prayers please

Hi guys- I haven't weighed in a few days but am way over- probly 145- up almost 20 pounds. I am disgusted with myself and am horribly embarrassed... I'm having my blood drawn tomorrow AM- am sure I'm fine- but just want to double check. I'm also going to see an addictions counselor in the afternoon. I've been having a drink a day- which isn't much- but way more than I ever have in the past and yesterday I bought a pack of cigarettes and have smoked 3. I don't know what is wrong with me. I know I'm PMSing- but this is ridiculous. I'm eating crap and too much of it and I'm not exercising. I'm not even being active. My clothes are so tight I just want to wear stretchy clothes and hide- but I know that makes it worse. I'm thinking of joining the Y- does a trainer help you to get motivated? Please say a quick prayer for me- not sure what's going on... Thanks- Holly

I would like to change this post title to postings from a total dork- weighed myself today and am up only 10 pounds- although not great- definitely not the tragedy I thought that the 20 pound gain would be... I am still keeping both appointments today and will keep you posted... dorkly yours- Holly

First of all....get rid of the cigs!!!!! I know how hard it is to stop and stay free of those things...they are bad news and only lead to worse problems than eating or regaining a few pounds. Secondly, I am doing the same crap that you are. I have been having a glass of wine nearly every evening before bed for the last 6 nights, actually half a glass since a whole one would have me on my ass now. Why? Who knows...but I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that I used to eat late at night, and now I feel too much guilt to do that like I used to. Don't get me wrong...I am also doing my share of grazing on chocolates late at night...usually with the wine. Real healthy, huh? I guess that I should consider myself lucky that I haven't gained yet...but I will if I keep on like this. I think that this just comes down to the wacky way that *we* deal with things...used to be lots of food...now, what? We still turn to what ever we can have that will give us what we emotionally crave, instead of trying to fix our real needs. Food, drink, cigarettes...they are all just a bandaid for what is really wrong with us. I think that I have figured out some of my most pressing issues and why I feel emotionally f*cked up (sorry, ladies...there's just no good way to put it)...unfortunately, there's just not too much that I can do to remedy some of these things in my life right now. I need to learn to either deal with emotional things in an emotional way, or I need to go to bed earlier as to not be left alone with my poison. I hope that seeing this counselor will give you some insight and tools to work with. Just know that you definitely aren't alone!! ~Suz

Okay I'd like to kick you both in the butt......but well I just don't have the energy and that would be calling the kettle black. Sigh. I think to some degree we are all going through this. Holly please don't be embarrased. That's what we are all here for. This is the hardest part. Funny how the losing was the easy part and now we start the hard part. Now is when we really really need to stick together. I do agree with Suz though. Get rid of the cigs. Just another addiction you don't need to have to kick later on. I think it is great that you are going to keep both appointments and yes a trainer will help you get motivated. I need some of that motivation myself. I am really having to make myself go workout. About the only thing doing it for me is I am having plastics in July and I want no need to be as tone as possible. It is so hard for me to not say what the hell he is going to cut it all off any way right. LOL what a hoot. No...no...no. It will look much better if there is muscle under there not flab. So I keep on trucking. It has been hard this last month though because of the migraines. Those are slowely getting under control but they have me on Topomax which makes me sleepy.....ugh can't win for losing. Can someone just kick me in the rear???? Please???? I am saying a prayer for the both of you and Holly I am extremely happy that it is only 10 lbs heck girl that could be water weight....well 5lbs anyway. Anna

Holly- first off, don't be so hard on yourself. I totally know what you're going through, I want to eat more during the day too and I've noticed that I've been snacking more. It's scary because that first year was EASY compared to what it is now. So, you're up 10 lbs, your BMI is still normal. I know that because I remember your BMI was kind of low about a month ago. Like Suz said, there's probably something feeding the addiction, so dig deep and see if you can figure that out. I know I eat for comfort when I'm stressed. Twins are so hard and fight and whine constantly, eating comforts me, I honestly couldn't imagine having triplets. I try to do other things now though, locking myself in the bathroom helps too. lol! I just said a quick prayer for you. ***HUGS***

Hey Holly- I am glad it is only 10 pounds, but I am sure it is still frustrating. Hang in there. I have to confess that I have bought SEVERAL packs of cigarettes during this journey, just to smoke a few and then toss them. Honestly, if it weren't for the PS, I would probably be doing it still, but it is too much of a risk to be a smoker having surgery, and then it slows your recovery. I still want them every now and then though! I also can relate to slipping back to bad habits. I eat a 4th meal every night before bed. I make sure it is something good for me, but I cannot help it. I just sit in bed and obsess over it, so I give in and it is just an unhealthy part of my routine. Good luck at your appointments. Remember that it is considered normal to rebound a little once your weight bottoms out. Don't be too hard on yourself and remember all the successes you have had! You're still one hot, skinny chick! Belle

Hey Holly....I agree with everything that has already been posted and don't have much to add but I did want say I really appreciate you caring enough about yourself and us to post this message. Too many times ppl go into isolation when they are going to thru something instead of reaching out for help. I will definitely be in prayer with you and you already know I can definitely relate to what you are going thru. We will get back on track and get remotivated. God has brought us too far for us to just give up because we hit a bump in the road. Not only does posting this message get you some extra prayers and positive thoughts...you are helping others by letting us know that this journey is not "the easy way out" and that we are not alone. Just like I have, you have identified areas of opportunity (can you tell I work in hr?) and all we have to do is take action on it....You don't have to do it all at once but pick one of the things you listed above (drinking, smoking, not exercising, or eating crap) and make a goal for this coming week to cut back or totally cut back on that one item. Once you have completely gotten over that hump, pick another one to get rid of or to start back doing like exercising. I read some where that the first year our pouches do 90% of the work for us to loose weight....after the first year...we have to do 90% of the work. And I definitely would agree with that. Anything worth having is going to be hard...and maintain our weight loss is no different. It may be hard to resist the junk foods we love or the wine but the results are rewarding. I am so proud of you for being proactive and taking the steps to find out what's going on and seeking ways to fix the problem. Keep us posted on how things go and know that you have a support group here for you when you need us. ((HUGS))

Hey Holly, ((HUGS)) I am so proud of you for dealing with this. Things are always worse when we don't own up to them. You thought you had gained 20 and it was really 10. The accountability gives us rational thought! I think the counselor is and excellent idea. I hope you will share what you learn. We are all here for each other. Put the cigs down though. I watched my Dad die from lung cancer. It isn't pretty. I never drank before and started drinking that one glass of red wine in March. I enjoyed it way too much and the health benefits quickly changed to just liking the buzz. I have set that aside this past week-- before I got myself in trouble. I realized why I was drinking. A trainer does help you stay motivated if you keep your appointments. I am totally dependent on that time and committed to it. My trainer has gotten me where I need to be exercise wise and is working with me to hone my food consumption. Whatever you do, we will love you! You just have to do one thing,.....DON'T HIDE! We love you! Hugs, Katy

Holly, I am sending lots of hugs and prayers your way. I am so glad that you were able to determine it was only 10 lbs, but I can understand how anything double digit could be concerning. I also am glad you posted about the drinking concern. I am really scared to drink because of all the things you hear about cross-addictions. I have never smoked, so I can't say I have that concern at all, but both of my parents do and I know how hard it has been for them to try to quit. I have given up on them trying again. You can do it though. Just try to go back to the day when you decided to have this surgery and how miserable you were then and how you don't want to go back there and perhaps it will help you. I will keep you in my prayers! Hugs, Lindy