Am I Just Making Excuses???

So never really thought I used food as comfort, but I realize now, that I must have. My mother was killed in an auto accident on July 9, 2004, 5 days before I was going to see her. She lives several states away from me and I had not seen her in over a year. More importantly, she hadnt seen me since I had surgery. We were both soo excited about seeing each other. She had always been so worried about my weight...worried for my health and since she was wheelchair bound after having suffered a couple of strokes about 10 years ago, there was no way for her to be with me at the time of my surgery..which was a cause of much distress for her. My father was obese and he died from heart problems at the age of 52 (I was 13) and she was very concerned I would die young too. In fact she was sure that she would outlive me if I didnt lose weight.. which I have to admit was my primary motivation for having this surgery in the first place. We all go thru life wanting our parents approval. We want them to be proud of us. I have made my share of mistakes in my life..I have disappointed her and me with some of the dumb choices I have made. This was one of those moments that would be a shining moment for me..for me to be proud and for her to be proud of me! I could hardly wait to see her face when she saw me. I knew that approval and pride as well as her unconditional love would be shining in her eyes, but I never got the chance to see that and now I never will. I didnt realize how much her approval had been motivating me all along. Most days I do ok..but I find myself comforting myself with snacking when I start to get choked up with grief. Heres the deal... my weight loss is at a standstill..in fact I have even lost a bit of ground. I was down to 174 in September (docs goal is 160)and now I am 182 AGAIN! I am so mad at myself I could spit. I have been one of the lucky (OR UNLUCKY..DEPENDING ON YOUR PERSPECTIVE) ones who has lost weight no matter what I have been eating. Sadly, sugar does not make me sick..now fat in any quantity does, but not sugar. I am able to eat more now without that "OMG" tight, uncomfortable feeling in my pouch. And that has me worried as well...have I stretched my pouch??? I sure hope not. I cant seem to get up off my keester and exercise either. The only exercise I am getting is shopping...well, I cant go around naked now can I?? So I walk the malls and stores, but other than that..exercise is non-existent. I need to get back on track and need some advice from all of you who are at the same place in your journey as me. I need some encouragement and suggestions. And to be honest I think I just needed to write all this out...confront how much my grief is effecting me. Thanks so much for reading and listening to me. Remember to love your friends and family. Make time for them..tell them you love them every chance you get!!..they can be gone in an instant!! Hugs to all of you!!! Harriet 304/182/160

Dear Harriet, I'm so sorry for your loss....I too wish my parents were here to see that my decades long weight issues are starting to turn around. Allow yourself time to grieve. It's good that you recognize your emotional/stress eating, but don't be too hard on yourself. spend time with friends and keep busy. Remeber to drink your water, as that will fill you up a bit. Take care, email me if you need a shoulder...~Hugs~Jerrie

Hi Harriet, My god girl, I am so sorry~May the comfort of friends and family be with you in your time of need. Maybe you should see a professional, just to talk to, or just keep writing on this message board and we will listen! Im sure your Mother is proud of you, she is looking down at you, although it is such a great loss to you and your family, there is no more pain for her, that she may have endured while being ill. She will be with you always, the pain will subside in time, You will never forget her and she will never forget you..... God Bless Jeannie

Harriet, What an awful thing to go through at all~ let alone days before you were going to see her. I can't even imagine the amount of grief you are experiencing. May I make a suggestion? (take as you will) Have you thought of grief counseling? Most hospitals or Hospice centers affer it for free - check your local paper for listings. Also - there are great therapists that specialize in grief counseling. If your insurance paid for your surgery, it will undoubtedly pay for your therapist visits. Take advantage of it honey! Also - your mother is very proud of you. I'm not sure of your beliefs, and you didn't mention them, but I am a true believer of God & heaven. She is up there right now - and is looking down on you - just beaming at seeing the results of your weight loss. She would be sad to know that her death might cause you a stumbling block. Take comfort in the fact that she is behind you 100% and always will be... God is with you, she is with you & she is happy now that she is reunited with her husband of so many years. Rejoice in that fact & continue to make her proud by getting on track with the rules. Take it slow - get back into the program at your pace. It is very important to allow yourself to grieve. And as much as it doesn't even seem possible at this time, you will get through it. Each day will be a tiny bit easier until you realize that only the happier memories are in your thoughts. God bless you Harriet, You have a ton of support here. She is so very proud of you - not to worry. Barbie 281.195.170ish

Harriet, I am so sorry for your loss. I cant even imagine not seeing my mom and her apporoval of the new me . But I am sure whereever she is That She Is Proud of you for who you are and the decisions you have made to better your life! She sees you now and approves of you as she always has Im sure.. I think we all have our demons with food and we are starting to slow down with our weight loss. The best thing I can tell you is drink your water religiosly and increase your protein. Try and exercise But dont give up on life im sure your mom wouldnt have wanted that.. Also know you have the support of your peers and your friends..Email if you ever need to talk but dont give up

((((((Harriet))))))))))) I want you to know we all love you and You can and will get back on track because your mom is watching over you like an angel and she wants to see you at goal sister so keep the faith and shake off the sadness and move forward for you and mostly for your mom, your angel.