Uncoupling: Separating Food And Emotions
December 7, 2012I can remember the excitement, the butterflies in my tummy at the thought of my Saturday afternoon treat with Grandma. It didn't happen every weekend, more like few and far between, but that made it even more special, and I was always filled with anticipation at the thought. The reasons for our outings together were quite varied.
Often they were celebratory events other times commiserative sessions, but always fun, fulfilling, and gratifying. I still recall fondly how I felt as I pulled the door to the ice cream shop and the sound of the tinkling of the bells on the door as we entered. We always sat at the counter with my short little girl legs dangling from the stool. I loved to pick the corner stool; it gave me more room to spin. Grandma always told me not to and I always did it anyway while she pretended not to notice. Without exception, we ordered the same thing, a chocolate shake with whip cream and a cherry on top for me. Grandma got a malt. We would sit and sip and spin and chat. Whether we had come to the shop for happy or sad events in my life, it was all good. It was a taste of sweet and the attention and comfort of Grandma all to myself. No having to share with my sisters or parents; neither my milkshake, nor my time with Grandma.
We would talk about me, my dreams large and small, my problems, and my accomplishments. I can't remember the last time we went, I would have savored it even more if I had known that it was the last time. Grandma got old, frail and is now a pleasant memory to me all wrapped up in a chocolate milkshake with a cherry on top. It remains my feel-good beverage of choice. One sip and I am flooded with memories and the security that only Grandma's presence brought me.
As I sit here in my car slumped down in the driver's seat sipping on my milkshake, I wonder why. Why am I ashamed and hiding in my car with a milkshake and why did I get it in the first place? Grandma has been dead for over 20 years now. I had a bad day at work and I hit the ice cream store on the way home before dinner...
Susan's story is not unique. In fact, I hear similar stories throughout the course of my day at work as I counsel people at my office during their pre- and post-operative care.
The way we eat, the when we eat, the how we eat, and the why we eat is motivated by many forces. Some of these we recognize and understand, but most of which we struggle to decipher either on our own accord or through years and thousands of dollars in therapy. Most of us will recognize and admit to eating for reasons other than hunger. Do you sit down in front of the TV after dinner, turn it on, and wonder what would go good with that show? Chips, popcorn, cookies, ice cream? You are not really hungry, yet you associate TV watching with potato chips. Or how about a fight with your boyfriend, husband, lover, or friend, what goes with that? Ice cream? Have you ever gone to the state fair feeling full or satisfied and want to eat funnel cakes anyway? Just the smell alone of funnel cakes wafting your way floods your mind with carefree childhood memories of fun at the fair. If you eat one, even though you aren't hungry, maybe you can feel that way again.
Regardless of the society, culture, religion, or ethnicity, we are taught from a young age to associate pain, suffering, happiness, celebration, depression, and a vast array of other emotions with food. Sometimes it is a formal teaching via our faith where certain foods are eaten to play a part in religious ceremonies. Other times, under less formal circumstances, we are taught from our mothers to treat the pain and humiliation of being stood up at the prom with a milkshake. Celebrating a win from a game? Why, let's have a pizza! Is it Christmas? Well then, we must have cookies.
Food and feelings
We begin from a young age to associate events and experiences and finally feelings and emotions with foods. The taste, texture, and smell of certain foods can flood your mind with memories. We learn from these experiences that when we are heartbroken, we should have a milkshake and when we are celebrating a victory, we have a pizza. These associations morph into generalities. The tonic for sadness is milkshake. The medicine for any type of sports or male bonding is pizza. My children already do this, and all three are under the age of seven years. When they are suffering from any kind of malady, they ask me for medicine. In this case, they are actually asking for medicine, and by that, I mean grape flavored liquid Motrin. They associate mommy giving them this grape concoction with the cure all for fever, rash, splinters, nausea, and vomiting. With that grape flavored cure-all magical Motrin comes a sweetness, a hug from mommy, extra attention, and maybe some snuggle time with their favorite Disney movie. Motrin doesn't cure nausea, but all things good that come with Motrin is what they want. So is food all about mommy love? I won't go that far because as a mother I neither want to blame mothers nor bear the burden of being responsible for the 60 percent of adult Americans that are either overweight or obese. I am simply pointing out that at a very young age this process begins.
You can start deciphering your eating habits by writing down what you eat and when, and then what you are feeling when you eat it. I'll bet it isn't hunger. It is important to recognize the difference between hunger and fullness. At some point, to make a real breakthrough and some headway with your weight loss, you need to uncouple. You need to find distractions to avoid emotional eating. You need to disassociate doughnuts and disappointment, boredom and beer nuts, suffering and sundaes. You need to uncouple these emotions and experiences with food. Food is many things, but it is not therapy. It is not a tonic. It is not a coping mechanism. After all, if you are disappointed, think how disappointed you are going to feel by eating those doughnuts. What will follow is another wave of emotions, usually self-doubt, defeat, self-deficiency, and failing. Now how did that doughnut serve you? Sounds to me like you just rode a roller coaster of self-destructive behavior that brought you back to the same place that you started from. Wanna go for another ride?
Uncouple food and feelings
Uncouple. The next time you are sad: stop. Think. Maybe you should be sad. It is okay to feel sad at some point in your life. Why are you sad? It is okay to feel. It may be uncomfortable and sometimes unpleasant, but that's okay. Sadness is natural. Spend your time wondering why you are sad and how you can feel better without food. You can talk it over with a friend, family member, or counselor. Share your sadness. Oftentimes just talking about it and expressing your emotion verbally is enough release you from its grip.
Uncouple emotion from the food. Food is not the cure. Smell the funnel cakes; remember your feelings of youth and happiness. Tell the story in your head to a friend or your spouse. Eating the funnel cake will not return you to a happier time. You cannot step into a funnel cake and slide down a magical hole to a happier place. You will more likely wind up in a pool of tears like Alice did in Wonderland.
Feelings are part of the human experience. Stop being afraid to experience. When we admit we have feelings and emotions, we are vulnerable. Vulnerability is a dangerous place. It will take time to sort through the doughnuts and cookies in your life, but until you allow yourself this indulgence, you will continue to medicate and manage with food. By exposing yourself to your feelings, you will find a new beginning and a new emotion. Thinness!
 | ABOUT THE AUTHOR Alana Chock, MD, FACS is board certified in General Surgery and is a Fellow of the American College of Surgeons. While serving on the faculty at the University of California, San Diego Medical Center, she trained hundreds of surgeons and residents in the field of minimally invasive surgery. In 2006, she was recognized as an outstanding leader as recipient of the Intraoperative Teaching Award. Dr. Chock joined the bariatric team at Northwest Weight Loss Surgery in 2008 and performs hundreds of weight-loss surgeries each year. |
