Depressed

Hi guys, havent been posting a lot. Been so busy with kids and everything else lately. Anyway, I have a problem. The last two weeks or so I have not been eating right. I basically go the whole day without eating and guzzle decaf tea like theres no tomorrow. It all started with the Kindergarten Registration. My oldest baby Rachel is starting Kindergarten and I dont know why I am this depressed over it. I know thats why I'm not eating, I know its wrong, I know its bad for me, but I cant help it! I have so many fears for her. I know its crazy, and I know I'm over protective of her, but I have two girls and had my tubes tied and my hubbys fixed too. They are the only babies I will have and I want everything for them. They are my world. Rachel is built like her father(hes6'2 and 240). Shes 4 (turning 5 in june) but shes the size of a 6 year old. She wears a girls 7/8 already! So shes taller and bigger than all the other kids in her Pre-K class. I know that she is not overweight and the pediatrician is not worried about her weight since it is in proportion with her height, but I am just terrified that shes going to get picked on b/c of her size and end up overweight like me. My other daughter Rebecca (3 almost 4) is also tall, but shes borderline underweight. She wears a 5/6 pant, but has to have suspenders b/c her waist is so tiny and she has no butt, but her legs are long! They both eat well and eat very healthy (they take an apple over icecream anyday, how wierd is that???) and I'm grateful for that, but I'm also afraid thats going to cause them problems with each other later on. They are as different as night and day physically and emotionaly. Rachel will burst into tears if she thinks shes done something "wrong" and is very cuddly and sensitive. Rebecca is tough as nails nothing bothers her at all, and she has and attitude the size of Texas(i swear that girl has PMS, and its worse than mine) I remember being teased all the time in elementry school b/c I was also taller and bigger than all the other kids. Know that I look back I know I was not "overweight" till I hit the end of middle school. I was well proportioned up till the end of second grade when I grew boobs overnight and started developing(went from training bra to 32 C over the summer) I was also close to my full hight at 5'3(now I'm 5'5). Then 6th grade the weight started piling on fast! By the end of 8th I was already 5'5 and 170. It will just break my heart if she has to go thru any of what I went thru!!! I know all kids go thru some form of teasing even if its not weight related (clothes, glasses, braces, etc) And I'm just as afraid about those remarks and jokes as "fat" remarks. Kids can be so hateful and mean! She is also a very sensitive child already. She always has been. Why do my babies have to grow up? Right now I can protect them, but once they get in school I cant!!!!! Why does getting hurt have to be a part of growing up?? The weird thing is that I used to eat when I was depressed. I could polish off a whole bucket of chicken and the sides and biscuts with it before surgery(yeah I know, big shocker that I got to 256 huh) Now I just look at food and it turns my stomach if I'm feeling down! I dont have any desire to eat at all. I know its better than eating too much, but Ive gone from one extreme to the next. I have to get over this. I know I cant protect them forever, and I know I'm no good to them if I dont eat right and get healthy, but the thought of school starting August 8th makes me want to burst into tears! Anyway, sorry this is so long. I hadnt planned on typing a novel out. I'm not really expecting any replies, I just had to vent. Thanks for letting me ramble and get this off my chest. Krystle 256/198/135

Aww Krystle, my heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to love your babies with all your heart. This much I do know (I am a mother of 3-13,8,6) my daughter who is in Kindergarten has a large girl in her class, who unlike your daughter is not proportionate to her height, and the kids think nothing of her size. It's amazing how younger children can accept each other for who they are. I am sure that you have instilled confidence in your daughter and that will shine through. Know that she will have a great year, and most teachers have a way of helping smooth problems over if they arise. Don't worry it will all work out for her. I hope she has the most wonderful school year! Huggs, Sharon 212/173/???

