MIA

I have been missing in action for quite some time. I really have been going through some changes. Some wonderful and some not so good but the wonderful outweighes the not so good. My hubby has changed his attitude towards me, now he is extremely jealous of me, it sometimes scares me but he hasn't done anything extreme so I am not worried yet but that makes me angry. I told him before I got the surgery not to change towards me to continue to treat me the same as he always has, see my husband and I never did the going out thing as a couple, it was always to the movies with our kids. I would ask him to take me out and he would say "you are my wife we go out with the kids as a family" Now all of a sudden I started going out with my girlfriends who have always invited me out and he wants me to stop. I don't do it everyweek but we have been married for 10 years and I can count on one hand the times that I have been out. I really am not that happy with his "new" attitude I feel upset because why didn't he want to "go out" with me when I was larger instead of now. The questions that go through my head are, "was he embarrased, or ashamed of me?" I really missed you guys and would like some advise. He even threatened to divorce me. We argue everyday about petty things and I really am unhappy. I am afraid to leave because he was there when I was big but then again I was always in the house after work and took care of the kids and he was out and about with his friends. I don't know what to do. I do think that we should separate for awhile but he wants to stay together or not at all. Annette

Annette..... I'm not an expert, but it sounds like you and hubby need to maybe seek counseling of some kind. That would be what I would do. Sorry I can't be of much help, but I'm sending hugs your way and wishing you the best. Wanda

Annette, welcome back! So sorry to hear that you and your husband are having big problems. I, too, worry about what you are presently experiencing. My surgeon told me, and it is in the literature they provide, that many couples, about 60% where either the man or woman have the surgery, divorce. I'm not sure if anyone can verbalize exactly why. I think that my worry is that my husband told me when we met that he loved me for the person I am, how sweet, right? I now feel better about myself and want to do more things, he sometimes hesitates. I know I feel differently about myself, but does he? He's been very supportive and seems to enjoy being with me intimately more than before. I think we still have a happy and healthy marriage. We've only been married for 4 1/2 years. Who knows what the months and years ahead will hold for us. If either of you are interested in preserving your marriage, you really should talk to someone. If you feel your marriage is worth it, then do it. Good luck. Denise

Thanks for responding actually I have told him that we should go to counseling but he refuses and just wants me to do things his way. I told him that I am human and have feelings and I do love and respect him but if he is not willing to work on it then we should separate. I am going to continue to try and work on it but I can't live like a prisoner, before I would go and do things as I pleased and he didn't care but now if I go somewhere he starts questioning me and I have to provide receipts and stuff and that is going overboard possesive. But I will look into counseling and maybe schedule it and let him know that either he goes to counseling or I go. Love you all Annette

I'm so sorry to hear that things are not going like you'd hoped at home. I'm sure he's just so confused by the new you that he's not sure how to handle it. I, too, wish that he would agree to some counseling, but if he refuses, you might wish to try going alone. A friend of mine is going through something very similar and while her own counseling hasn't fixed all of her home problems, it HAS helped her a great deal and provided some excellent suggestions for better communication, etc. I'd hate to see you separate as I believe that is the first step towards divorce and it's so final. I'll keep you in my prayers and you keep in touch with all of us so you don't feel so all alone. Julie

Annette, Definitely consider counseling whether as a couple or for yourself. Are you still doing things as a family? Have you suggested recently going out as a couple or spending time together just the two of you doing something fun? Maybe he has low self esteem is concerned that you will find someone else so this way he is leaving you instead of you leaving him. I'm so sorry you are going thru all of this. I hope it gets better. Someone mentioned high divorce statistics after WLS. What I had heard was that the reason divorce was so high was because so many had "settled" for their spouse rather than being truly in love when they married. Mary

Annette, I really wish I had some wonderful sage advice for you, but I tried to reply earlier and had a tough time getting my thoughts down in some semblance of order. I'll try again. Two things I can see. You're getting a life, and he's losing control. You have changed, he hasn't. You want more from your life, he's content with the status quo. You want to bring him along with you in your growth, he wants to remain as he is. I don't think he's ashamed of you, but also don't think he sees that what's good for the goose is good for the gander. You never really had a life of your own before surgery, and now you won't accept anything less. Everything I read in your post tells me you two are growing apart and he is afraid of where that leaves him. He got used to the way things have been for the past 10 years and doesn't see any reason to change it. He wants you to stay home because that's what you always did and he may truly be afraid of what you might find and doesn't think he can compete. I doubt he'll ever say that, but that's my guess. Even if he won't go to counseling with you, I think you should go just to have an outlet that doesn't end in an argument. Many people pick and poke at each other when they're insecure, and the best way to avoid the petty arguments is to not feel the need to argue. If he won't communicate with you, it's time you find a better way of communicating with him. Some people aren't very good at identifying the root of their feelings. I'm not one of them (I analyze everything), but I know my husband is. I need to give him time to figure things out in his own head before we can have a good heart to heart conversation when he's having trouble dealing with things. If you truly love him and want the marriage to work out, I believe you may end up being the one who has to do the understanding and being patient first. When he sees that you truly want to stay together, he might come around. Then again, he needs to feel like the relationship is worth it to him as well. His comment about being together or getting a divorce sounds like an ultimatum so that he can be sure to blame you if the marriage doesn't work out. I'm not a psychologist and have a divorce behind me, so I'm no expert. I left my ex because I decided I didn't want to live with an alcoholic anymore. Although I felt guilty about leaving him when I knew what he was before we were even married, I did it anyway because I knew I settled for less than what I wanted in a relationship. I wish you all the best and hope you seek some counseling even if it's just for your own frame of mind. Linn