Recent Posts
Okay, I am such a dork...but every time I see your name, I get the song "My Sharona" stuck in my head. Now...I know that your name is pronounced "R-ah-na" but, when I see it, I still think "Row-na" and "Ma-ma-ma-my-my-Ronna" always pops into my head. Yep, I am a huge dork! Incidentally, I still think of Jaci as "Jay-cee" in my head even though I found out that she is "Jackie". My head is stubborn that way...
ANYHOO...please let me know how the reset your pouch plan goes! I am kind of doing the Plateau Buster diet (but not as strict...I am eating some carbs). What I am not eating is sweets and fast food...which is what I lived on for the past 3 months or so!
Have a GREAT day and give Hawley a big hug for me!!
Love,
JM
Surgery date: January 30, 2006 - Lap. RNY
Age: 38 Height: 5'10"
Highest/Surgery Weight: 293
Ideal Body Weight: 160
Current Weight: Fluctuating!
Pounds till GOAL: I was at goal but let's re-evaluate once I have the baby!
Wow! You are below goal...that is amazing to me (since I, uh, never reached goal)! Are you comfortable at the weight you are at or are you actually trying to get to your goal (the other way)? Have you stuck to "the plan" for the last three years?
Sorry for the questions...I am just curious to hear another point of view!!
Love and hugs,
JM
Surgery date: January 30, 2006 - Lap. RNY
Age: 38 Height: 5'10"
Highest/Surgery Weight: 293
Ideal Body Weight: 160
Current Weight: Fluctuating!
Pounds till GOAL: I was at goal but let's re-evaluate once I have the baby!
I accepted your Facebook request...so glad you are on there! I wish EVERYONE would join that site...I love it and it is a great place to find out what is going on with everyone (via those little status updates).
You are doing SO great on your journey, Alex! Good luck losing those last 5 lbs...I have no doubt that you will easily do it!
Hugs!
JM
Surgery date: January 30, 2006 - Lap. RNY
Age: 38 Height: 5'10"
Highest/Surgery Weight: 293
Ideal Body Weight: 160
Current Weight: Fluctuating!
Pounds till GOAL: I was at goal but let's re-evaluate once I have the baby!
*I* think you are a beautiful, sweet girl and you know what? I am always right! Haha!!
Please know if you ever need someone to talk to, or just vent to, etc. I'm here for you. Be yourself! Who the hell is happy all the time???
Renee
___________________
Starting: 294
Day of surgery: 237
Lowest: 138
Current: 167.7
__________________________
TT-1/2/08
BL/BA-3/5/2008
Don't be disgusted! You have taken an important step to getting healthier again! We should not be ashamed (although I struggle with this, too)...we should be proud!! I am VERY proud of you for going to the gym...that is not something I was ever able to make myself do...
Oh...I owe you an email explanation about Niagara, too (not because you demanded one...but because I want to explain). I will try to get it out today.
Have a GREAT day!!
Love you!
JM
Surgery date: January 30, 2006 - Lap. RNY
Age: 38 Height: 5'10"
Highest/Surgery Weight: 293
Ideal Body Weight: 160
Current Weight: Fluctuating!
Pounds till GOAL: I was at goal but let's re-evaluate once I have the baby!
My friend...
One could guess by your very first sentence...and verify by the end of your first paragraph, that you put too much pressure on yourself. What I mean is by your saying that you "should" feel this way...you "should" feel that way. At the most basic level, you are saying that even your emotions are somehow wrong. They are not.
Your feelings are valid and they are ok. And I am right there with you. I know that my heavier friends and, unfortunately, my sister, get very mad at me (to the point where they probably want to poke my eyes out) when I talk about my body issues....about how I feel like a total pig failure. They are wishing they could weigh what I weigh and I bet they think that, if they did, life would be so much better. Well, in some ways it is better. But it does not kill the demons that live inside of us...the demons that are, perhaps, responsible for making us obese in the first place. So on top of all the other stress in your life (school, work, dating), you are putting so much pressure on yourself to be happy...because you think you should be...because you think others think you should. be
You have such a light inside of you, Jaci. You may not always feel it but it is there. I hope that, with the help of your therapist, you will find it. Please don't think that all your posts here have to be happy and upbeat. I would rather have real Jaci than fake Jaci anytime.
It is interesting what you said about Carnie (Wilson, I gather) when she says it is not about the scale or the weight. I seriously have to laugh when I hear that because it is such utter bull****. Fundamentally, I know that it should be about how we feel about ourselves but, come on...I am guessing that 99% of the people who claim "it is not about the scale" hop on that scale every morning and curse the fact that they have either gained weight...or have maintained. I don't know...some people may disagree with me on this one...and maybe I would, too, if I were in a different mood, but I have to admit that my mood rises and falls with the numbers on that scale. And, again, I agree it shouldn't be that way...but it is...and it is for most of us.
