This will be a little difficult to read...

Hey guys~ I keep going into hiding and I'm sorry. Not sure why but I wanted to come on here and reveal some ugly things I have been struggling with. I hate that I had this surgery!!! I wish I was still 321 pounds!! I thought I hated my life then...oh no...I hate it now!!! Read my blogs and about me on my myspace...www.myspace.com/goswick2879 This month marks 18 mons for us. In those 18 months my life has been a train wreck. My husband left me, I'm not allowed to see my children, I have attempted suicide 3 times, I am diagnosed as a bulemic, I am a binge drinker...I can't remember the last time I went 24 hours without drinking to the point of blacking out. I go through a 5th of vodka every other day. My reputation in my hometown is humiliating but well deserved....if you know what I mean. I go to a shrink now. She is trying to help me....diligently. I just don't know that I can be helped at this point. All this?? I suffer with all this now because I simply wanted to be skinny?? HA!! And here's the real butt-kicker...I still feel FAT!!! I wear a size 4 and see a cow in the mirror!! Like I said....not sure why I chose to let you all know this, maybe it's an attempt to help any of you dealing with something in your life right now...just know there are people out there struggling just to make it to tomorrow. Dawn

Oh, Dawn, I'm so sorry. I'm not much of a poster, but a lurker and am touched by what you've said. I understand there are people out there *****gret the surgery, fortunatly, I'm not one of them. I would to it again in a heartbeat. I'm so sorry you are struggling. You are so beautiful and yours were some of the posts I looked forward to the most. You are so inspirational. It sounds like you are on the right path - with the psych and hopefully she can help you resolve some of your issues. I wish I had wise words for you, I don't, except to know that you are not alone and I will keep you in my prayers. Kim

One day at a time. Please pick up "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz for a bit of reading while on this path to finding yourself and who you want to be in the future. Teresa

Hello Dawn, I read your post this morning and couldn't believe what I was reading. It seriously brought tears to my eyes. I just didn't know exactly what to say so I left twice without responding. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. Please stay positive about the therapist being able to help you. I have read similar stories oh OH and getting help is what got them back on track. You are doing the right thing by seeing someone. You will definantly be in my thoughts and prayers. Keep in touch with us. We love you and care about so much. You are a beautiful, intelligent and worthy person, Dawn. Remember that! Take Care Kay

Dawn, I don't post very often, just lurk, but I thought I just had to respond to your post. Please know that there is help for you!! My neighbor is going through something very similar. He lost 120 lbs with his surgery. He never drank alcohol before his surgery--says he never liked the taste of it. After his surgery he just couldn't handle the compliments etc. and couldn't resort to food for comfort. Foods were making him so uncomfortable (he still can't eat meat after 18 months). He says one day he drank a beer & it went down so easily--no dumping, no vomiting..it felt great. Then he started drinking more & more. His wife was on the verge of leaving him too. We spoke almost daily about this. He refused to go to therapy. I begged him because I was having problems with transferring addictions with shopping. Well, to make a long story short,,he finally admitted that he is an alchoholic & needs help. He has started therapy & he & his wife are attending AA meetings. He is doing so much better now. He, too, regretted having surgery, but is feeling better about it now. ( He never went to therapy before or after surgery,,it wasn't required for him) He was also prescribed anti depressants which have helped tremendously. It was awful to see him so down & hitting the bottom of the barrel, but as he now says...he had to hit bottom before he could climb out. I know that you probably don't see a happy ending in sight, but just know that you are a good person that has lost her way. You will find your way back & hopefully your family will be able to forgive you & be a part of your life again. Kathy

Dawn, I'm so sorry that you're going through all this turmoil. Thank you for sharing because not everyone that has this surgery has a happy-go-lucky time in the months and years after. I was watching Oprah one day, and her show was about the exact thing you're going through. People who find other addictions after WLS surgery...you certainly aren't alone. The facts are this: 1)You had the surgery...it's a done deal 2)You CAN be helped at this point and by you saying you don't think you can be helped just means you're not sure if you want to make that change. 3)If you don't want change for yourself...remember those around you that mean so much to you, mainly your children. I certainly think you CAN be helped, it's just going to be a struggle. You've already made the first step and that's admitting that you have a problem! You're such a beautiful person, and I'm sure that was true before surgery. I'm sure you've helped many people with your prior endeavors...you deserve so much more than what you're doing to yourself babe! Keep up with your shrink, and if you think she's not enough...get a new one. All of this that can be undone..if you help yourself. I'm sure you can do this, you have to WANT to do this at the same time. Feel free to email personally anytime you need to let something out. Sometimes it's easier to tell strangers things versus people you know very well. When my boyfriend passed, I'll admit I was going through some things, and didn't even care if I made it until the next day. I may not be going through the same things as you, but I can understand some of the hurt and pain. Please take better care of yourself for you, your children (they're so adorable), and your family. April

