Hello...

...my name is Jaci and I am a food addict. Yes... I realized that today while attending a support group in Turlock. There was a speaker... she is a Clinical Psychologist that deals with addiction and family issues. I was addicted to food before surgery, and I'm still addicted... the feelings just were subdued prior to 3 months ago. The doctor had a bypass 3 years ago and knows all the signs and symptoms and emotional ups and downs patients go through. She's lost roughly 100 pounds and has had the excess skin removed... she's beautiful. I never thought one could actually be addicted to food. Drugs- yes, Alcohol- yes, Sex- Yes, Gambling- Yes... Food? Never crossed my mind! What was I thinking? I see it now... I see how food grabs one and hold on without a hint of letting go. I don't remember what triggered my addiction- it had to be when I was super young. I can not remember a time when I was not the fattest child/person in the room. Trigger foods? Ohhhh yes, there are many. I cannot be in the same room as candy, cookies, cakes... anything yummy yummy. It must be gone or in my tummy for me to function normally without it consuming my thoughts. At the meeting tonight... I couldn't help thinking about stopping at Starbucks for a Java Chip Light on the way home. What the heck is wrong with me? I also learned tonight, that I've been sabotaging myself for the past 4 months. I started a plateau around 9 months into my surgery and have been at the same weight (give or take 5 pounds) since then. I have allowed myself to experiment with different foods, amounts, and other tasty things like alcohol. The doc informed up we are subconsciously sabotaging our accomplishment of losing the huge amount of weight by indulging since we "deserve" it. I admit it... I've indulged in waaaaay too many Java Chip Lights, ice cream scoops and dark chocolate pieces. I haven't lost anything past the magic number of 210 pounds... I try hard one day and nothing happens, so I eat another piece of chocolate the next day. Ugh, why do I do this? Tomorrow is a new day right? Now that I'm aware of this I can work on my issues. I have told a few people... but they're nonchalant about it. This is a problem that I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. This is an issue that I will fear passing on to my children- especially if my husband has addiction is his family. There is proven research that states Addiction is passed on. That's just wonderful- another thing for me to worry about. Right now, I actually feel like a failure... an idiot. I am sad that I haven't lost any weight and angry that I've done it to myself! What the heck. Soooo tomorrow is a new day. I'm changing the eating habits. When I think about it, I never really get hungry! So why am I eating every single time I see food? So... I'm taking my own food to work. What I have is what I'll eat... nothing more. I'll only drink water and will not drink the diet coke I've become accustomed to again, nor the starbucky concoction I make at Jack with the icecream and chocolate syrup. It's gonna be rough... but I've gotta do it. Then there is the constant self doubt. Every single day people tell me how great I look, how little I eat, how cute I am and how skinny I'm becoming. It's a daily thing and I constantly feel more self conscious regarding what I look like every morning, afternoon and evening. Yes, I loved the attention at first. I reveled in it. I liked the cat calls and appreciation I got at the Armory every night... I liked the compliments from the church ladies on Sunday mornings, I loved the wow you're getting so skinny from co-workers. Now, I don't. I'm incredibly uncomfortable at the armory- I don't know who is gonna say something next and how to react to it. Now I just go with it and don't give a response... but still, the comments come. After church on Sundays, the ladies bombard me with comments. Oye... I guess I have lots of mental issues don't I? Who do I talk to? I have no money for therapy and all I have is this blog. I try to talk to T... or friends, but they don't understand I guess this is definitely all that I have.... My Plan: 1. Take My Own Food To Work 2. Exercise 3. Drink Lots of Water 4. Tell Myself Good Things Everyday 5. Try Not To Worry About Everything 6. Do a Food Journal 7. Take My Vitamins (As posted on MySpace)

Jaci, I am late for work already but I could't possibly read this and not respond.....you must know you are not alone and this is definitely the place to come for someone to talk to. I know you have my number and several others, so PLEASE talk to us, we understand! Food IS an addiction, for most if not all of us and it is something that we need to conquer or all the hard work we have put into the past year will go down the drain in the next five. I wish I had time to tell you how much I truly understand everything you are saying, and your plan sounds fantastic, so just do the best you can and come to us if you fall off, but whatever you do don't give in...it's all about you being in control...NOT food. Love you girl...hang in there. Karyn

You're right... I AM in control... but ugh! They call my name at 4 am! What the heck! Thanks for being late for me, Karyn! Jaci

Great plan Jaci you can do it. Support coming your way.

