Absolutely Miserable - Long

Hi Guys: I stopped by today to catch up and debated a long time whether I wanted to post my misery. I feel like my posts lately have been exclusively downers...I am sorry about that. I am just so freaking miserable. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for...I truly do...but I am just in a major funk right now. Weight loss is going nowhere (been going up and down the same three lbs for a while now) but, you know what? I don't even care. I do care that, when I bend over, I look like a native from National Geographic...it is scary. And I do care that my hair is complete crap. I know I should NOT care about these things...but I do. My hair is dead and frizzy and it feels like I have a witch's wig on...that is how bad it looks. It is only remedied by wearing clip-on hair which, miraculously, matches my shade exactly. But my scalp hurts from wearing it all the time and I am sick of it! Most importantly, my son has been sick FOREVER. The damn surgery did nothing for him. We put my poor baby through all that garbage for NOTHING. He is still coughing all the time and his nose runs constantly and his personality has changed completely. He is bad-tempered and angry all the time. Who the hell can blame him but he is, at the moment, screaming his head off. I have gone to rock and check on him 4 times already and I am at the end of my damned rope. My husband and I are not getting along. It has nothing to do with my weight loss. We have completely divergent personalities and that was okay for a while...even exciting. Lately we have become more and more intolerant of our differences. He has a terrible temper lately and, on top of everything else I cannot handle that, too. Furthermore, I don't think I even want to handle it anymore. I hate my job. I full-on freaking hate my job. Do you remember the fear you felt in grade school on the days you had to give a presentation? When I was in those situations I remember thinking, "I cannot wait to grow up because I will never have to deal with this fear again." Well, I have to deal with that kind of stress EVERY DAY. I am THAT stressed. I have been asked, "Why don't you look for something else? Quit?" The reason is my mortgage. We bought my childhood home and, without my salary, we cannot afford it. I am on the cusp of my 10-year anniversary at work which means 4 weeks of paid vacation and a great pension. Yes, we can sell the house, I suppose. But that would break my parents heart. No one has owned this house but my family. In a sense, I know I am CHOOSING to be miserable at work because I am not prepared to give up my house...and I do feel stupid about it. But I also know that, despite my B.A. in English and graduating number one in my class from a tech institute, I am qualified to do NOTHING. So I doubt that I could find anything else. And my not working is, unfortunately, not an option. My husband is on the rise in his job so we cannot leave the area. And to live in NJ means to pay a king's ransom for even the smallest shack. And I feel trapped and resentful and supremely stressed. My son's allergist said, "Is there any way you can switch your son's climate for a while to see if his health improves?" He did not really mean it but, yes, I do have that option. So my baby is going to Florida to stay with my parents WITHOUT ME for almost a month. Almost a full month without my reason for living. But I cannot go because I cannot take the time off (thanks to my bowel twist earlier this year). Then, when he comes home, my Mother-in-Law is coming to stay. INDEFINITELY. Much as I love the woman, I always feel awkward with other people living in my house. Especially someone who does not speak English. My husband is still attached to his mother via the umbilical cord so, needless to say, I am REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THE SUMMER. Then I think of people like poor Julie who has been dealing with sh*t for over a year and then I feel terribly guilty for feeling so miserable. But, quite frankly, I do not know what to do with myself. My marriage is crap, my weight loss has come to a screeching halt, I wake up heavy hearted every single day knowing that I have to drop my son off at day care (for now) and he clings to me and begs me not to leave him. But I do...with tears in my eyes...so I can drive my sh*tty commute and go to Stress Central and feel like a veal trapped a too-small box. And all I want to do when I get home is go to sleep to forget about everything. But then I fight going to sleep because I know that, once I wake up, I have to start this crap all over again. I feel stressed and empty and hopeless and lost. And so, so tired. But THANK YOU for listening to me. It has to get better...right? Love you. Jersey Mom

Jersey, I am so sorry you are having such a rough time right now! I will pray for you that everything only gets better each day that passes! I'm so sorry about your son. My son also has Asthma problems and frequent ear infections. He's home right now with Strep throat. It just plain sucks to see your own child suffering..I can relate to that! As for you and your husband, I hope you and your husband can find your way back to eachother. You obviously have a lot going on right now with your son and ****ty job...Stress can take over your whole life, I've seen it! I will pray for you and your family Jersey...you are such a wonderful person and I know anyone on here will agree to that! Be well and I'll talk to you soon!! Your Friend, Shannon

I'm so sorry you're having such a horrible time! It sucks to feel so hopeless and empty, but at the same time I think that's what makes us better people. And complain! Complain all you want...it'll make you feel better. Just think if we went through life without any hurdles and no crap...I think I would feel like crap! But yes...things have to get better. Just let it come to you on it's own. A big hug for you, girl! April

((((((((((Jersey))))))))))))) Do not be ashamed about posting anything. We are a family, thus your problems are problems we all can help you deal with... I'm across the country... but everyday you are in my thoughts. I was wondering how Little Jersey Boy was doing, and you answered that for me. I am terribly sorry the surgery didnt help... that's awful. I hope the change in Florida will help pin point what is activating his misery. I know you're going to pull through all of these.... I just know it. *Hugs* Jaci

