For Those Without Myspace...(LONG)
I have come to realize why I'm here in the world and thought I'd share some personal blogs for you ladies. Let's lived up the board a bit he he...
*** This blog is from August 3rd:***
Its been almost two weeks since T asked for the break. Ya, I broke the break by calling and going to his house once... but I needed the "Break Closure". The beginning was horrible for me. I cried for at least four days... only drying those tears while family was within earshot or visible. I don't understand why he wants this break... but if its what he needs, then he can have the two weeks he asked for.
The only explaination I received was he doesn't miss me and didn't like how we fought over the past month. Plus, I nagged which reminded him of my mother, whom he doesn't like at all. This is ALL news to me! I didn't think we had fights... ya there was some strain because I was constantly complaining about the results of my plastic surgery (Jumped the gun on the results and I'm finally growing to like it). I totally didn't know he disliked my mother as much as he says he does. Ya, she nags... but I have tried my absolute best to NOT be that nagging, needing girlfriend... supposedly I failed in his opinion.
I totally was at a loss for those first days. I lost my love, I lost my confidant and surely lost my best friend... how was I going to cope? I guess my coping since then hasn't been normal, but I've invited my high school buddies to go out with me. I just don't like being alone and sitting in a empty house just made my head swirl around and think terrible thoughts. Plus going out at night gives me something to look forward to and it keeps the bad thoughts at bay as well. Of course, this can't go on forever... but I'm starting to feel somewhat better in the friend department at least.
I suppose I have myself to blame for not having concrete relationships like others do. I am constantly censoring myself in social settings- like I used to in high school just so people will like me. Sadly, the going out and having a drink helps me loosen up... thus allowing me to be the me I would love to be 24/7. The me that's me when I'm with T. I can be funny, fun loving, free willed, a bit inhibited. With going out with Laci, Chelsey, Mari, Bridget I'm beginning to feel the real me is emerging. I'm exciting, I can make lasting friendships and I can be the life of the party without worrying what others think or say about me. I can do that without a drink in my hand. Its super hard, but I'm working on it- give me time, it's only been like 4 days lol!
This break has also forced me to look at myself and the plastics. I have struggled with my body image for God knows how long. Lately its been super hard. I had super high expectations of loving the new skinless me as soon as I woke up from my tummy tuck. Ya at the time I was elated the skin was gone, but once the anesthsia (ya I butchered that word) wore off all I saw was the swelling, the bulges, and the hugeness everywhere else.
With the tummy skin gone I can wear better clothes. I am wearing those *only 5 more pounds* tshirts and getting attention... I enjoy the attention. But at the end of the day I don't understand why I am getting it. Last night Laci and I went to dinner and just stood by our table staring at my reflection. Did you know I have huge boobs and actually have a butt? LMAO Before the skin was removed, the boobs were small and had little if any "attraction" Now, its like whoa baby lol! I have a waist.. sure it disappears at the end of the day due to swelling, but its there. Yes... my thighs are my problem spot right now that I'm trying to deal with. Laci assured me I was not the only one with problems lol. I'm thankful for her advice and insight.. she's really helping me start to admire my own self and hopefully project a better image of self confidence to everyone. I don't have much figure flattering clothes right now due to not shopping since my surgery, but maybe I'll make a trip down to Goodwill and find some flattering pants and nice tops lol. I don't want to spend too much money, just in case my swelling continues to go down and I get below a 16. I squeezed into a 14 for my uncles Memorial Service, but by the end of the day, was walking around with the button undone . Luckily I had a long tunic on.
I guess in closing... I needed the break too. I realized I put alot on T to make me feel good. I was bummed when he wouldn't notice my new haircut (I don't have much hair to begin with, how's he going to notice the slight angular cut? lol), I would be bummed when he didn't notice a new shirt or even a new colored bra strap... crazy I know. I relied on him to tell me I was beautiful, cute, gorgeous. Now, I'm trying to make myself believe and really see the womanly curve of my hips (yea, I have those too!), I'm trying to at least appreciate the allusion of boobs even though they're far from perfect. I'm not dwelling on my arm skin anymore. I'm wearing more tank tops to force that into my head. I'm looking at other girls and trying to gain their style knowledge. I'm working on me... and probably what I need to do.
