So when "head hunger" rears its ugly head...I remind myself how far I've come in 8 wks. No longer on blood pressure meds...No longer borderline diabetic...I can work out for an hr at the gym, and love it!!! Who knew?? I can cross my legs without feeling like I'm a catortionist...and the list goes on and that's just after 42 lbs...imagine what it will be like at our goal weights, WOW!!! So I'm encouraged by the people on these boards to fight that "food demon" because I know I am not alone. We are in this together...and there is strength in numbers. Remember we are the keeper of our pouches...let's guard them like our lives depend on it...because our lives DO!!! Tonya