Jersey Hang in there.......hugs and kisses I think we all go through days of stress. There are days I just want all the extra skin and weight to melt off. And my weight has been on a hold since September. I have been riding a 4 pound up and down. But have lost a few inches. Lately no real work outs but I do walk 1 mile 3 times a week and teach a senior chair exercise class. But I need to exercise more. I know. But then there are those people in your life telling you you are trying to hard. And they say they are worried I am losing to much. Not even. At 5 9 1/2 I feel I should be around 150 to 170 even my primary said a few more pounds wouldn't hurt. But I am around 188 to 193 pounds...My future plastic surgeon states I don't need to loose any more weight because he feels I have a lot of skin that will drop my weight around goal weight. He even went as far as telling me some people try to hard and cause health issues that could hurt you in the long run. I do feel are loved ones at times get jealous of our changes that we are going through. Especially since I lost the weight I think my husband is picking up the slack of what I don't eat. I really feel bad at times. How old is your son? It sounds like you are a excellent mother. Caring loving. I know it is hard to leave a crying child at daycare. My son and I got through it. But looking back I do wish I could have had more time with him. Since he was 6 weeks old I went back to work. And he has been in childcare since. But now I have a wonderful 16 year old teenage which is independent and trustworthy. Thank goodness. No troubles. Just keep loving your son and letting him know that you care and love him. Wishing you a better tomorrow........Hugs, Hugs, Hugs, Hugs, Hugs, Hugs Suzan

Robin, I am so sorry you are miserable!! I completely understand about your son - it would be so hard for me to be without one of my sons for a month! What part of FLORIDA?? We live right on the line. Gerry's nosebleeds stopped when we moved here 8 yrs ago. It was defiantley worth it for his asthma, nosebleeds and ear infections. We tried having his tonsils out (they left the adnoids). But just moving SOUTH has made a difference. Of course now we are dealing with this new allergy to what? dunno YET! But today was his first day back at school and I am praying the 11 medications he is now on will keep him safe. Robin, I want you to know I am praying for you. I know my life must look pretty bad for those looking in- and well, now I feel pretty lame after hearing your problems. I mean, my life is simple - easy and I love it. I love my DH, my kids, my church, my friends. The house we just bought and are moving in soon (which will help us pay off some of these medical bills from home health for the past year). RENT has been HIGH. And now we will be paying half that to own! I am blessed. MY DH has really stepped up. He has cared for me and made me realize how lucky I am and LOVED. We have been going to church everytime the doors are open and we have all grown in our faith. And it has done wonders for our marriage, our children, our lives. I read so many post of people who have all these bad things happening and I pray for them. I see prayers answered. And I see people who are depressed. Sometimes I get sad and I lean hard on my friends, go to GOD in prayer and pray for guidance- patience. GOD has changed my life, Robin. I often wonder if it not be for how long (GOD's timing I'm sure) I have been sick if things wouldn't be so good for my life. I mean, we as a family have grown in Christ so much in this past year. And is my illness to blame? Was GOD teaching me or us as a family a lesson we needed to learn? I no longer make excuses, and no matter how sick I am (I have vomited during services)I drag myself to church. I devoted my life to serve and GOD has blessed me. The reason I am sharing this with you is because I have felt the emptyness, the hopelessness and the lost you are talking about .. but now it's gone for me. I am so glad he lifted it from me. I know he has a purpose for me and I am going to PRAISE him for blessing me. And Robin, I am praying for you and your family. I know my faith is different from others. But know that I serve a just and loving GOD who has unconditional love for us all. And whether or not our religions are different - I still care for you and pray for you!! You are so sweet and special to me and this board. We are so lucky to have an active board like we do. It has been such good support. I am so glad I can come to my sweet January family. I love you! Hope this finds you having a much needed rest and a better day Thank you for thinking of me! It means so very much.. I can't even find the words... Julie

Can I ask you something? Isn't it time to do something for yourself? Everything in your life is for someone else, your son, which I understand and it will always be, your parents, you are staying in the house just for them, for your husband, his mother coming to stay. The job falls to your parents also. I think you really need to make some changes. Allergies are also affect by emotions. Your son knows you are unhappy, probubly part of his personality change. Emotions will cause allergies to get worse. Maybe it is time to put you and your son first. Sell the house (if it is older, it might have mold that is also affecting your son. I can't be in an old house for any length of time because of that), get a new job (have you thought about teaching? You have a BA in english, you should be able to sub anywhere) and maybe say no to your mother-in-law coming, too much stress for you and your son. I feel so bad for you. I hope maybe you can make life better. I understand where you are coming from, I was like your son growing up and most of my adult life. I couldn't even sit with my kids when they were sick because I couldn't take the chance of getting sick, I would end up in the hospital. I just think, for your health and your sons, you need to make some changes, starting by putting your needs first. I bet things for you and your son would become better if you did. My love goes out to you and some helping strength for you too.

Hi Jersey. My son is 27. The Dr. said the same thing to me about the climate when he was a little boy. He was allergy tested. Full allergy tested and began getting allergy shots and that seemed to be the life saver at the time. I know what you are going threw. I sat with him in the hospital while he slept under one of those tents many many times. He is now grown out of everything. I think when he turned ten everything went away. Has he been allergy tested. God Bless and good luck. Denise

HUGS Jersey Mom, so sorry you are going through all this.

My heart goes out for you. Dont feel bad about venting. You need to vent and thats what we are here for. First of all, have you been to your PCP? Could you get on meds to help the depression? Second, are you taking all of your vitamins and have you had your blood work done lately. And third... You are under A LOT of stress and that will take a toll on anyone. Be paitient with your self and remember that God has a plan for you. I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless Cathy