Thank you so much for your kind words! I know shes going to have a wonderful time. She is very much ready to start school and has had a wonderful time in Pre-K this year. Yes, although she is sensitive she is still very very confident. I am so greatful for that. Ive always made sure both my girls know they can do anything they set there mind to. They sing, dance like you wouldnt believe, and are very smart talented young girls, and whats more they know it! It seems like it doesnt take any effort at all for them to do well at something, unlike me lol! i cant carry a tune in a bucket, and I have two left feet. And they will be the first to tell you "I can do anything I want b/c my mommy said I can" It was kinda cute the first time I heard them say that. They were watching the older ballet class (10 year olds, we always get there early b/c they like to see them) and wanted to learn the routine. There teacher told them they werent old enough to learn it yet. They both pipe up with that line, and I'll be darned if a week later after watching them the two of them almost had that routine as good as the older girls! Rachel also has an amazing memory. She can hear a song once and sing it back to you 5 days later, or learn a new dance in class after seeing it done once or twice. They are not shy at all, unlike me. I know neither one of them will have any trouble fitting in at all, I know I'm being paranoid, but its so hard not to be! Okay, done bragging, it does make me feel better to type all that out and read it though. Thanks again! Its so nice to have all this support and understanding.

Oh sweetheart Krystle! I read your earlier post tonight on "what did you eat today" and have been worried about you ever since... I sent you a "personal direct email" earlier, I hope you got it. Please check if you haven't yet... I offered some suggestions for you. It's rough, hang in there... she will show you how strong she is and how capable she is. A mom's role is the hardest one on earth! Hugs, Twiggi 222/178/135ish

Twiggi, Thank you so much for emailing me! Thank you for the info and I will be calling my surgeon as soon as they open. I feel so much better now that I have been able to put it in writing whats been bothering me. Ive just been bottleing it up and not letting anyone know that I'm upset over it. Once I'm alone (I drop Rachel at PreK and Rebecca in her class at 8 am and hubby goes to work at 11) it all just piled up and I didnt let anybody know (even myself) what was really getting to me untill I posted. Now that its out though I really am feeling better. I know im just being overly emotional and over protective, so now I need to let it pass and work thru it. Thanks again! You guys have been a great help to me!

Dear Krystle, I have taught kindergarten for 8 years and I know that you are scared, but she will be fine. My best piece of advice is put on a happy face and experience her excitement for the coming year through her. When you drop her off the first day, don't cry, even if she does. Assure her you will be back after school and then send her into class and LEAVE. Parents always make it so much worse by sticking around. If the kids see you sticking around (peeking into the windows) they will think there is something wrong and will start to get anxious, which is not good for anyone. Most 5 year olds are very accepting of just about anything/anyone, and I'm sure she will make at least 3 new friends the first day. Good Luck, Mary M

I know she will be fine. Ive always waited till I'm well away from her to let my emotions out. I dont want her reacting to it. Man, and I thought her first day at Pre-K was rough! It was hard smiling and taking her and talking about how great it would be then giving her a hug and leaving, but I got thru it(of course I broke down in the car, but by the time I picked her up you bet that smile was back!). Ive seen the parents that drag about leaving and have seen how upset the kids get over it, and I couldnt put her thru that. She has always loved school and makes friends easily. I know shes going to have fun and make friends so I know all my fears are silly, I was just so afraid to let anybody know. I was smiley and doing great as long as people were around, but once I was alone i was a mess. I think thats what made it 5 times as bad. Of course as far as she knows mommys excited for her about Kindergarten(just like Pre-K). I'm already feeling better about it now that Ive just let it out. Thank you so much. I know shes going to be fine, and I know I'll be fine too.

Hi krystle, I hate to be a wet blanket...but my worst nightmare came true and my son was picked on by a bully. I was an out cast my whole life in school. My son was a confident child, but a year of teasing made him second guess himself. I' am homeschooling my kids now. The hardest thing about homeschooling is you have to put up with your kid 24 hours a day. Cory

hi krystle: i really am sorry you are feeling down. seems like everything is getting you down, and believe me, i've been there. but i think if you look at all this from a slightly different angle, it may help a little. both of my girls went through all the teasing, bullying, picking on, etc that you're worried about. it wasn't easy and it hurt like the dickens. i had also gone through it all. but i firmly believe it made them stronger. they learned a valuable lesson about the golden rule and how people can be cruel - but they also learned to value themselves for who they are. they're both very intelligent, confident, and reasonably happy people. I say reasonably because they're still both teens and that's a whole other issue. i don't really want to sound like a know it all, because we all have our concerns and issues, but give your kids the best gift of all.. the knowledge that they can deal with anything - whether it's fair or not. good luck, girl. i'll be praying for you. dorthe