Denial

I had to drop in for a minute. Been extracting some people out of a pic and it is getting to me. I went to the salvation army today. Thought I would take a look around and see if I could wear anything. The nice part was I didn't have to shop in the plus size section. The bad thing is they didn't have anything in a 16. So since I can fit in some stretchy 14's I went to those. I am very tall so I have to pic my pants by the length. Slim pickings for a tall gal. I found 2 pair of jeans that were 13/14 and 12. I know they don't fit now but they will soon. Heres the thing. my brain keeps on saying no no no no no no no!!!!! I CANNOT FIT IN A 13/14 SOON!!!!!! That is not possible. 13/14 is for thin people. I m not thin. Not even close! And to top it off when people try to be nice and comment on my weight loss they tell me I am getting skinny. This ****** me off!!!!!!!! I am not getting skinny. I am not even in the skinny catagory or close to it. I tried on the 13/14 jeans and they almost fit. But all I saw was my fat hips SPILLING out of the top of the jeans. OMG....I am never going to be skinny. I know that. I have never been thin, ever. Then people tell me I am getting thin. They use that word too easily. it's almost like a cruel joke my mind is playing on me. It won't let me see it. Are others lying to be nice or am I getting thin? All I see is waves of fat. Joanne

Joanne, Do I need to remind you you're 5'11 and only a bit over 200 pounds? You probably ARE looking fairly thin and your mind just can't wrap itself around that. Being only 5'4 and 187 pounds, I can't imagine how wonderful I could look if I could stretch all of me out a few more inches. When I go shopping (at Goodwill or Salvation Army) I'm still having trouble knowing what clothes to go try on. My initial reaction is to reach for clothes that are too big; then I try to go the other way and pick things that are too small so it's frustrating. I keep asking my husband to point out women who are about the same size so I can get a better grasp of how big/small I truly am. I think we're always harder on ourselves than we are on other people. I belive when they compliment you and tell you you're getting thin; they're being sincere. I hope you can extend yourself a little grace and begin to see the new you emerging. I'm sure she's gorgeous! Julie

Joan, I'm having the exact feelings today. I can't believe you are too. I have lost 4lbs in the past 3 days. My 18's are loose, and I can get my 16's on, but like you said... things spill over the top of the pants. Will we ever be happy? I had a man at our Sunday School social, say that I'm getting thin, and I will dry up and blow away... LOL I'm still in the obese catagory. I still have another 40lbs or so... I imagine you will be thinner than you have ever been before, when it is all said and done. I use to be a real petite girl, before I had my third child, so I might be again, but I don't want to be in the teens. I'll feel better in the 30's. Hugs, Debbie -50

Joann i totally hear ya girl!!! It ****** me off when my Mom says im skinny. Im NOT skinny, and it feels very condescending when she says it. I have issues with her about my weight. When i was a 14 she paid me 100.00 to loose 20 lbs one summer. Im sure she had good intentions behind her offer, but i never thought i was fat until then. So i lost the 20 lbs and then some, wasnt eating enough and she got all freaked out that i was becomming anorexic. (i *was* skinny back then!) A few years later, after i stopped cheering in high school, i gained a little back (15 lbs or so..bringing me to about 135 lbs) and she started calling me fat. Looking back i realise she was more frustrated with her own weight problems and was trying to keep me from going through what she went through, but she really did it the WRONG way and i believe my weight problems stem from these incidents. Reading this over it makes me mom seem horrible. she really isnt. Weight was the only issue she was really bad about. And she and i have discussed it in detail as adults and she acknowledged her errors. she has been 100% supportive of my surgery and subsequent loss. Rachel 270/220

Joanne, I think others see us totally differently than we often see ourselves. It can be hard, even very difficult to overcome our self images. The only comment that drives me crazy is someone telling me that they can see the changes in my face. Heck, I've lost 84 lbs ... I want them to see the changes all over my body and they have been major, not just in my face. I'm really feeling good about me and how I look. Yes, I am still 100 lbs overweight but I love the freedom this weight loss has given me. I still panic when I go to sit at a booth, then smile deep inside when I realize I fit and there is room to spare. My husband calls me "Skinny" all the time and it makes me smile. Some of my clothes I really feel out of place wearing as they are too big. It makes me feel strange sometimes because just a short while ago they just fit. This is quite a journey we are on. It will take many twists and turns along the way. Our self image will change too until some day we will see what others see too. Mary

Joanne, I know how you feel, I have never been "thin" and cannot imagine myself that way. The people who say those things want to let you know that they notice your hard work. Maybe your image of thin is too dramatic, maybe you are too critical of yourself. It is probably loose skin rather than waves of fat...LOL. I think you are doing great and deserve the notice.

To a point I can understand your frustration, but at the same time you should really be congratulating yourself. I am lucky in the fact that while I have never BEEN thin before I can really see myself thin and I am making plans for it. I have lost 61 pounds since my surgery (Feb. 24th) and am thrilled with the results. It's much easier for others to see it than for me to, so when a friend calls me "Slim" or tells me I'm getting skinny it's all I can do not to kiss them on the mouth! I have been given a gift and I am excited to be on this journey! Be excited that you're almost in a 13! That's a long way off for lots of us! Best wishes! -Sarah Maren RNY 2/24/04 - 61 lbs.