Thanks Carly!

Jaci, You could have taken alot of words right out of my mouth. I too have food addictions. My problems come mostly at night, when I am alone. I am a closet foodaholic. I do fine during the day, with the exception of the occasional diet pop. Then, when I get home, I can't stay away from food. Last night I HAD to have something to eat before bed. I ate some cereal. Mind you it was cereal I had eaten before and KNOW it makes me sick. I ate it anyway. As I lay there ready to go to sleep, I tell my DH that I feel sick. He says it's the cereal, why do you do that to yourself? Why DO I do it to myself? Jaci, you are doing the right thing by coming here to talk about it. We need each other so much because we can relate. Others don't or can't understand. They can love us and support us, but they still can't understand. It is going to be a constant battle and the head games are so hard to get past. Feel free to email me at any time! You can do this. Love Ya, Leeanne

Exactly. I KNOW the cookies and cakes make my blood sugar drop and I am sick with a hypoglycemic episode for hours... but yet, I HAVE to have them. UGH!!!

Jaci this is just to funny, Not funny ha ha but funny as in ironical. I was just getting ready to post a is it me or a phase post about the same thing. I understand all to well what you are talking about. I only have a couple three days till my one year check up and here I am sabotaging my weight loss. You can talk to me and I will claim the same in return. We all need to stand together and work together and support each other through this like we have everything else this last year since we all had WLS. Just rest assured that you are not alone and others are going through it as well and do understand. I think it is one of those things that if you haven't experienced it, you can't understand. Hazel

I think we are all in the same boat, with all of us rowing with just one oar going upstream!! Food addiction, oh I know it so well and its been tough trying to get my mind wrapped around things. What has worked for me is the thinking that I can't have one thing that is my trigger, one cookie leads me to the bag so I forego it altogether...I haven't had any of those goodies for over a year now and though it's been tough as nails, it has worked. Once you get it down girl, it will become habit but I have to say working at Jack's could never work for me cause that was my favorite fast food. As for therapy, you go to MJC still right? Well, you can check out their counseling there...and girl, it's free!!! I am going to make a counseling appt at Stanislaus for my own addiction and to help me with the mental part of the addiction. For now, do take your own food it works!! I take my own food everyday to work I do not deter from it, even when there's pizza, cakes, cookies so forth...I mean I work at Selma Herndon and you know how the teachers can be...eat eat eat!!! Anywho, take it one step at a time, remember to do things slowly and stick with it. Keep on hand SF candies for those urges that you have pop one in. Do drink tons of water, and if you feel the urge to head towards the kitchen...one thing I have on my refrigerator is a sign: Kelli why are you here, are you hungry, do you really need to eat right now??? When I see that sign, I often catch myself unknowingly being in the kitchen...just habit. Don't beat yourself up, we can be our own enemy!! You have done so well lately, and you will continue your journey...this is just an off-ramp that you've taken but there's another one to get you back on the main road to weight loss. Try to log what stresses you, and see what you can do to replace food. Best of luck to us all...because food addiction is I think the hardest to deal with out of all the addictions cause food is so easily found. Kelli

Jaci~ Thanks for posting this this and sharing your thoughts. I too am addicted to food. Food is my drug of choice. I didn't realize it til after surgery. I knew that I LOVED to eat but it's way more than that.. it's an addiction. Anyway, you are so not alone in this battle we love, support and understand you to the fullest! My next doctors appointment I'm going to ask her to refer me to a therapist about food addiction. I need to talk to someone. I feel it's gonna ruin me. At night, food calls my name. It's embarassing. I do so good all day then late at night, I just wanna snack. Nothing bad but still it's a bad habit. There are free groups out there. Overeaters annomonus (sp) (I know I cant spell but damn, I screwed that word up), groups/meetings within the hospitals. Start calling around... They are out there. For my 1 year check up, I mentioned it to my surgeon and he told me to go to wls support groups and hes the one that reccomended a therapist. He said, "Don't let it go untreated". OCD to food is exactly what he called it. Sorry if I made my responce sound like it's all about me but it's a struggle and it makes me feel at ease to know that I'm not the only one here with an addiction to food. Thanks again for posting! Remember we are here for you, girl! Love ya, Kay