OT - To all the Moms...HELP!

Oh Jersey, I have so much to say I do not know where to begin. I want to qualify all that I say with this .. This all comes from a place of love, no criticism, or judgment is meant by anything I say or type ... I love you and want the best life for you and your family. I do not think you are too late but I do think you have to get him under control now or your life will be hell the older he gets. I have lived a long life in my "young" 35 years and feel like I have the experiences of someone much older than me. I am going to relate some of those stories so you know where I am coming from and know that I am not a judgmental woman without a clue about what she is talking about. I also want you to know that my kids are not perfect, far from it. I am not a perfect mother. I am sure I make a thousand mistakes a day. There are days when I just do not know how I am going to put up with one more tantrum, fit or exhibit of disobedience. Like today, they just want to stand on the sofa - GET DOWN !!!! I must have said 4 million times already!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kids will act the way you expect and allow them to. Raise your expectations, set rules, and enforce them with JK. Back to the comment about JK being sick for so long, I would like to share a story and offer some advice. When my brother was 4 years old, he was riding his bike, hit by a SUV, and drug 50 or more feet down the burm of the road until the driver figured out she had just hit a little boy riding his bike. He was rushed by ambulance to the local hospital and life flighted to a regional trauma center. My mother was told to call the funeral home and start arrangements because there was not a chance of survival. Michael had injuries so critical death really seemed imminent. His injuries included; two broken legs, a broken arm, three broken ribs, three cracked ribs, two collapsed lungs, a fractured skull, road burns on this whole body and during his hospital stay he developed multiple staph and strep infections. So you get the point, he was sick. He spent 45 days in pediatric ICU. He was in multiple types of therapy for months and months after being released from the hospital. By a miracle, he survived but not without complications. He has lasting brain damage and bi-lateral hearing loss. So, all of that to say this; from the day he was released from the hospital, my mother was so grateful for his life, he could do no wrong. He received very little structure and discipline. With his brain damage, he has some impulse control issues; I believe if my mother had trained him properly, he would have fewer issues today. While my mother was alive, she would not let any one else take control i.e. teachers etc. My brother could do no wrong. She trained him to think he could live without consequences for his actions. Fast forward to today. He is 24 years old and continually struggles with life. He has trouble holding a job for an extended period of time, hates authority and has had experiences with the legal system - get my drift? I think if my mother would have instilled structure, discipline and expectations of good behavior, Michael would have an easier time with life today. I think he would have some struggles but not near the ones he has. After my mother died, Wayne and I took custody of my brother and sister. We struggled and struggled with Michael. There were days that I was sure either he or I would not make it through the day. I still struggle with how to help him and guide him in life. All of this, I believe, resulted because there was no foundation set in place by my mother to build on. So, please do not let your angel being sick be an excuse for not making him listen. It takes greater love to discipline than to make excuses. I think you have to draw some lines in the sand, start today. This will mean some tough struggles but in the end, you will get the results you want. You will have to get buy-in from your hubby. He will have to tell your in-laws here are the new house rules and you are expected to follow them too. Have him explain the concerns over JK's behavior and your desires to have him under control. To think that you can correct every action immediately is probably unrealistic. I would start with the most important and/or least embarrassing first. Get control in a few areas and then the others may come easier. If I were you, starting tonight, everyone will sit at the table for dinner. This means you, hubby, in-laws, and JK. I think it is so important to sit as a family at the table. If a member of the family is not at the table then they do not get to eat. Period. If JK does not come to the table to eat, let him go hungry. He will not die by missing one meal. If he does not eat, after dinner, offer him a glass of milk. He will have received nourishment with the milk but will not have the benefit of having dinner not at the table. Once you have the dinner thing under control, I would move to other areas. Don't go get JK immediately from his crib. I have left the kids in their rooms for 10 minutes - longer if they fall asleep while "relaxing." I know the time-out rule is one minute per year of life but that is not always effective. He is in his crib, he sleeps there at night for hours and is safe, he will be safe in his crib for 