Eight Month Surgiversary Ramblings ... LoNg
First off, happy surgiversary Carly!!! We have been through so much!!!
I know I posted an update to my profile yesterday morning... but I just have the urge to ramble on some more... I sure hope you don't mind.
Yesterday I took the time to reread my entire profile... something I encourage you all to do- um not my profile, yours 
I see so much change in my thinking, in my daily routine, in myself physically and mentally.... I can't believe its happened in only 8 short months. Where the heck did August go!?
Before considering surgery, I was miserable. Ya know, I've tried to commit suicide more than once? Something always called me back and I know now, that God has a plan for me... I don't know what it is, but obviously I have some work to do in the future it wasn't my time. I felt alone in the world... like no one would notice if I just disappeared... just passed away like nothing and thrown to the side like garbage. Before surgery I was the jolly chubby girl who always had a smile on her face and a laugh ready to choke out. But that was on the outside- inside I was the completl opposite... yet I felt ashamed of that feeling. I mean, come on... I was lucky to have two parents living together NOT divorced, all those rabbits, a vehicle... I had it good and there I was all gloomy and suicidal when I had it better than other people. I was active in FFA and my Music... but those were passions and I was able to push my insecurities away for the short time I needed to to particpate in the events... while showing my sheep I would sweat and turn as red as a tomato... even if it was freezing in the arena! Sheep showing was tremendous work for my huge body and I could never get to the top of the class because of the way I fidgeted- wiping my brow, the upper lip, the sweat from under the chin.... gross! In musical performances, it was a bit better, but I was always in the back since I played Tuba... I was one of the guys...
I've talked about food before- as a pre-op I could eat at McDonald's on a average 3-4 times a DAY! My typical Mickey D menu was in the am I'd get 2 Sausage Egg McMuffins with Cheese, the hashbrown and large diet coke... always diet, who was I kidding? When it was on special, sometimes I'd super size and get an extra hashbrown and the large drink would add another 8 ounces of carbonation. Lunch would include 2 Double Cheeseburgers, Large Fries, Large Diet Coke. On the way home from somewhere- two more double cheeseburgers! Then if I was out late.... another 2 doubles! Gosh, when they had the .39 cheeseburgers on Wednesday and Sunday I could eat anywhere from 10-20 in a SITTING depending on what I ate that day! Don't get me started on Home Town Buffet! My philosphy... the more trips you take, the cheaper per plate your dinner is... so 12.00 bucks divided by 2, divided by 3...4...5...6... dessert... more dessert, can't get enough of the bread pudding. As I'm writing this I am absolutely disgusted with myself! I can't believe I binged and binged and NEVER got sick! I just ballooned. I could eat a whole large pepperoni pizza PLUS cheese breadsticks. Whoa, crazy!
I didn't exercise. I felt the daily feedings and care of my rabbits would suffice as exercise since I'd come in all sweaty. I had to take a break after 1 hour of dumping trays cuz I hurt so much! My legs ached, my back had spasms... At work, I'd practically BEG to take my break exactly on 2 hour intervals... So depressing.
As a pre-op I NEVER saw marriage, kids, white picket fence, let alone a boyfriend in my future. Guys just didn't see me more that the goofy fat girl....
**************************************************************
Now, eight months later I feel like a brand new person physically. The Jaci that was squelched down in the fat is still here... she's just more powerful.
I NO LONGER want to commit suicide or be invisible (but what great super power)... Of course I get in my funks, but they last for a very short time. I am definately the happiest I've ever been right now!
I eat to live (as the saying goes), although today I have just eaten whatever... i know... 
I drink water, iced tea and crystal light like they're going out of style... Yes, I enjoy the occasional Pepsi Jazz... but I don't crave soda like I did before. Geeze I think I'd drink 100 oz of soda by itself in a day! I now get anywhere from 50 to 120 ounces of good liquids in a day... yes its a struggle some times, but I'm not discouraged. I enjoy food still, but I see it as a source of fuel/nutrition... I need to eat to be able to keep up in the new amazing life I have. So I always carry protein bars with me now. I'm at school and I have an ice chest in the Cruiser filled with water and protein bars.... don't need to be run down in a History class! I can't lie, I still dream fo the day I can have a double cheeseburger or bread pudding... but those are in my sleep and I wake up and tell myself dude, those got you here! But yes, they were sooo yummy. So now if I crave a double cheeseburger, I usually know I need some animal protein... this soy and chicken stuff is kinda borning. So I just order a Jumbo Patty at Jack, throw on a piece of American Cheese, 3 packets of ketchup to dip into and bam! Beef Craving is done for another week or two lol. But man, the smell of beef on the grill- NOTHING BETTER! 