I think I am starting to ramble here. My point is that you are an amazing person...beautiful, talented, smart...and you have a wonderful gift of showing your personality through your writing. So find a way to love that awesome chica. I agree with Kristi's post above me...perhaps it is time to consider medication in addition to the therapy. I am on Wellbutrin. I can honestly say it saved my life.
Here's hoping you find the light that the rest of us see! We love you!
...and I am always just a text away if you need to chat.
Love and hugs,
JM
Surgery date: January 30, 2006 - Lap. RNY
Age: 38 Height: 5'10"
Highest/Surgery Weight: 293
Ideal Body Weight: 160
Current Weight: Fluctuating!
Pounds till GOAL: I was at goal but let's re-evaluate once I have the baby!
Now another thing to remember, the surgery was on your body, not your brain. You are the perfect example of this. You have probubly sabatoged yourself over your journey, all part of not being the perfect you, so prove it to yourself, eat and stay fat. I know that mind set.
It is very possible to over come this and you have taken the first step. New if I were you and the Doc hasn't addressed the body issue soon, at least bringing it into context, I would look for someone else, which is always a good thing to do, (That is if the Doc you are with doesn't fit, find someone else, not all work well with everyone).
I had and still have these issues. I have just refocused it. Instead of eating the cake and cookies, I will grab a piece of bread or go real extreme and not eat. So far it hasnt gone into a major problem, still like to eat too much. But if I can't get the food I want, or if the place we are doesn't have or is out of food I think they should have that I will allow me to eat, I get upset.
Now one last thought. You still have the tool. You can get the use of it back. Work with the Doc, maybe even find one who specializes in WLS. Once you get your mind around it, you can do it. I promise (and I never promise anything to anyone). But I think you would probubly do well to get on some antidepressents for a short term. My self and my daughter have both used them for short times, it is a great tool, in the short run.
Feel better and play your music, find the joy there when you are down and see how far you have come in everything (Have to confess. I have played guitar and viola for 25+years, My friend, who I played guitar with, died a few years ago and I haven't been able to play any instrument since. My Muse died. But I remember the joy, so go find that.)
Best of luck, Kristi
264/134/150/138
pre/now/Dr.G/My Goal
AT GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!!
BB!!
18 years out and still at a weight I love.
*~*Jaci*~*
The more things the change, the more they're still the same.
I'm upset that I'm still obese, I've never seen a one at the beginning of my weight. Two hundred has always been the first two words since a year post op. I'm jealous of many for a minute and then rejoice in their accompliments, but I still can't shake the shame.
I had my plastic surgery already. My pannus was removed... the doctor took 15 pounds off and I saw 210 on the scale all of two weeks, now its back up up up. I still have skin. My tummy tuck wasn't cute and easy like others, my body decided to have excess rolls of fat all over and I'm stll stuck with side skin- 2 on one side and 1 on the other. It wouldn't be so bad if it just looked like a muffin top and not part of my back skin. But then I wonder why am I complaining? I can move again. The skin isn't in my way, I'm hygenic, I can dance, I can walk. And still I'm ashamed.
It took me two and half years to get into therapy. I started seeing the school therapist for my crazy body dysmorphia. No matter what I have on, I still see the skin... my new years dress? Took all the guts in the world to go out that night, sequins show everything don't you know. I have such major head issues, my doc and I have yet to cover the dysmorphia... turns out I have too high of expectations for myself and people, set myself up for failure and other things that don't help a girl love herself.
I'm watching Oprah's show about her weight right now. Yes I agree with everything everyone says... but geeze how in the world does one really love themselves? Carnie says it isn't about the weight or the scale... but I was nothing more than to 199 instead of the 221 I saw this morning.
Shouldn't I be amazed at how I went from a ballooned 393 pounds to 221? I was smaller once... why can't I still be happy I no longer am four hundred pounds? I can move. I can show livestock like I've never shown them before and for all of this I'm still upset? Makes no sense to me.
I want to look in the mirror and appreciate what I've been through. Appreciate the lessons learned. Love me for me. Drop the evil past- the past of hellish kids, mean girls, ******* men and evil employers. They don't own me, and yet they still have that grip.
My goal for the new year is to love me. To put me first. To appreciate the capabilities of my body. I can't rely on others to make me happy. I have to do that for me.
I know I'm generally a happy go luck poster... and normally I am! Today is just a gloomy day and I'm sure I'll be back to normal soon. Thanks for reading.
*~*Jaci*~*
The more things the change, the more they're still the same.
