Mindgames...Feel like 2 diff people

Okay..this will sound strange, but I'm hoping one of you will understand. Yesterday morning when I tried to get dressed for wor****pt changing clothes..almost compulsively. Nothing I tried on looked the way I wanted it to or felt comfortable. I must have tried on 8 outfits (and everything in the closet fits fine). I knew my behavior was out of control, compulsive and ridiculous (like I was watching someone else) but I felt powerless to stop. I tried on a new dress that was a 10 petite and took it off because my stomach was too poochy ...PLEASE! One part of me was being extremely critical of my appearance while the other me felt like screaming "It's a size 10 for heaven's sake..Have you forgotten where you were a year ago?" I felt psychotic! I've talked with another 2 year post-op friend who said she had experienced something similar; that it was good that I recognized the behavior and not to panic, but to acknowledge that I may never be the "perfect" shape and be kinder to myself. I am so grateful for what I've accomplished this year and I don't want to fall prey to being dissatisfied with the occasional bump or lump. Imperfection is fine. Am I the only one who is finding that the physical aspects of this surgery were the easy part and finding real balance is going to be more of a struggle as my mind comes to terms with my new body? Thanks for listening...You guys are the best. Julie

today after doing the laundry, I held up my jeans to Hal's. Well there was only an inch difference as the waist bands were held up to each other. Hal said he was so proud of me and that he really could see the changes (I'm down from a 4X/5X to a 14/16). Even tho there was physical proof in front of me, part of me wanted to say "yeah right, his jeans would never fit me in a million years" So some of the old image demons are still there. Other days I feel thin and cute. I guess it is like not wanting to get caught up in the numbers, telling myself it doesn't matter if I weigh 188 (like today) or 125 as long as I'm healthy and feel great. Hope this makes sense .. it was hard to explain. Mary

Oh, yes, Julia and Mary...I'm all over this. I love clothes and I love to shop. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to expand my wardrobe as I'd like, so I'm making do with what I have. I have an extrememly hard time finding something that I think looks good on me. I get bombarded with compliments, which are nice. sometimes I can't handle all the compliments. I am extremely critical of what I look like now, even more so than before surgery. I change clothes several times before I leave the house. I couldn't be happier in how great I feel and that I am wearing a size 18, from a 30. I focus on my flabby, saggy skin, my abdominal fat and love handles. So many good things have happened for me since surgery, not just losing 115 pounds, but feeling tremendously better and looking better. I still battle with my brain all the time. Denise

Yep, I'm with you as well. I still take clothes out of the dryer and think they can't possibly be mine. I'm also EXTREMELY critical when I look at myself naked in the mirror. Although many of you would say that I really don't have much saggy skin, I can really see it. My boobs are so long and flat they nearly reach my belly button, which frowns at me. And I hate the panty lines because my ass hangs out of my underwear. I don't wear any dresses, but I can see that I would do the same thing you did, Julie. I've been known to be very compulsive about my appearance, and have often lately put on several things before I kept something on and left home. I didn't think I'd ever seriously think of plastic surgery, but I do find myself doing so quite often these days. Partly because the boobs and belly bounce when I run and it really bothers me, and partly because I look so unnatural when I'm unclothed. Like you said, I am truly grateful for everything I've accomplished, and am also trying to get a balance in where I go from here. It really is tough when everyone tells you how great you look, and all you can think of is the imperfections they can't see. Linn

I LOVE getting responses from you...our size/height and experiences are so similar that you make me laugh every time you write. I also don't really have much hanging skin, except for my derriere which looks like it melted into a puddle the top of my thighs and the whole boob issue which I don't even want to contemplate (See your comments). That is the ONLY type of plastic surgery I might consider because I hate the result and buying bras is now my least favorite hobby. Generally, I kind of look (and feel) like the Pop 'n' Fresh Doughboy gone flat....kind of doughy and squishy, but it looks pretty good covered by clothing. Love, Julie

YUP..totally relate. And something else that I've noticed, is I still view myself mentally as the "old" me. Now, i'm not at my goal yet, still have 35lbs to go til I'm there. But when I see myself in the mirror, or look down at my abdomen on the couch or at work.. I still SEE the old me.. FAT! FAT! FAT! I threw a mini-fit the other day on a shirt size LARGE that seemed to fit "fine", but I still see all this FAT. I pulled up on my computer the other day some pictures of me right before surgery (82lbs ago) and when I'm LOOKING at the picture, I think, "yeah, i've lost the weight!" but if that picture isnt' in front of my face, I'm still the fat april.. well, the fatter april that is.. lol.... Ok, enough rambling for now. Just glad to know others feel the same!! April 267/185/150?

I've not posted for a while, but, I've been feeling like this for a while now. I look at pants in my size, think they will never fit, and am surprised when I get them on. I still "see" the old me, and sometimes, I surprise myself when I see myself in the mirror. I don't know what to do when someone compliments me, and I am WAY self concious about being nude now. I was never weird about getting naked when I was HUGE, but now, all of a sudden I am. I am even wearing clothes to bed, and I have slept nude since I was a teenager. All I can seem to think about is the loose skin, and how much it drives me nuts. I am grateful for the weight loss, but the skin - ugh.

*Whew* I am so happy to see that I am not the only one feeling this way and doing the changing clothes thing before being OK with what I've found. I still see myself as the "old me" and then there's the days that I feel small or cute...or feminine. Vanessa -140lbs (that's 1/2 of me )