Mixed Emotions

Today my weight is 188. I am down 107.6 pounds from surgery! Amazing! I really am proud of myself. ...but... I recently got my height and weight records from when I was a child, up til 14 years old. I weighed 188 pounds exactly at my 14 year physical to go to high school. And that's where the...sadness? I think that's the emotion...sadness for that 14 year old girl comes in. I remember having to special order my uniform skirt because they didn't have one that me...it had elastic in the waist band...no one else's did. High school was a hard time socially...I had a terrific group of girlfriends, but I never went on a date or to a dance. I wish that girl could feel the joy of being 188 instead of the pain of being 188. And I wish that I had stopped the downward spiral then rather than waiting 22 years. Those 22 years would have been so different...so much happier. It's a weird mixed emotion day for me. 188 feels different this time...I feel cute, I like the clothes I can wear...and maybe, soon, some man will think I'm the cat's pajamas too. Jen

I can understand your feelings. That is such a hard time for a girl and to be large was even harder. I am reaching for my size to be what I was when I started high school. That was the smallest I remember ever being. I went on Atkins that summer and wore a size 10 to school that year. But I didn't know I was thin and put weight on for the next 4 years. But looking back, I know I was never that big back then and was even thin. So now I promise myself to see what I really look like and to pay attention so I don't put the weight back on. I didn't even know I was doing it. Just figured the clothes had worn out, not that they were too small. I hope you reach a weight soon that you can celebrate. It is really a wonderful thing to feel good about yourself and to not live with the pain of the past. Huggzz!!

I feel the same emotions...It is sad to think back and see how much we didn't like ourselves because of our weight....This surgery has given me so much more than weight loss. I actually feel good for the first time in my life. I love to look in the mirror...not because I am vain (I still feel inadequate) but because I like the way I feel in my new body...I have NEVER felt this way.... And I love the clothes I can wear to... Congrats on the weight loss.... ~~hugs and well wishes~~ Chris

Hi Jen! You've done incredibly well! I have surpassed my entrance weight into high school and lemme tell you... its crazy. I am the smallest I ever remember (214) and don't know how I lived with myself all those years... I just ballooned. I know I have mixed emotions daily on what I did in the past, what I'm doing now, and what about the future??? Its still fairly scary. Don't worry your cat fancier will be here soon

I hope you get to being a little happier. You're doing great on your weight loss. You will meet Mr. Right before long! Karla

Hi Jen---- I am 188 as well---it's lovely to be well under 200, isn't it? I can really, really relate with your mixed feelings--you expressed them so well. I remember, too, being overweight in HS and all the guys calling me to ask about my beautiful friends (all my friends were gorgeous and popular-- I was the funny fat girl who was every guy's best friend--well liked and confided in, but no dating for me--nobody asked... ) Like you, I look back and wish I could have had a little more confidence (in truth I wasn't as fat as I thought I was)!!! I loved this post--thank you so much Cathy

Jen, I would hope that, thinking back on that 14 year old girl, you could appreciate how much you have accomplished even more. It's difficult not to dwell on regrets - but, the more time you spend staring at the past, the more time you spend with your back toward the future. I vote for the joy of being 188. And if it's any consolation... I think you're the bee's knees. If only I weren't happily married and 2000 miles away. Be Well, A.J.

...as always...you are good for my ego! Jen

Thank you all for your positive responses...I'm really not dwelling ...just...reflecting...I think that sometimes, to move forward, you must consider the past. Jen

Hi Jen, You look fantastic and have done really well! What a difference in how we felt when we were that age and now. It's hard to go back to those emotions but look at it this way, I was slim in high school but feel the pain of being socially shy, not having dates or being popular. That was a handicap in itself even with a thin body! So what we feel now is so much better than what we felt then. Karen S.