PROFILE RAMBLINGS~EATING

I am back from my honeymoon. If you want to hear about some of it, it's in my profile. This is an entry I just put in. I am hoping someone can relate to it. I need help. 1/8/05: I have a few minutes to write down some feelings I have. If you want to skip it, please do so cause it is just going to be some self absorbed ramblings. I just realized that yesterday was one month ago that I weighed 189. Today I am 195. I have been fluctuating between 193 and 197. I was able to get into the 180's for about 10 minutes. Then BOOM...I'm outta there. How depressing. Every day is a serious struggle to not eat all the time. I am 11 months out and can eat all day if I let myself graze. THAT is what is hard to stop. It is not so bad when I am busy but I am not busy all the time. So on the down times (which seem to be many) I fight the grazing monster. Lately, I have been losing. Okay people, understand this, which I wish someone said to me, there will come a time when you are not as absorbed in the wls stage anymore. You go about your daily life. That is when things happen. I can't see where people say that 1-2 years out they can eat very little. I can eat a normal wls portion for a meal but then I want to eat again shortly after. My brain just wants to keep eating. Is it from depression, meds, anxiety, frustration, happiness????? Could be. I noticed that when I get anxiety I want to eat. I also notice that I want to eat when I feel down and lonely. I just don't know what to do about it. Don't think this demon we all live with goes away. It is there just waiting to rear it's ugly head again. Mine started coming back about 2 months ago. How do I battle this? I can't keep busy all the time. Thoughts of failure come into play when I see that I am not losing anything. Also thoughts of this dream fading away and life going back to the way it was. This is a lifelong battle. Remember how you battled everyday when you dieted in the past? It will happen again. Only this time you know it is for life or you wasted all yur time and energy and gone through all the pain for nothing. Doesn't make it easier to do though. It's even harder cause there is more at stake for giving up. This morning I got up and had a Hood Carb Countdown yogurt with a small can of peaches (carb clever brand) and 1/4 cup of Kashi Go Lean Crunch cereal mixed together. Then my son came and told me that he was going to play pool with his friend and my sister and her friend. This went up my a$$ cause my sister has always tried to "move in on me and my son". He would never think about having his mom go out with him and his friend but he would with my sister. Green eyed monster? Yes and with good reason. Just don't have enough room on the internet to get through all the explainations. So as soon as he left, I ate again. Now mind you, I wasn't hungry. I just NEEDED to eat. So I had 2 whole graham crackers with peanut butter and no sugar added jelly. I didn't need it. I WANTED it for comfort. This is a major problem with me. I know half of what I eat I don't need. But I eat it for comfort. What do I do about it? I have no clue. I can't go to support meetings cause they are on Thursdays and I am in school. I have no friends to turn to. No one would understand this. So I turn here. I don't even know if anyone is going to read this. Probably not. I hate exercising alone. And most of the time I am alone at home. I am not working yet. That is on the top of my list for the new year. I already made an appointment with career services at school to help me with job placement. but that is a ways off before I get a job. And even then, I will be sitting 8 hours a day. I guess I am feeling pretty alone right now. No one except people here would understand this. I suppose just writing this down helps. At least I can see it in print and look back at patterns. What to do about it is another story. Joanne

Hi Joanne, glad your back. You sound like you've run out of married bliss and are feeling very bad again. It's always such a bummer when a huge event is over and it's "life as usual" again. I can sure relate to some of what you type. I started out a lot bigger than you. I was 340 on surgery day and am now about 215. I've read posts and see that many many people have lost more than me. And, some have lost less. I've lived my whole life comparing myself to others, mostly my brother and sister. There was and never will be a comparison, because we are different people...just with the same parents. Any way... everyone on our forum of February 2004 all had WLS. We were under the knife to reduce the size of our stomach and change the way some of our digestive plumbing works. That's it...the rest is up to us. I havent' figured it out. I"m on such a FREAKIN' high because i can get my ass in a size 16. I have not been a size 16 since I was about 14 years old! THat's 20 years ago. I fear for the future. What will my weight loss be in 1 month, in 1 year or in 5 years. I haven't had a brain transplant or a personality makeover. I"m still who I am. A person comforted by my favorite foods. I still love to eat. I still eat chips, chocolate, etc. just with moderation. I really hope that I continue to lose, but who knows. It's up to me. The mind is a powerful thing. The mind controls all. Graham crackers with some peanut butter is not going to kill you. Look at the choice you made. You did not run for chocolate or ice cream or a handful of cheese doodles. You knew you needed something, so you made the wisest choice you could. If you really think that it's your depression getting the better of you these days, check with your doctor about medication. I'm not an advocate for medication...it's only part of the remedy. You may need an adjustment or a change. You've had a hell of a 2004, and the last half of 2003 was a ***** for you too, if I recall. You are coming down off a terribly exciting time in your life. YOU JUST GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy the blessings you've been given. I care about what happens to you, as does everyone here. Denise

