I Should.

I should be jumping for joy.  I should be rejoicing in the wonderful life I have.  I should be happy.  But today, one and a half hours into the third anniversary of my bypass I am not happy.  I'm not sad either, I'm just blank.  I'm disappointed.  Is that a better word?

I'm upset that I'm still obese, I've never seen a one at the beginning of my weight.  Two hundred has always been the first two words since a year post op.  I'm jealous of many for a minute and then rejoice in their accompliments, but I still can't shake the shame.

I had my plastic surgery already.  My pannus was removed... the doctor took 15 pounds off and I saw 210 on the scale all of two weeks, now its back up up up.  I still have skin.  My tummy tuck wasn't cute and easy like others, my body decided to have excess rolls of fat all over and I'm stll stuck with side skin- 2 on one side and 1 on the other.  It wouldn't be so bad if it just looked like a muffin top and not part of my back skin.  But then I wonder why am I complaining?  I can move again.  The skin isn't in my way, I'm hygenic, I can dance, I can walk.  And still I'm ashamed.

It took me two and half years to get into therapy.  I started seeing the school therapist for my crazy body dysmorphia.  No matter what I have on, I still see the skin... my new years dress?  Took all the guts in the world to go out that night, sequins show everything don't you know. I have such major head issues, my doc and I have yet to cover the dysmorphia... turns out I have too high of expectations for myself and people, set myself up for failure and other things that don't help a girl love herself.

I'm watching Oprah's show about her weight right now.  Yes I agree with everything everyone says... but geeze how in the world does one really love themselves?   Carnie says it isn't about the weight or the scale... but I was nothing more than to 199 instead of the 221 I saw this morning.

Shouldn't I be amazed at how I went from a ballooned 393 pounds to 221?  I was smaller once... why can't I still be happy I no longer am four hundred pounds?  I can move.  I can show livestock like I've never shown them before and for all of this I'm still upset?  Makes no sense to me.

I want to look in the mirror and appreciate what I've been through.  Appreciate the lessons learned.  Love me for me.  Drop the evil past- the past of hellish kids, mean girls, ******* men and evil employers.  They don't own me, and yet they still have that grip.

My goal for the new year is to love me.  To put me first.  To appreciate the capabilities of my body.  I can't rely on others to make me happy.  I have to do that for me.

I know I'm generally a happy go luck poster... and normally I am!  Today is just a gloomy day and I'm sure I'll be back to normal soon.  Thanks for reading.

Jaci, I am so glad you are getting help.  Before you said that I was scared for you.  I think you need to take this letter to your Dr. and go thru it with them.  I really think you may need something more than talking right now, you sound ery depreppress.

Now another thing to remember, the surgery was on your body, not your brain.  You are the perfect example of this.  You have probubly sabatoged yourself over your journey, all part of not being the perfect you, so prove it to yourself, eat and stay fat.  I know that mind set.

It is very possible to over come this and you have taken the first step.  New if I were you and the Doc hasn't addressed the body issue soon, at least bringing it into context, I would look for someone else, which is always a good thing to do, (That is if the Doc you are with doesn't fit, find someone else, not all work well with everyone).

I had and still have these issues.  I have just refocused it.  Instead of eating the cake and cookies, I will grab a piece of bread or go real extreme and not eat.  So far it hasnt gone into a major problem, still like to eat too much.  But if I can't get the food I want, or if the place we are doesn't have or is out of food I think they should have that I will allow me to eat, I get upset.

Now one last thought.  You still have the tool.  You can get the use of it back.  Work with the Doc, maybe even find one who specializes in WLS.  Once you get your mind around it, you can do it.  I promise (and I never promise anything to anyone).  But I think you would probubly do well to get on some antidepressents for a short term.  My self and my daughter have both used them for short times, it is a great tool, in the short run.

Feel better and play your music, find the joy there when you are down and see how far you have come in everything (Have to confess.  I have played guitar and viola for 25+years,  My friend, who I played guitar with, died a few years ago and I haven't been able to play any instrument since.  My Muse died.  But I remember the joy, so go find that.)

Best of luck, Kristi

My friend...

One could guess by your very first sentence...and verify by the end of your first paragraph, that you put too much pressure on yourself.  What I mean is by your saying that you "should" feel this way...you "should" feel that way.  At the most basic level, you are saying that even your emotions are somehow wrong.  They are not.

Your feelings are valid and they are ok.  And I am right there with you.  I know that my heavier friends and, unfortunately, my sister, get very mad at me (to the point where they probably want to poke my eyes out) when I talk about my body issues....about how I feel like a total pig failure.  They are wishing they could weigh what I weigh and I bet they think that, if they did, life would be so much better.  Well, in some ways it is better.  But it does not kill the demons that live inside of us...the demons that are, perhaps, responsible for making us obese in the first place.  So on top of all the other stress in your life (school, work, dating), you are putting so much pressure on yourself to be happy...because you think you should be...because you think others think you should. be

You have such a light inside of you, Jaci.  You may not always feel it but it is there.  I hope that, with the help of your therapist, you will find it.  Please don't think that all your posts here have to be happy and upbeat.  I would rather have real Jaci than fake Jaci anytime. 

