My Confused Self-Image

So... I went to the store to buy some jeans, mind you I have only "purchased" one pair of jeans since surgery. My daughter has several sizes of jeans packed away from when she had lost weight that I had been wearing. The size I have been wearing was an 18. My husband hardly ever comments (good or bad) on what I wear, but the other night when we were out I was walking away from him and he says "you need some smaller jeans". So...I decide to give it a shot. I go to Fashion Bug and pick out a couple of pairs of 16's to try, I am thinking to myself, no way these will fit, just look at them. So, I go into the dressing room, waiting for failure when I try them on. Guess what, they fit. I bought one pair! I know to some of you 16 is still big, but I have not worn a 16 in 27 years. The smallest size I remember wearing EVER is a 13/14 when I was maybe 14. I was stoked! I still need to lose 60 lb.s and I can't imagine that it will happen. I can't even imagine buying any smaller sizes than I wear right now. Actually, I truely thought I would end up about an 18. My self image is so distorted, I don't know what I look like our want to look like. Is anyone else this confused? According to the charts I am still obese, and according to how I feel, I am still obese! There are days when that bums me out, then there are days I could totally live with where I am at. But I REALLY don't want to weigh over 200. I had said in the begining, I could be totally happy at 190, but then I decided to shoot for 160. I am 5'7" and would need to weigh 159 to be "normal". The lowest weight I can even remember weighing was 154 when I had went to weigh****chers when I was 14. I am soooo confused. I looke at everyone's pics and think how much thinner they look then I probably ever will. I find myself wishing I would have had this surgery sooner, maybe when I was younger and weighed a few pounds lighter I could have achieved a more normal weight. Am I the only one that is this screwed up? Sorry for the rambling and thanks for listening! Leeanne

Hey Leeanne, No you are definitely not alone. I have the same feelings as you. I am in sizes 18/20. Tops I can wear 14/16. I haven't been this size in 13 years when I first met my husband. I find myself looking at some people thinking how good they are looking and I feel like I have failed sometimes, but then I think of where I've come from. Then I realized that I'm blessed to have lost what I have and it gives me motive to go further, but the cravings are killing me. So to make a long ramble shorter, you are not by yourself. I guess that means I'm screwed up to!! Octavia

Thanks Octavia, you made me feel better! I have trouble with head hunger and cravings as well. I guess we probably always will have to fight those demons! Leeanne

Leeanne and Octavia, Add me to the "screwed up self image" support group. I'm still clinically obese at a BMI of 31.1 but I'm thinner than I've ever been since 9th grade. I'm wearing a size 12 to 16 (or a Large) depending on the cut and have begun sharing shirts with my 15 year old daughter. (She, by the way, usually wears a Med or an 8.) Yet the woman I see in the mirror is "Large and in charge". KWIM? I've been debating what to do, where to go from here for about 6 weeks. Incidentally the same length as my current plateau. I wonder if I would feel differently if I'd ever been thin as a teen or an adult. I've been fat all my life. Leeanne, don't ever feel you have to apologize to us for "rambling", we're here for you to lean on. (I promise I won't break into song) RobinNJ

Thanks Robin for sharing! And by the way, I did break into song! Leeanne

Hey Leeanee, I know the feeling about buying clothes, I tried to stick with buying just one pair of jeans but now I have like 6 in my closet. I think about 4 of them are already to loose on me, but I have to wear them till I can get down another 30lbs, before I go buying more jeans. I have 50lbs to go but I figure every 20-30lbs I'll buy some new jeans. Don't ya just love Fashion Bug??? I live like only 1/2 a mile from the one in our town, I think it has a tractor beam calling me in every time they have a sale!!! I like Lane Bryant as well, but they are a bit pricey at times. I know I need to buy some more professional clothes though as I am going to prepare to substitute teach next year. Anywho, enjoy those new pair of jeans and flaunt that stuff girlfriend!!!! Kelli

I'm right there with you Leeanne I put on a pair of size 18 pants to wear just before the New Year. My sister, brother and I were going to visit an Aunt of ours. I came out and they both started to laugh. They said I could put "another person" in those pants with me. The next day I went shopping with my sister and bought some jeans in a size 14! I also have not been in that size since I was about 13. Now mind you on top I'm still a 1X or sometimes an XL. I am your topical apple shape. I carry all my weight up top but have really skinny legs and no hips or butt at all. I am hopeful that someday my brain will catch up and I will be able to see the "real me."

Well Leeanne, Octavia, and Robin add me to the list. I too have a bad body image and am just as confused. I don't think it matters what size we get to, because I can wear anything from a large-small top depending on style to a 10-4 jean. I made a comment to my family about feeling fat and my son asked my husband why do skinny women/pretty women say they are fat/ugly. My hiusbands reply was it is a women's way to get a compliment. I had to argue that because I was not looking for a compliment but sometimes I look in the mirror(dressed or undressed) and see myself very fat, other times I can look in the mirror and think wow I have lost alot.(always dressed). Anyway I do think it is a head thing and we need to get out of that I just do not know how. My friend came over and was comparing pitures of my heaviest and now.... and she said "what do you see when you look at these pictures?" I said well I look older....My skin is wrinkly and I need to lose more at my stomach(roll)and my neck and face are too skinny and I am getting sunken eyes. Her response was "you just picked and critiszed yourself the entire time. Not once did you say I came a long way.. I guess my point is the body image is hard to see in the correct light. I guess most of us are in the same boat. ~~hugs and well wishes~~ Chris

Count myself in the 'screwed up' group as well. I honestly think that the process is 'backward'. I don't think we need the psychological testing before the surgery but AFTER. I think for us who have had a lifetime of obesity, fat jokes, teasing, etc. we have incredible low self esteem issues and as we have said before, the surgery is on your stomach not our brains. I don't have the answer either - I just know that I am suffering from the same 'screwed-up ness' as you, Leeanne and others. Rose from PA

I am right there with all of you in the confused self image club. Its the week of my surgiversary (11th) and I am beating myself up that I've not lost any weight in 3 months and feel like a complete failure. Having said that, I have to take pride in the 90 lbs I have lost and what I have achieved - if I had not done this I'd likely be over 300 lbs right now. I could wear a 12 if it weren't for my tummy. I see myself getting leaner and some clothes getting bigger but am soooo angry that the numbers are not changing. And since I am so close to 200 I am totally anxious that I'll go over that threshold once again. Ultimately this has all pushed me to exercise more which is probably the missing component. I completely understand what you and the others are going thru. Hugs, Tiffany