I can show my sheep with ease now and not sweat all over the poor animal's head! My spherical self got in the way of correctly showing the animal to its fullest potential and now I can get up on the animal and make the muscles pop like the champion I know it is. That, I think is one of my biggest accomplishments... not dieing in the showring! I haven't been to a California rabbit show in months and am a bit nervous about what kind of reaction I'll get if any at all! I guess I'll let you know next week! I can dump rabbit trays wash them out and return them to the bunny, feed the rabbits AND water them without getting completely exhausted and worn out! I can go hours without needing a break at work- heck I can probably go all day long if I had to!
I think I'm a better musician because I've lost the weight. I take deeper breaths, I have better posture, I'm stronger, I'm more confident in my playing. If I mess up, heck I do it loud and proud, baby! No wimpy notes from me, anymore! I can't wait to compete in solo competitions now. There are so few women who play the tuba, let alone those who want to make it their career... I just want to get out there and play! Make a name for myself... the "chick with the tuba" instead of the "chubby FFA girl".
And I think the best thing of all... I'm in Love! 
Yes, I admit lol... After only two short months yours truly is in love Eight months ago I would never have thought I'd be in love let alone have an awesome boyfriend who simply adores me for ME. He compliments me, he buys me gifts, he says sweet random things that make me go hmm, whenever he touches me I get butterflies... but dudes and dudettes, he makes me feel beautiful, special... amazing. I don't see wedding bells or little kiddos in the near future, lol, so you keep that Vera Wang comment to yourself, but I know now that that is a possibility in the future for me! I know that I can be desirable to someone and that, to me, is just amazing... and a total head trip. 
**************************************************************
Don't get my long post wrong... this journey hasn't been all peaches and yogurt for me. I have had numerous bad days, breakdowns, many wagon fallings and even why me moments... but I see tomorrow as a new day and I'm learning to go with the flow. I am a HUGE control freak. I plan everything out... when we go on trips, I make binders with hotel info, maps, route info, trip info, numbers, etc etc... I love knowing every aspect of the way what will happen. Well, this journey is teaching me to let go of the control. I am soooo scared of the lack of control... but I'm going with it. I have to.... Huge insecure Jaci had to have control to keep everything "perfect"- everything is perfectly perfect now and I just need to flow, jo...
I have my insecurities still... I've lost 180 pounds in eight months and my skin doesn't just snap back like a rubber band. I have horrible excess skin on my thighs, arms, belly, a nasty apron, ad my breasts don't resemble breasts lol (at least those of a 22 year old). I actually lifted the skin on my thighs away and looked at my legs... they wouldn't touch at all if that skin was gone! How awesome! I am definately planning on plastic surgery. I am not doing it all in vanity. Yeah, I wanna have the gorgeous 20 something body... but I want to be healthy too and I don't think the excess skin would be good for my health... physically and hygeinically lol. So a lower lift is definately in my plans along with a bracheoplasty (arms) and the vain part- breast augmentation.... more than likely just a lift. I don't want implants, but... you never know!
I am 38 pounds from my doctor's goal of 175 pounds and have lost 95 1/2 inches along with the 180 pounds. After Plastic Surgery, I might even get down to *gasp* 160/150 pounds... that would be so freaking weird since all I've seen are weights about 250 all my life! I have NO idea what I'm going to look like at goal, but to be honest with you... I like what I see in the mirror now and hope it only gets better. Heck, if I stopped losing now, at 213, I'd be super happy with myself. I can wear XL in most missy clothes and depending on cut and style anywhere from 14-18 in pants/shorts.
Ok, I'm going to stop rambling on and on and give your eyes a break. Thanks for reading and enjoy your Wednesday!!!!!
*~*Jaci*~*
I see so much change in my thinking, in my daily routine, in myself physically and mentally.... I can't believe its happened in only 8 short months. Where the heck did August go!?
Before considering surgery, I was miserable. Ya know, I've tried to commit suicide more than once? Something always called me back and I know now, that God has a plan for me... I don't know what it is, but obviously I have some work to do in the future it wasn't my time. I felt alone in the world... like no one would notice if I just disappeared... just passed away like nothing and thrown to the side like garbage. Before surgery I was the jolly chubby girl who always had a smile on her face and a laugh ready to choke out. But that was on the outside- inside I was the completl opposite... yet I felt ashamed of that feeling. I mean, come on... I was lucky to have two parents living together NOT divorced, all those rabbits, a vehicle... I had it good and there I was all gloomy and suicidal when I had it better than other people. I was active in FFA and my Music... but those were passions and I was able to push my insecurities away for the short time I needed to to particpate in the events... while showing my sheep I would sweat and turn as red as a tomato... even if it was freezing in the arena! Sheep showing was tremendous work for my huge body and I could never get to the top of the class because of the way I fidgeted- wiping my brow, the upper lip, the sweat from under the chin.... gross! In musical performances, it was a bit better, but I was always in the back since I played Tuba... I was one of the guys...