It is interesting what you said about Carnie (Wilson, I gather) when she says it is not about the scale or the weight.  I seriously have to laugh when I hear that because it is such utter bull****.  Fundamentally, I know that it should be about how we feel about ourselves but, come on...I am guessing that 99% of the people who claim "it is not about the scale" hop on that scale every morning and curse the fact that they have either gained weight...or have maintained.  I don't know...some people may disagree with me on this one...and maybe I would, too, if I were in a different mood, but I have to admit that my mood rises and falls with the numbers on that scale.  And, again, I agree it shouldn't be that way...but it is...and it is for most of us.

I think I am starting to ramble here.  My point is that you are an amazing person...beautiful, talented, smart...and you have a wonderful gift of showing your personality through your writing.  So find a way to love that awesome chica.  I agree with Kristi's post above me...perhaps it is time to consider medication in addition to the therapy.  I am on Wellbutrin.  I can honestly say it saved my life.

Here's hoping you find the light that the rest of us see!  We love you!

...and I am always just a text away if you need to chat.

Love and hugs,
JM

I know some of what you are feeling. I expect a lot of me and other people as well. I don't really know how you change that, except to expect nothing which I think is worse!!! Seems others are mentioning meds, and it is something to check out maybe. I'm on Effexor right now for depression but have been trying different ones. Nothing makes me happy anymore either. I think when you are fat you think SO many times, if only I was thinner everything would be better and I'd be happier, etc. that the reality just isn't there. I also think you are put under a microscope after you have this surgery and that adds to the pressure. People are watching to see if you succeed or fail. Anyways...

*I* think you are a beautiful, sweet girl and you know what? I am always right! Haha!!

Please know if you ever need someone to talk to, or just vent to, etc. I'm here for you. Be yourself! Who the hell is happy all the time??? 

Jaci........I dont know what to say. I feel like I need to just give you a big hug.

Im sitting here in tears after reading your post because you managed to type the thoughts in my head. Sometimes I feel like Im the only one going through this and no one would understand. I too feel like Im a number on the scale and that people expect more from me because I had this surgery. Every day for me, its hard just to walk out the front door and face the world. (You may not be this bad and I hope your not) Ive had moments where everyone was ready to leave and I was in tears and it took me an hour to calm down and be talked into stepping outside. I never had issues like this when I was over 300 pounds. Im not sure where they come from and I know I need therapy. I still see that obese person when I look in the mirror and I feel like thats the person others see when they look at me. Im not looking forward to Friday (my 3 years) because Im afraid of all the emotions it will conjure up.

I hope your therapist helps you. I hope you can let go of these demons and have the wonderful life you deserve. You HAVE come so far and you are beautiful.

You're right. The first step is to learn to love yourself.  To be a bit selfish and make YOU come first.

But you have to love you no matter what the scale says.  Once you can do that it is easier to do what's good for you and the pounds will come back off.

You may never be skinny and you need to accept that.  But you need to realize how beautiful you are NOW.

What you have done is truly remarkable and what you have given yourself is many more years of a healthy life.  And that is some gift.

So try not to beat yourself up.  You are smart and beautiful and young.  You have an entire exciting life to look forward to.

When are you supposed to hear from the college in PA?

Good things are ahead for you babygirl.  I know it.

JACI,
IT SEEM LIKE BY READING ALOT OF THE REPLAYS YOU HAVE DONE SOME THERAPY OF YOURSELF.  YOU SEEMED TO HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD FOR A FEW.
IT'S SO HARD TO STEP OUT OF YOUR OWN SKIN, AND FORGET WHAT WAS THERE.  AND SOME OF OUR TRIPS ARE LONGER THAN OTHERS,  BUT LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE AND HOW GREAT YOU LOOK.
LOVE YOU AND SEE YOU AT MEETING.
JACKIE 2

Jaci, You wrote exactly what most of us feel. I think the body image is the hardest part of this surgery! You are a wonderful person and beautiful inside and out! You have a lifetime ahead of you to make yourself the best you can be and I know you will do it! I am glad you are seeing a therapist and hopefully they can help you to see how beautiful YOU are!

Hugs, Chris

Sorry you are having such a sucky day ..............

Remember you are so very beautiful and blessed


Tori : ) 

Jaci, I was once a very active member of the site--now I lurk on rare occasion (1-2 x per year), but I always read the Sugiversary posts.

You are the name I always look for--- you are so much more together than I was at your age.  I always read what you write and shake my head at how clear you express yourself and how completely feaking smart you are. I didn't even begin to entertain these life questions that you think abput until my 40s!  You are not afraid to confront the big, bleak issues that have made us all---the dreaded word: fat. I am always in awe and amazed at how astute you are .  It sounds too cheesy to say 'courageous', but there you are---. Honestly, you are just unbelievable----

I hope you are well.  You will be in such a different place in your 30s and 40s because of these struggles/thoughts now, Jaci.
Good luck to you----C