The Hardest Lesson Of My Life – Loving Myself
October 22, 2015Loving myself unconditionally – especially the body that houses my spirit – is proving to be the hardest lesson of my life. The challenges in learning this lesson started young and didn’t stop when I got to goal weight after my VSG surgery in May 2013.
The chubby girl
How many years have you spent hating your body? I struggle to remember a time when I wasn't embarrassed by it or when I wasn't loathing, disliking and picking my body apart from my face down to my toes. By the time I was in 1st or 2nd grade, I was getting "chubby". When my mom and I went shopping for school clothes I only fit into the “chubby” sizes. Does anyone remember those? Oh, the humiliation! That was one of my first lessons in shame and embarrassment over something I didn’t have a lot of control over, at least at that age.
You have to understand the culture of the time. I was born in the 1960’s when the British model, Twiggy, and stick-thin figures were popular. The shape of my body looked nothing like my little girl idols: Marlo Thomas of That Girl, Barbara Eden of I Dream of Jeannie, and Ginger from Gilligan’s Island. And my body looked different than most of the girls in my class. I have a vivid memory from 1st grade of squatting down next to another girl and wondering why my legs were bigger than hers. First grade!
My family always seemed to be fixated on my weight as well. My mother, who struggles with body image issues to this day, never allowed soda, cookies, sugar-filled cereals or candy in our house because her biggest fear was that her kids would get fat. Unfortunately, her strategy made those foods much more desirable. As a result, my bingeing and sneak-eating began at a very young age. My grandmother would see me doing a fun activity like playing with a hula-hoop and say “Oh, that’s such good exercise”, which sucked the joy out of having fun. And my step-father made comments about how I needed to be careful so I didn’t end up big like my paternal grandmother, a person he’d never even met.
I outgrew the “chubby” stage by 5th grade but my natural shape/build was always more sturdy and muscular than other girls my age. For good or bad, I inherited my father’s tall, stocky build in a 5’2” body. What I saw in the mirror every day was so far removed from what I saw around me and what I saw portrayed on TV. Female athletes were still fairly invisible in the early 1970’s so there weren’t many images of strong, healthy female bodies being shown on TV. What I would have given to see a Serena Williams, Ronda Rousey or Laila Ali back then!
I look back at pictures of when I was in my teens and early 20's and I'm envious of how healthy and fit I looked - and how flat my stomach was even after two babies! That level of health and fitness dissolved pretty quickly in my mid-20's when my eating disorder and life got the better of me. From that point on I can't remember a time when I wasn't overweight or obese...until now. So let’s fast forward 25+ years to the present day…
Body bashing and hatred
What no one prepares you for when you lose lots of weight is that the body bashing/hatred does not stop. IT. DOES. NOT. STOP. It's become such a habit now, a tape that runs constantly in my head. With the loss of 100 pounds thanks to VSG in 2013 and a recent lower body lift, I just focus my negativity on different things. Today it’s not the size of my thighs or my stomach or the number on the scale. It's the saggy turkey skin on my neck...or the batwings...or the deflated breasts....or the (fill in the blank). Every day it seems like there's a new flaw to pick apart. And, unfortunately, I pick...and it drives my family crazy! My daughter said the other day, "You're never going to be satisfied are you? You'll always find something you don't like."
Honoring my body
What she said made me stop and think. I'm constantly attacking and dishonoring a body that - despite my best efforts at destroying it - has faithfully carried me through life. It produced my two beautiful children. All my major organs are intact, all my senses are in working order, I've dodged some major health bullets and it responded enthusiastically to weight loss surgery and exercise. My body should be exalted and worshipped for the fantastic job it has done, especially for surviving the years of misuse and abuse I heaped upon it!
Each morning I make a conscious decision to "talk" to my body and thank it for everything it has done for me. Touching my skin, feeling my muscles, I thank it for hanging in there with me when it would have been easier to just give up and get sick or die. I tell my body that I appreciate it how strong it is, how gracefully it moves through time and space, how the muscles are getting strong, and for the good health that enables me to enjoy my family, friends and job. And to the extra pockets of fat and excess skin that are still hanging around, still trying to protect me after all these years, I gently tell it: "I bless you with love, and now
I release you and let you go!" I'm loving myself to be healthy!
Changing my mindset is going to take lots of practice - I'm certain it will be worth it. I don't want to spend the next 20 years of my life fixated on my flaws only to look back and think, "Wow, I really looked good back then!" I don't want to waste another minute hating myself or the fantastic body that I was blessed to care for while I’m on this planet.
 | ABOUT THE AUTHOR Tracy Durbin had VSG surgery in May 2013 and lost 100 pounds. Tracy is an active ObesityHelp member and regularly posts to various OH forums. She spent many years providing alcohol/drug diversion services as an adult educator. For the last 10 years Tracy has worked for major healthcare organizations in the Omaha metro area. |