I've talked about food before- as a pre-op I could eat at McDonald's on a average 3-4 times a DAY! My typical Mickey D menu was in the am I'd get 2 Sausage Egg McMuffins with Cheese, the hashbrown and large diet coke... always diet, who was I kidding? When it was on special, sometimes I'd super size and get an extra hashbrown and the large drink would add another 8 ounces of carbonation. Lunch would include 2 Double Cheeseburgers, Large Fries, Large Diet Coke. On the way home from somewhere- two more double cheeseburgers! Then if I was out late.... another 2 doubles! Gosh, when they had the .39 cheeseburgers on Wednesday and Sunday I could eat anywhere from 10-20 in a SITTING depending on what I ate that day! Don't get me started on Home Town Buffet! My philosphy... the more trips you take, the cheaper per plate your dinner is... so 12.00 bucks divided by 2, divided by 3...4...5...6... dessert... more dessert, can't get enough of the bread pudding. As I'm writing this I am absolutely disgusted with myself! I can't believe I binged and binged and NEVER got sick! I just ballooned. I could eat a whole large pepperoni pizza PLUS cheese breadsticks. Whoa, crazy!
I didn't exercise. I felt the daily feedings and care of my rabbits would suffice as exercise since I'd come in all sweaty. I had to take a break after 1 hour of dumping trays cuz I hurt so much! My legs ached, my back had spasms... At work, I'd practically BEG to take my break exactly on 2 hour intervals... So depressing.
As a pre-op I NEVER saw marriage, kids, white picket fence, let alone a boyfriend in my future. Guys just didn't see me more that the goofy fat girl....
**************************************************************
Now, eight months later I feel like a brand new person physically. The Jaci that was squelched down in the fat is still here... she's just more powerful.
I NO LONGER want to commit suicide or be invisible (but what great super power)... Of course I get in my funks, but they last for a very short time. I am definately the happiest I've ever been right now!
I eat to live (as the saying goes), although today I have just eaten whatever... i know... I drink water, iced tea and crystal light like they're going out of style... Yes, I enjoy the occasional Pepsi Jazz... but I don't crave soda like I did before. Geeze I think I'd drink 100 oz of soda by itself in a day! I now get anywhere from 50 to 120 ounces of good liquids in a day... yes its a struggle some times, but I'm not discouraged. I enjoy food still, but I see it as a source of fuel/nutrition... I need to eat to be able to keep up in the new amazing life I have. So I always carry protein bars with me now. I'm at school and I have an ice chest in the Cruiser filled with water and protein bars.... don't need to be run down in a History class! I can't lie, I still dream fo the day I can have a double cheeseburger or bread pudding... but those are in my sleep and I wake up and tell myself dude, those got you here! But yes, they were sooo yummy. So now if I crave a double cheeseburger, I usually know I need some animal protein... this soy and chicken stuff is kinda borning. So I just order a Jumbo Patty at Jack, throw on a piece of American Cheese, 3 packets of ketchup to dip into and bam! Beef Craving is done for another week or two lol. But man, the smell of beef on the grill- NOTHING BETTER!
I can show my sheep with ease now and not sweat all over the poor animal's head! My spherical self got in the way of correctly showing the animal to its fullest potential and now I can get up on the animal and make the muscles pop like the champion I know it is. That, I think is one of my biggest accomplishments... not dieing in the showring! I haven't been to a California rabbit show in months and am a bit nervous about what kind of reaction I'll get if any at all! I guess I'll let you know next week! I can dump rabbit trays wash them out and return them to the bunny, feed the rabbits AND water them without getting completely exhausted and worn out! I can go hours without needing a break at work- heck I can probably go all day long if I had to!
I think I'm a better musician because I've lost the weight. I take deeper breaths, I have better posture, I'm stronger, I'm more confident in my playing. If I mess up, heck I do it loud and proud, baby! No wimpy notes from me, anymore! I can't wait to compete in solo competitions now. There are so few women who play the tuba, let alone those who want to make it their career... I just want to get out there and play! Make a name for myself... the "chick with the tuba" instead of the "chubby FFA girl".
