Lots of changes...

Hi everyone I've been dealing with ALOT of changes within myself. I'm learning who I am which is very scary but also exciting. The old me who hid behind a wall for years is tearing down the wall and that person is totally different. The big issue I have is now I'm not happy with my life..maybe that isn't the right way to put it, but I'm not satisfied with where I'm at and want some major changes...I need some excitement as it's been years since I've had that feeling. I want to go dancing, which I've not done in years. I know there's nothing wrong with any of that. It's time to enjoy life. The problem though is now I am not happy in my marriage. I don't want to be around hubby at all. I feel trapped and just miserable. I don't get it. He's such a great man and has been so good to me, treats me right, took care of me when I needed him too and never once complained, so why am I not happy with him? I find him to be boring and shows no passion or excitement for life. All he wants to do is watch movies at home. That was fine when I was hiding behind the wall but now I don't want to sit home. When I think of fun things to do I don't want him with me. I want someone else who shares excitement etc. I am going to therapy but I wanted to know is anyone else at all struggling with this? I've hurt him so much with who I'm becoming. I'm just not the women he married and I don't think she's coming back...she's gone for good. I never in a million years that I would be at this point. I didn't think by having WLS would've done anything other than me becoming healthy and happier with myself. Thanks for listening and would love to hear what you all have to say. P.S I'm so proud of everyone's successes! Deanna

hey Deanna First of all I want to say how proud I am of your weight loss. You have done really well. As far as advice I am not really sure what the best advice is to give you. I am married as well to a wonderful man and yes since I have lost a bunch of weight I notice that my spice for life does not match my husband, but I love him no matter what. I am not interested in anyone else. He is my best friend and he has been there for me when no one else was. He does like to stay home alot but I like to go out. We learned to compromise and he would do something that I want to do in turn for me staying in with him one night if that is what he wants. Have you tried talking to your DH about this?? Explaining to him that maybe one night you two could go out dancing?? Make it a date night maybe that would be exciting. You are essentially the same person he married you just have alot more self esteem and get up and go than you had before. Just communicate is that best advice I think I can give you. Let him know your feelings and be up front. I hope that helps. Suzanne 300/180/150

Thanks so much Suzanne for responding! Yes DH and I have talked in great detail about this. I've told him the things I want to do like dancing and he just says no. That he can't dance and isn't interested. My therpaist cant understand why he isn't at least willing to try new things with me. He is a great listener and he knows exactly how I feel but we re basically stuck at this time. Time and more therapy will tell us what we need to do. Thanks again for the advice and I'm so happy that you've lost so much weight and that your happy with where your at with DH! Deanna 350/232/150

Hi Deanna, I've been married to the same wonderful guy for almost 20yrs, I find myself changing a lot as well but I do not expect my WONDERFUL husband to change one bit. Many women search the world over for a wonderful soulmate and never find him, how lucky we are! I know that you said you were going through therapy which I commend you for doing but have you sat down with your pastor/priest and confided in him? Now, I didn't mention my husband's complaint about me? He said that I've become very short and intolerant of most people and things, I'm trying to work through this with his help. I thank God that he could be so honest with me, I believe that opening the line of communication is the key to happy and healthy marriage. I'll pray that all goes well for you. I wish you all the luck. Be safe PS Remember "the grass is always greener on the other side until you get there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take care, Syndi

Hi Syndi, Thanks for listening and you advice!! It really means alot. I agree communication is extremely important and we've been able to be open and honest about how we feel. But even with therapy we aren't getting anywhere. Thanks again for listening and for your advice! Deanna

You know I have read a lot of statements from ppl on boards that are having similar feelings. What I have wondered is a lot of women settle for a man because they are insecure due to weight, and now that ppl are loosing weight that they feel more confident about themselves, and feel they could do better. Now I am not saying that is you, but I have seen it alot. I wish you all the luck. Take care, Kimberly King

Hi Kim Thanks for the feedback and thanks for the kind words I appreciate it! Deanna

This is a very very common thing... My MIL asked me right before I had the surgery if when I lost all my weight would I leave Jeff for another man... I was so hurt by it because I would never leave my DH. We work together to work things out and we vowed to never settle for divorce. I wonder what the percentage is of us that have had WLS that actually get divorced afterwards because of the feelings that we have and the confidence that we get. Suzanne 300/180/150

Hi Suzanne, It does appear to be more common than I had realized. Very sad. I can't believe your MIL asked that. I can imagine how hurt you must've been. I talked to my surgeon about this..feeling shocked at my own feelings..and he said that this does happen. That with the wls the real us comes out of hiding and after being behind a wall we want to get out and enjoy life. Alot of the men have trouble adapting to such change and also alot of jealousy when the hubby sees his wife getting attention. It's not easy for either one. Take care and thanks for replying Deanna

Oh Deanna--- I can understand your feelings. I had the same feelings about my husband a few years ago with just reversed roles. He had a zest for life and I wanted to hide. For years he bowed down to my need to stay hidden and I fear everyday that he would leave me. After he returned from overseas duty I thought that he was going to b/c he acted differently. So we talked about it and he admitted the same feelings you are having now. So I did my best to try to step up my level of activity with him. I was physically incapable of going and doing the things that he wanted to do with me so I just went and watched (like paintball) but at least it was an effort. Then we both sought couseling through a spiritual advisor. Now after my surgery, I am bouncing around trying all sorts of new things! It has taken him as a bit of a shock but he is slowly adapting. What I have found that has helped me is #1 talking to an outsider, #2 talking to him. Together we have learned to adapt to all the new changes. It has definitly been an adventure. I know it is not much but I HTH! Brightest Blessings for a Wonderful Day~ Jamie M. aka Lady Autumn Weight- 257/158/146 BMI- 44.1/27.1/25 Height- 5'4" Total Weight Loss: -99 lbs. Surgery Date- 1/19/05 Visit my OH profile or stop by My Weight Loss Journey Website at: home.bellsouth.net/p/PWP-LadyAutumnsWLSjourney Visit my Live Journal at: livejournal.com/users/magickalmom