Scared - confused - urgh

Well here we all are. Almost a year old with our new tummys and our new lives. I am thankful that I've reached goal and my heart and thoughts go out to you all that have not reached your goal yet. Like many have said, keep your chin up and keep on keeping on. With that said, I am trying to do that but am terrified. Over the past month or so my eating habits have slipped and I'm falling back into VERY bad habits. I'm grazing during the day and actually found myself binging the other night on cookies. I, unfortunately, do not dump on sugar and can tolerate it very well. All the bad things that make others uncomfortable like rice, bread, sugar, etc all sit well with me. I'm abusing the "system" and eating bad things. Except for the other night with my cookie binge, I'm eating way less than I used to before surgery but am just upset and pissed off at myself for picking up my bad habits of grazing on chips and bad stuff during the day and eating when I get emotional or feel down. My partner and I have been stressed about money and I'm stressed over my relationship right now. I'm starting therapy up again tomorrow so I'm hoping that will help somewhat but I know what she will say - journal and exercise and all that. I have been doing that and I think that's why I'm not gaining any weight back. I'm standing on my feet all day and walking miles to and from work and while at work. I have not gained any weight with all the bad eating and stuff but I'm just scared I'm going to hurt my pouch and will ultimately in the long run mess my pouch up. Is there anyone else out there in the same boat as I am? What are your coping mechanisms? Am I just being paranoid about eating what I am? I can honestly say while I am eating bad things like chips and cookies and such, I'm not eating NEARLY as much as I did before surgery. I could eat a whole bag of microwave popcorn before surgery and still feel hungry and now I can eat 1/3 to a half a bag and feel full. I would eat a whole container of Pringles as well as 3 sandwiches and feel full but not stuffed before and can now eat a sandwich with the edges cut off and about 8-10 pringles with it. I guess I'm just scared that with eating this much, I'm afraid it's going to get worse and I'll advance to half a container of pringles and two sandwiches. I'll stop whining and moaning now - am just trying to get things off my chest and hoping and praying that someone else out there is in the same boat as I am!! Jody

I would also like to add - I have been good with my protein, vitamins, water intake and B12. I'm getting all the essentials that I'm supposed to take.

Jody, How awesome that you are at your goal!!!! Congratulations. I belong to another group for UCLA where I had my surgery. A number of the group are 3 years out and a few are concerned about the same things you are. One of the members posted that she didn't dump and could eat most things. She was getting concerned and had gained just a bit back and wanted to reverse that trend. She went back to basics for 2 full weeks. It meant protein shakes twice a day and protein for dinner with carb from veggies or fruit (go easy on the fruit), no snacking no sugar at all. It took major will power for her, but she found that at the end of the 2 weeks when she ate sugar she dumped. She truly believes she was able to recondition her pouch to not accept sugar. A couple others tried it with the same results so there has to be some validity to it. Kind of like when we don't eat fried foods for a couple of weeks, then eat something queasy our tummies/intestional tracts revolt. She took her body back to the basics she was on right after surgery and it worked wonders for her. Maybe it will work for you too. I do too much grazing but have started really turning it around. I have crisp apples in the fridge, I always have SF syrup to make snow cones, I have protein shakes and bars in the house and use those if I am low on protein or have the munchies ... boy do they help. Maybe following the South Beach Diet program would help you keep on track. Don't have the answers for you, just suggestions. If you really want chips, only buy the baked ones. If you want bread, allow yourself 1 slice and load your sandwich with more dense protein --- you really will feel fuller. The dietitian at Kaiser who worked with the WLS patients said she highly recommended seeing a therapist who dealt with compulsive overeating rather than a therapist who dealt with eating disorders or a regular therapist. Hope you find answers and please keep posting. We are here to support each other. What you find helps you may help others too and vice verus. I just ordered two books from Amazon.com and each deals with the post-op. Haven't received them yet, but will post about them once I do. One had a work book with it with lots of ideas for the post-op. Mary

Hi Jody. What a great, thought provoking post. I don't have too much more to say than Mary said............ but, I guarantee you that each and every one of us will continue to go through time scared to death. Scared of being once huge people and knowing that we took drastic measures to get rid of the ugly suffocating fat....and still knowing that it won't take too too too much to get it back. I don't loose sleep over it at night, but those thoughts do creep up to me. You write a lot about what you are eating and how you do not dump...I don't either. DAMN! I can tolerate almost anything, with the exception of anything but skim milk and soft pretzels. I think I can live with that. I share your fear of what the future holds. I"m happy now. I don't want to sabatoge my weight loss and thus my health. Denise

Hi Jody, First, Congrats on getting to goal. I have 22 miserable pounds to go! I've lost 160 so far. Anyway, night time is my worst. My husband and I sit and watch TV - he's usually working on the laptop in front of the TV so the only way to spend time with him is there. Also, I'm tired from the day and I do exercise every day so it's not like I should be out walking or something. Anyway, it starts innocently enough with 1 measured portion of chips and salsa (baked chips) or a portion of sugar free cookies - something like that. However, my problem is that in about 45 minutes I want more. I know better just like the rest of us, but that doesn't stop me. Last night I started with a Klondike no sugar added ice cream sandwich, followed that with 1 portion of pretzel nuggets and then I wanted peanut butter so I had a peanut butter and sf jelly rice cake. Now, none of those things of itself are bad, but putting all 3 together after 8pm was horrible! I too am journaling, getting in all my protien, vitamins, exercise, liquids and I stay away from refined sugars, alcohol and soda! Maybe I should start going to bed at 7! Gloria

Hi Jody-- Much like everyone else I don't have much new to share, but I do have many of the same concerns. I'm terrified that I eat too much. Now anyone of us knows we're eating far less than we did pre-surgery. But I'm so scared of stretching my pouch or allowing myself to fall into my old habits. Like you, I haven't had problems eating most things, granted, when I do try something I shouldn't have, I allow myself to have no more than 3 bites and it at least satisfies whatever 'craving' I thought I had. I refuse to deny myself everything, but I also refuse to allow myself to fail with this tool. So I suppose my advice would be, don't deny yourself, find a modest compromise and be realistic that we're all human and will make mistakes at times. The most important thing is how you get through it and what you learn from it! Keep up the fantastic work! I can't wait to reach my goal!! I'm a few months and about 49 pounds from it, but I know I'll get there! Take care Michelle

Know what scares me Jody? I can eat the WHOLE bag of microwave popcorn!!!!! I hate myself for this. I want to be like others and only be able to eat a little bit of food. I mean, I don't eat anywhere near what I used to...except for the popcorn. But I shouldn't be able to eat that much! It's not fair. But then again, neither is life. Go through your house and throw away everything that is bad. If it isn't in the house, you can't eat it. I graze a lot. But what I graze on is things like popcorn, peanuts, sunflower seeds, sf chocolate, protein bars, etc. So my choices are a little better than before but not much. I can't seem to help myself sometimes. Lately, food is all I have been thinking of. First thought of the day is what am I going to have for breakfast, then lunch and so on. I seem to be looking for comfort right now and food is that comfort. Don't stop whining and moaning. We, well some of us, are feeling the same way. I just feel better knowing that I am not the odd man out. That others feel like I do. Joanne

Jody, Everyone that has posted so far have pretty much summed up what was going through my mind when I read your post. I too am worried about how much I can eat at one sitting and how easily I have gone back to my old habit of snacking in the evenings. It is such a struggle. I am to the point to where my weight loss has slowed way down and reading these posts helps me tremendously and actually helps keep me on track, for the most part, on what I'm supposed to do. I need that right now. Congratulations on making your goal! That is a tremendous accomplishment! Wanda 256/182/145