Although I'm definately NOT happy and actually very broken up about the break T put us on, I do have to thank him for forcing me to look into myself and appreciate what I have to offer to this world. I too, can be that trophy wife... I just have to believe it.
***Now this one if from today!***
Its official... T and I are no more. Ya.. I miss him and his antics, but ya know what? After taking the time to evaluate my life, the past year and where I want to go... we just weren't meant to be. I've accepted that and am moving on.
Taking the time to focus on me has been wonderful. I don't have to worry about anything else and have really been digging deep. I have come to terms with my plastic surgery. I had humongous expectations about the way I'd look after surgery- I never took th time to account for swelling, the before or even the talent of the surgeon. I just had this picture of perfection plastered in my head and when the result wasn't as perfect I was devasted. I suppose you can say depressed... why go through all this pain and hardship for results that made me unhappy?
I was super upset that I wasn't perfectly smooth on the sides, the lumps and bumps from the back were just pulled foward and I didn't like what I saw in the mirror. Due to swelling, I wasn't as flat in the front as I'd like either. Plus... I didn't feel attractive like I thought I would. This along with drama from the fair, my uncle passing away and the drama with T later that week was completely emotionally traumatizing.
I haven't heard from the teacher at the fair lately... so hopefully that has disappeared. My uncle was buried last week at the military cemetary in Santa Nella and T hasn't contacted me since July 25... so with all that I've had my time to myself and working on me.
Spending time with my dear girlfriends has helped me so much. They have really let me be me- the me that was hiding behind the super funny, jolly happy-go-lucky fat girl for the past 22 years. I have learned to be sexy, tonot only project confidence but to be confident, to smile for no reason at all and to accept what life has given me and enjoy it to its fullest.
I am working super hard now on accepting my body. I'm almost there, ya know? I'm to the point where I feel wonderful in well fitting clothes and now find myself grabbing the fitted clothes over the baggier, safety clothes. For example- yesterday I bought a black and white dress that is sleeveless from anchor blue... a trendy JUNIOR store! It is short and flirty and when I walked out to the mirrors, the attendant didn't stop raving aout how cute it was. I bought it that very instant- sure she could have just been trying to get a sale... but I felt wonderful. It was on clearance to boot and I can't wait to wear it with my hot pink shoes I got also! So whose taking me out later?
Yesterday was the first day of school for me. I have always been in school... but never tried to stand out or be noticed. This time I wore loose, but stylish clothes, did my hair super cute and walked into my classes like I owned the world. Ya, I was noticed and might even make some friends! Today was the first day for my Tuesday/Thursday classes. One of the students I had today was in my music class yesterday and she just kept going on and on about how much I knew regarding music and how I was gonna be someone someday. That really helped uplift my heart 
So the name proves it... I've found myself and don't ever want to lose her again. She is an inspiration, she is a sister, a lover, a sweetie, a friend and most important... she's real. I am real... and will never again let myself put myself on the back burner.
So the name proves it... I've found myself and don't ever want to lose her again. She is an inspiration, she is a sister, a lover, a sweetie, a friend and most important... she's real. I am real... and will never again let myself put myself on the back burner. 
Hi sweetie,
(((hugs))) on the break with T. I know things will work out for you. I had a bf that I was head over heals in love with ... we broke up and I was devastated ... then I met my hubby - that was over 18 years ago. Good things will happen for you even if they are not with T. Take care of yourself!
God Bless!
jen
Hey Chickie:
I am so happy for you, and so proud, to see how you have risen above the recent events in your life (although I did not hear about the fair/teacher story...what happened?). You ARE beautiful...and adorable...and I bet you are a blast to hang out with!
I am sorry to see that your relationship with Tommy ended. But, you know...everyone you meet comes into your life for a reason. I think that we learn and grow from them...even in the smallest ways. The first breakup is always so danged painful but we learn so much from it that it is a necessary evil.
And brava to you for leaning on your girlfriends. I am completely deficient in this arena...having no physical close girlfriends of my own (though many distant friends...including everyone on this board...that I am wildly in love with). I am very envious of your relationship with them so hold fast to them!
You are on your way, Chickie! I know that great things will happen for you (they are happening now!). Just keep your great attitude and that mega-watt smile and you will be just fine!
Feel free to text any time...
Hugs,
Jersey
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Hugs,
Jersey Most Active
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