A new experience

Good Saturday afternoon to my special February family, Yesterday was my 54th birthday...the first one since my mother died. I was soo sad and upset all day. I cried and cried. I was born on my mom's birthday and this is the first one alone. It felt so strange and empty. She was a very critical and judgmental person. When I would lose weight she would say I looked great and as I would gain it back she was disappointed. Her favorite thing in the world to do was to watch the game shows, particularly Wheel of Fortune. Every night she mentioned how beautiful Vanna was, she never "let herself go". Her mantra was you can never be too thin or too rich. But, I loved her a lot. I spent 53 years trying and overachieving just to get her to accept me for me. Ironically, she got senile dementia just when I had wls. She never recognized me again. She missed sharing my journey. She would have been a good support. My parents were married over 20 years before I was born. I do believe that she loved me very much...in her own way. I can accept that now. But, will the hurt lessen with the birthdays year by year that we can no longer share together? It is comforting to know we will all be family again when I hopefully join my parents in heaven. Thanks for listening. Paula

Paula, I know what your feeling, I lost my mom unexpectly a year and half ago and it's been devistating. We were so close like sisters, and she to expected perfection from me, like your mother did you. I played Fast Pitch Softball and became a pitcher, I became very good but they (both my parents) always found something to critizie me about. I heard it all the time. My birthday is April 1st and my mom's was April 30th. It is hard to celebrate the only day it was just you and your mom without her. Also sharing the same birthday month is incredibly hard. I have had 2 birthdays since she's gone I had just turned 40 and she was gone 2 months after. I have spent those birthdays mostly crying and frowning, I don't see it getting easier for me but hope somehow it will. I really don't have any advise for you since I don't know how to get through them either but I just wanted you to know I know where your coming from and share your pain and confusion. I try talking to her but feel funny that nobody's there I just hope she somehow hears me...... I don't know if there is a afterlife nobody comes back to say but I do hope we will all be together again someday. Keep your chin up! Jill

Jill...Thank you so much for sharing. I understand your feelings so well. Having both parents being critical of you must have been difficult. My dad tried to be supportive..in his own way. He had an alcohol problem and became verbally abusive when under the influence...and then forgot that he called me a fat butt or whatever. I hope the pain lessens as the years roll by. Thankfully, I do have a strong belief system and know that they are together and both happy now. By the time I get to heaven I know they will be loving and find worth in all souls. Paula

Paula, I'm sorry to hear that your birthday was so sad. It has to be hard to celebrate a birthday you shared with your mother now that she is gone. I lost my mother in 1997. It has gotten easier for me, personally, as the years have gone by. I can't say it will be the same for you, but I do hope it does get easier for you. I still have my moments when I miss her terribly and want her with me! You say your mother was a very critical and judgmental person. That had to be hard to live with. I've never understood why someone would go out of their way to make someone else feel bad. I'm sure she cared for you deeply and maybe her being critical about your size was her way of worrying about you and letting you know how she felt. Some people are just not good at letting their feelings be known in the right manner. You are such a beautiful, caring person, Paula, and I wish you a belated happy birthday. Wanda

Wanda, Thank you for the kind words. I'm happy your grief about your mom's death has become easier for you as the years have gone by. I pray for the same. My mom was not just critical about my size. I don't ever remember her saying she was proud of me...throughout my life. I got married at 20 after dropping out of college. My parents were both greatly disappointed, I now as a parent can understand their feelings. Like a lot of parents, their dream was for me to become a doctor. But eventually I finished college and nursing school...magn *** laude. I got a double master's degree...top of both majors. I became a nurse practitioner. She asked if I was disappointed that I hadn't become a doctor not just a nurse. And on and on. But, I hold no grudges now. That's just the way she was. And, it made me a stronger woman able to provide for my 4 kids far away from an abusive man. Sorry to go on and on. Thanks for caring. Paula

You know, Paula, I've come to realize that sometimes what our parents do make us stronger. I grew up with an alcoholic father. His regular routine was to stay out every other night and drink at the local tavern. When he would get home, we would wake up to screaming and hollering and sometimes violence against my mother. I swore I would NEVER allow that to happen to my children. Dad is still an alcholic. I was mad at him for a long time. Not only for what he did while I was growing up, but also for putting my mother in a nursing home and never, and I mean NEVER, going to see her. I wasn't upset that he put her in the nursing home, she needed 24 hour care. I was upset that he never once went to see her. I've since come to realize he is a weak man and I have forgiven him. When I did, that released me from inner pain and termoil. You are a strong person and I see you making it through this. Wanda

Dear Paula, My heart goes out to you an my prayers as well. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to celebrate your birthday. I do hope in time your pain will heal and you'll be able to focus on only the good memories with your mom. I know what it feels like to feel all alone, but you know your not. I have always felt like a disappointment to my mom. Now I know the only person *****ally needs to be happy with me is me. Everyone else will just have to deal with it, ya know? You are a sweet an loving person and I wish you only the best and hope you know your cared about. Take care Trish

Hi Trish, Thank you for the kind words, I have never really felt cared about. I thank God that he guided me to this site with such real and caring people. You have such a positive, upbeat attitude. Thanks for sending some along my way. Paula

Paula, Happy Birthday! I am saddened when reading your post. My heart hurts for you. Isn't it amazing the impact mom's have on our lives? My mom is very much alive and doing well...yet it feels different. Our relationship has changed. She was the first one to notice that I was getting bigger. She was a champ at lecturing and being disappointed in me. Now that weight is no longer a topic for discussion, she is searching for other outlets. The weight of my 3 1/2 year old daughter and the fear of me gaining back. Can she ever just look deep into her heart and into the heart of her loving daughter and smile because I"m alive and happy and want her to stop being a nag???? I'm hoping you will find relief from your pain. Enjoy the good memories you have. Nothing you do can ever bring her back. You do have the power to have more sunny days. Warmly, Denise

Denise, Thank you for sharing your relationship with your mom with us. I'm sorry she treats you this way. I surely pray that your little girl has never heard her grandma discuss her weight. It is so hurtful, I can't understand how people don't see the hurt in their kid's eyes when they are so negative. My mother just never got it. She was brought up in an orphan home from age 7 when her mom died of that flu in the 1920's. I hope it's not too late for you to have a loving relationship with your mom, and that she just loves her grandbaby without side comments. You know, I do feel a relief in my heart...I no longer have to continually seek positive attention. I am free to drop all the negative and remember the good things. Paula