And I think the best thing of all... I'm in Love! Yes, I admit lol... After only two short months yours truly is in love Eight months ago I would never have thought I'd be in love let alone have an awesome boyfriend who simply adores me for ME. He compliments me, he buys me gifts, he says sweet random things that make me go hmm, whenever he touches me I get butterflies... but dudes and dudettes, he makes me feel beautiful, special... amazing. I don't see wedding bells or little kiddos in the near future, lol, so you keep that Vera Wang comment to yourself, but I know now that that is a possibility in the future for me! I know that I can be desirable to someone and that, to me, is just amazing... and a total head trip.
**************************************************************
Don't get my long post wrong... this journey hasn't been all peaches and yogurt for me. I have had numerous bad days, breakdowns, many wagon fallings and even why me moments... but I see tomorrow as a new day and I'm learning to go with the flow. I am a HUGE control freak. I plan everything out... when we go on trips, I make binders with hotel info, maps, route info, trip info, numbers, etc etc... I love knowing every aspect of the way what will happen. Well, this journey is teaching me to let go of the control. I am soooo scared of the lack of control... but I'm going with it. I have to.... Huge insecure Jaci had to have control to keep everything "perfect"- everything is perfectly perfect now and I just need to flow, jo...
I have my insecurities still... I've lost 180 pounds in eight months and my skin doesn't just snap back like a rubber band. I have horrible excess skin on my thighs, arms, belly, a nasty apron, ad my breasts don't resemble breasts lol (at least those of a 22 year old). I actually lifted the skin on my thighs away and looked at my legs... they wouldn't touch at all if that skin was gone! How awesome! I am definately planning on plastic surgery. I am not doing it all in vanity. Yeah, I wanna have the gorgeous 20 something body... but I want to be healthy too and I don't think the excess skin would be good for my health... physically and hygeinically lol. So a lower lift is definately in my plans along with a bracheoplasty (arms) and the vain part- breast augmentation.... more than likely just a lift. I don't want implants, but... you never know!
I am 38 pounds from my doctor's goal of 175 pounds and have lost 95 1/2 inches along with the 180 pounds. After Plastic Surgery, I might even get down to *gasp* 160/150 pounds... that would be so freaking weird since all I've seen are weights about 250 all my life! I have NO idea what I'm going to look like at goal, but to be honest with you... I like what I see in the mirror now and hope it only gets better. Heck, if I stopped losing now, at 213, I'd be super happy with myself. I can wear XL in most missy clothes and depending on cut and style anywhere from 14-18 in pants/shorts.
Ok, I'm going to stop rambling on and on and give your eyes a break. Thanks for reading and enjoy your Wednesday!!!!!
*~*Jaci*~* 
I've been waiting for Amber... there goes my control thing lol! I am hoping to book soon!! 
wow Jaci, that was really great to read...it made me feel like I am not alone, although I KNOW I am not, sometimes i feel like I am. I can relate to most of what you wrote, and who woulda thought, another control freak out there! I would be interested to see how many of us are or were control freaks.... I think that is what got us here. I was just talking to my sister about this the other day, how this surgery has released me from some of that, i no longer HAVE to be in control of EVERYTHING to be happy, what a great feeling! Congrats on your success and new life, I for one am so happy you are here with us to share all of your journey. Love ya girl!
Karyn
Karyn Oh yes, Karyn. My name is Jaci and I am a control freak. I had to be in charge of EVERYTHING so I knew exactly what was going and make the big decisions. I am now learning I can let go and oh my gosh, I actually am happier if I am not stretched in 30 different ways each day... amazing! lol
Love you too!!
I had to be in charge of EVERYTHING so I knew exactly what was going and make the big decisions. I am now learning I can let go and oh my gosh, I actually am happier if I am not stretched in 30 different ways each day... amazing! lol
Love you too!! 
You've come a long way, keep up the hard work. 
Good morning, Girl!
This was, perhaps, the best post I have read on this board. It said so much of how all of us probably felt at one point or another.
Although I have never felt suicidal, I have suffered from horrible depression for almost half my life. It is a miserable road, isn't it? And, right, although not everything is peaches and cream now, things are *so much better!*
This surgery was nothing short of a gift!
I am sooooo happy for you, Jaci (you know, I know your name is probably pronounced "Jackie" but I always read it as "Jay-cee" and if I ever meet you, I hope you will let me call you as such!). You have an incredible light and spirit in you!
Thanks so much for this post...I was very sleepy and blah today but feel so much more uplifted now!
Have a WONDERFUL day!
Love and hugs,
Jersey
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