I am well aware that I am taking a big chance here to get blasted for speaking my mind, but I am sorry. I have not been on myself in months, but not for any reason other than the fact that I feel the support here has been pathetic at best. Dawn, I read this post several times wondering what to say, and I keep coming back to being angry, disgusted, and sad for you. I looked up to you, and even recall at one point sending you a message or two on myspace telling you what an inspiration you were to me and got no response at all from you. I truly am sorry for you and more importantly your kids, that you have made some really poor choices, but you have to live with it, so really it is none of my business...except that you choose to walk away from a lot of people on this board that looked up to you, only to come back and cry about how bad things are for you now. Nobody ever said this was easy, and if all you expected to get out of it was to be skinny, it doesn't surprise me that you are going through such traumatic events. You are certainly not the only one struggling, and hopefully you will be able to get the help you need. I do not wish anything bad for you, hon, I wish you had realized you needed help sooner. I just hope that for you and your kids it hasn't gone too far. It concerns me that in a response to this post someone is still calling you an inspiration. I for one am not at all inspired by you taking this second chance at life just to throw it all away. I hope you can crawl out of this a better stronger person and learn form your mistakes, it saddens me to think those beautiful babies of yours may not get their mother back. Do this for you Dawn, and if you can't find it in you to, then do it for those kids. They will always need you. You will be in my thoughts and I pray that you will get better.

Karyn...AMEN! I certainly agree with what you have said. I don't think you said it to be mean, but to be truthful. But this isn't just in response only to Dawn, but to others out there who are going through similar things. I didn't see anyone saying she's currently an inspiration, but becoming a personal trainer and a group fitness instructor is AMAZING, but people backslide sometimes. It doesn't dismiss what they've done prior to their troubles. I just wish anyone who is going through the same thing or similar has the strength to rise above it and resume a partially normal life. I would hope they wouldn't brag about the difficulties they're going through and realize this is serious stuff. And what you've said about people just wanting to be skinny...AMEN! ALOT of people who have had WLS focus on just that and only that. It's really sad. I did this to better myself, be more healthy, and to lose weight. NOT TO BE SKINNY! I got enough meat on my bones and love it. Anyway, just wanted to tell you well said. Hope she and others take this as true honesty and not flaming. April

Hi Dawn, This post is sent with love and discernment. I had to go away and think about you and this post before I could reply. I sincerely pray that you get it together. Your post does not surprise me, there were tons of red flags in your "inspirtational" posts as others have called them. Many people tried to warn you but ... When you first started posting you were a woman of faith. Everything you wrote goes directly against being a woman of faith. Where is your relationship with Christ? It seems your primary relationship these days is with a 5th of alcohol. This does not allow you to be in control of you mind, which we are directed to be in control of. The pictures you posted do not show a woman of modesty. I am sure your husband was less than happy with you showing what belongs to him to the whole world over the internet. The bible has a lot to say about adultrey and fornication. I am so sorry you have fallen into all of these temptations. It seems that you want to do what feels good at the moment. You need Christ, are you praying? Do you need someone to pray with you? For you? When you talked the suicide talk the last time I called you and expressed what it was like to be a survivor of suicide. Suicide is the most selfish act that a person can do. I am glad you are seeing a counselor, she can only help you as much as you want to be helped. Take care of yourself. God Bless, Jen

I agree with my fellow January sisters, I do not hate that I had the surgery. All I can say is that if there is any reason for you to seek help it is for your children. As a mother I can't imagine doing anything to jeopardize my relationship with my son or my husband. Hang in there and be strong. It is good to seek help and take the steps necessary to ensure that you are going on the right path. Good luck ~Norma~