Suicide and the effects on others..
I have a friend who is 63 (Barb) and I am 43. We are very close like a Mother and daughter and we introduce each other as "This is my "Chosen" mother/daughter. I never really had a great relationship with my own mother and she came into my life when I needed her most. About three weeks ago she asked her husband of 13 years for a divorce. He has his own room and after work returns there and never comes out except meals and work and of course to smoke. Things seemed to be going good as far as talking to him about their divorce and stuff and then out of the blue Friday he shot himself in the head. (out in their shed) He left notes and said he could not handle a divorce and felt he couldn't go on. I am in utter shock. I can't understand the brave but selfish decision he made. My husband has been extremely down since Friday and he said it just amazes him how someone could be here one day and chose to end it the next day. I know she blames herself although I keep telling her it is easy to blame someone else for what you decide to do. Kinda takes the blame away from the true person to blame. I just don't understand how someone can be so selfish and even with leaving a note, still leaves unanswered questions and leaves the survivors bewildered. I guess I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.
Hugs, Chris
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Chris:
I am so sorry for you and, especially, for your friend. There is nothing brave about suicide. It is the coward's way out. My parents have close friends...we call them "Aunt" and "Uncle" and considered their four boys our "cousins."
A decade ago, the youngest boy hung himself in his closet...leaving himself for his mother to find him. Their lives were shattered and they have never been the same since. I understand that I could not possibly understand the hopelessness that someone must feel to take that drastic step...but I cannot fathom the selfishness of the act, either. A single cruel act ruins the lives of so many.
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry, my friend!
Love and hugs,
JM
Jersey I do know it is really not BRAVE but to actually pull the trigger on such a final act although selfish was indeed a brave act for him. I wish he was able to speak with somone about his grief but unfortunately he was not. I have since found out that mental illness does run in his family and although I am not an emoional person this ha**** me greater than I expected. I cherish our friendship and thank you for your support. How is Denver feeling?
Hugs, Chris
Chris,
My condolences to you and to Barb. I am sorry for your loss and sorry that your friend is left to deal with the aftershocks. The pain is unimaginable over such a senseless act. Please continue to tell her she is not to blame. We are responsible for our own actions, the good, bad and ugly. Thank God he did not do it in their home.
I think it is fairly common knowledge that my mom committed suicide. You are right, the survivors are left wondering. My mom was your age, 43, when she killed herself. We did not have a note. She hung herself, was revived after too long after brain death had occurred and lingered on life support until I had the courage to say ok, turn the machine off. I was 24, sis as 14 and bro was about to turn 13. We were devastated. I had no idea how to go on.
Twelve years later, we still have a lot of questions. But ultimately, the survirors must move on. We must live our lives, moving forward and not dwell on the whys, what-ifs, I could have..., and all of the other things we think. Our life is before us and we must cheri**** and we must do more than survive the suicide of a loved one, we must live our lives and live them full, in the present and for the future. We must not dwell in the past and not focus on what we had not control over changing.
I think a lot of positives came for Jess and I out of mom's actions. We grew, we are strong, we percervered - our lives are better than the craziness that it was before. My kids are having a way different life experience than I did. Don't get me wrong, I so wish my mom could have been helped and could have overcome her problems. That she could have been June Cleaver. I would love to have a mom and a grandmother for my kids. But, looking back, the life we had was just crazy and the path we chose after her death has brought us down a good road . For my bro ... that is another story .. he does all kinds of stupid **** b.c he wants to be like mom. The survior has two choices - live or die. I don't mean die as in the stop breathing die, I mean die in that it ruins and consumes your life. I hope your friend, in time, can live.
Jen thanks so much for such a heartfelt reply. I forgot about your Mom and I am sorry to open old wounds. I appreciate all you offer me. I agree that suicide leaves so many questions without answers. I am glad you and your sister came out of this on the better side. The best way to honor someone is to live a better life and you sure are doing that! Hug, Chris
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