10 minutes, or whatever time you deem appropriate for the situation. I do not think playing with things around the house is hurting him at all. My kids love to fold laundry and unload the dishwasher. They think it is fun so I let them do it. I can't see how playing with the vacuum or your make up will hurt him. Nathanial often dons a princess dress, firefighter's hat and high heels. He also plays with dolls and with the vanity set. Of course, he plays with "boy toys" too. I am curious as to why doesn't JK play with toys? My kids are 19 mo - 3 ½ and they all play with toys. This is their ages - girl 19 months, boy 24 months, girl 33 months and girl 42 months. I also baby-sit a little girl, she is 29 months old. We do have a large variety of toys and activities that they can engage in. I think JK is probably pretty intelligent and gets bored pretty easily. Am I right there? Grace is the same way so I have a lot of variety to offer her when it comes to activities during the day. We have several creative play areas in the toy room; kitchen, doll changing table, and vanity. Then we have bins and bins of toys; blocks, doctor kits, music, puzzles, Lincoln logs, vehicles, dolls, balls, dress up, tons of little people, electronic learning games, flash cards and tons of books. In the craft area, I have crayons, markers, watercolors, finger-paints, regular paint & paint brushers, stamps, construction paper, scissors that have designs and plain scissors, play-doh, stickers, coloring books and so on. Yesterday we played dolls, puzzles, read books, did colors, I covered the table with craft paper and they drew "murals," played with the play-doh and dress-up. Variety is the spice of life - or so they say. I work constantly to keep them "entertained" when they get bored is when they are the naughtiest. I am sure he has toys, maybe they are not the right ones for him. Take him to Wal-Mart, Target, Toy-R-Us or wherever and let him choose a few new toys. Have you tried him with the Leap Frog activity games? They are entertaining and educational. In addition, you may need to look at toys designed for kiddos a bit older than JK. I let my kids play with toys designed for upper ages as long as there is nothing that can hurt them What abou****ching TV? How much TV does he watch. There are child development studies that show the more TV kids watch, the worse their behavior. My kids get to watch TV a few hours a week, they do no****ch TV every day for hours on end. They watch TV mainly when one of us is home alone with them and need to get something done. The programming we allow is PBS; Sesame Street, Clifford, Big Big World and videos; Miss Patty Cake, Cedermont Kids, some Disney, Veggie Tales, Barney and such as that. What about signing him up for something extracurricular - swimming, Little Gym, Gymboree, Karate - something that he really likes and making that a reward for good behavior? We did that with Marissa and AWANAs. If she had "bad" behavior issues, she would not get to go to her meeting and she loves church so that really affected her. As for the sorry card, when he jumps to "I am sorry" and you know it is not coming from a place of truth, attach a punishment to it. Put him in his room, in time-out, make him clean up the mess or whatever. Nathanial and Grace are notorious for knocking their dishes or utensils off the table when we are finishing our meals. If anything spills as a result, they clean it up. Of course, I go behind them and do the real cleaning. Nevertheless, by having them clean, they are learning the consequences of their actions. I do not think 2 ½ is too young for a sticker chart. Since he is smart enough to manipulate you with I am sorry - he is smart enough to get the concept of rewards for good behavior. I would make columns that would be easy for him to earn stickers for and then some that were more challenging. Ok, it is almost 11:00 and that is lunch time so I better run and get lunch before the native get restless. That makes me think of one more thing ... a schedule - we live off of a schedule - if not things would be crazy. With one kid you can be much more flexible but we keep a pretty routine schedule every day. 7am wake up 8am breakfast Free play until lunch 11 am lunch 1130 nap 130 wake from nap 200 crafts or play outside if weather is ok 330 snack 400 play 615 daddy home and dinner 645 play with daddy - outside if weather is ok 730 bath/bed time Of course, this is not exact and does vary a bit from day to day, but is our basic routine. I wish you tons of luck and patience while you work with JK. God Bless, Jen

I totally agree with your great advice.................... Tori

Maybe to much Grama and Grandpa you know when someone else is in our home we tend to be les confrontational with our children justt to keep peace and they learn ooo I can push mommy farterh and get what I want. In the store etc people are feeling more sorry for you than anything they remember when there children were like that, and believe me they all go through it..... This to shall pass..............what a road at least it is much more peaceful between 4 and 11 then the teenager phase starts and if I make it out of this one alive I will be a much better person having lived through it.............and I thought 2 was bad before... TRY TO HAVE A GREAT DAY TORI