Joanne, I'm so happy that you have come to the realization that you need help and that you can ask for help. Does that not put you ahead of how you handled stress and weight loss prior to surgery? I have not figured out a coping strategy that doesn't involve my comfort foods either. It does seem to me that you have adapted a good coping strategy that still involves food. You made a wise choice - 2 graham crackers with pb and sf jam. Can you adapt other old habits and make them ok to use now for appropriate coping strategies? Maybe write them down. You seem so intuned to your body and mind. When stress takes over try one of them. I hear you about worrying about the old demon rearing its ugly head. I too, for the last 6-8 weeks have struggled daily with my food. I thought it was holiday depression and have taken one meal at a time. I have had to plan out my entire day on fitday before I put anything in my mouth. I had to change my eating plan (with dr's blessing) to only 3 meals a day plus protein shakes - no snacks. I can't handle snacks. Snacks were turning into grazing. Joanne, you have had such a stressful year. Good stress and bad stress. It triggers our fight or flight instinct. You are fighting by asking for help, and writing down your problems. You have not taken flight and just given up. Hope I helped some by my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I have a very hard time asking for help. You have helped clarify feelings I have been terrified to feel. But, I too can fight. Warmly, Paula

Joanne, Have you thought about a therapist, I' m going it's the only way I can make it through some days sane without my best friend (reese's). I have found that there are plenty of resources out there that offer counseling on a sliding scale or free. It has been a life saver for me. And as far as the losing thing I go through this thing where I lose then I gain 2 lbs I guess water weight then takes several days to lose that so frustrating then I have a pattern where I don't lose for 2 weeks out of every 4 I don't know and wonder why I need this board and counseling LOL. IF you are on any medication though check it and make sure weight gain isn't a side effect it will slow us down. And as far a teenagers I have a 16 year old son and am a single mom I figured it up today for evey 3 lbs I have lost he has gained 1 and I am worried about him I can't get him to talk to me exercise, or pay attention to his diet, so he has a follow up with the endo/diabetes specialist on the 26th hopefully they can put the brakes on before he hits 300lbs because he is getting close. Teenagers gotta love them can't lock them in the closet. Nancy

Joanne, I read so much of "they did surgery on my stomach, not my brain". It is amazing how much control our brains have over our eating. One of the dietitians at Kaiser highly recommended WLS seeing counselors/therapists that deal with Compulsive Overating. She also noted that these specialist are not the same as an Eating Disorder Specialist as they specialize normally with anorexia and bulemnia. I know I am doing more grazing and yes, I have eaten when not hungry. Old, lifetime habits are hard to break. But don't beat yourself up about it, take it a day at a time and help to establish good habits. The weight gain you saw the last couple of weeks I'm sure is just temporary. I know for me that if I eat too many carbs, I gain weight immediately. Once I am back to high protein/low carb eating, it comes right off. You will see the 180s soon. Mary 305/181/125????

Joanne, Glad to see you back. Its hard to get things back to normal after the Chrismas season and especially after all you've been through, with the marriage and honeymoon. Your words reflected exactly how I have been feeling here lately! I have been going back to an old habit of mine......snacking in the evenings.... and it scares the daylights out of me. In the mornings I think to myself, okay, I'm not going to snack this evening- no matter what!, then the evening rolls around and there I am SNACKING, damn it! I even told my self this morning that I am NOT going to eat anything after dinner. Yeah, right. We'll see. I think most of us Februaryers have come to the point to where we're going to have to actually make ourselves change. But, my go****s easier said than done. I hope and pray that you make it through this very difficult time. I know my words are not much help. Thank you for opening up and sharing your feelings with us. They do more for me than you can imagine! Just know, you're not alone. Wanda

Hi Joanne and everyone. Sounds like we're all in pretty much the same boat - it's been 11 months or so since our surgeries and we've found that not only can we eat bigger portions and almost anything, we're "hungry" all the time. Not sure if this will work for you, but it has been working for me - I upped my water and protein intakes and try to eliminate as many non-fruit/non-veggie carbs as I can. In order to up the water and protein and still fit in my normal food and water needs, I have to schedule most of my intake. That doesn't leave much time for snacking and has helped to curb my grazing. I can't remember where you live, but can you get outdoors? Don't stay home alone! Join a Y, or wherever you are going to school - find out if there is a workout area you can use. Exercise is third on my list of defenses against gaining the weight back. I agree that I gain really easily when I've splurged on some empty carbs, but it comes of really easily and very quickly when I get back into normal eating. Just remember Joanne - nothing in this world can possibly taste as good as thin feels... Hugs! Ruthanne

Hi Joanne, I often feel so many of the emotions that you have expressed. Although this surgery has been a "success" to everyone around me, I still feel like a failure. Somedays I delibrately sabotage myself, with no explanation why. I, like you, am 11 months out and I have lost 118 pounds, strictly by the grace of God, because the lord knows that I eat whatever I want whenever I want it. I dont know why we do the things that we do, but rest assured, you are not alone, this will be a neverending journey for us. I wish everyone continued success, tomorrow is another opportunity to start again. -118 -Renee