Strategies to Change Your Mindset From “Have To” to “Want To”

March 23, 2022

Strategies to Change Your Mindset: It’s not unusual for me to start and stop a new written piece many times, so I was not surprised that I had that experience writing about “I have to” versus “I want to.”

The surprise was the wave of the deep emotion that washed my heart as I pondered this topic in meditation. I already know I am not a big fan of the white-knuckle, grin, and bear it or hold your breath until you survive its way of “dealing with” one’s physical and mental health. I value commitment and discipline, but our culture – and particularly the mainstream weight loss and exercise culture – over values this way of being.

The way I see it, the “I will because I have to” approach just doesn’t produce the long-term changes we desire, nor does it foster the joy, wholeness, and freedom people are seeking.

All of that, I already knew about my perspective. What snuck up in meditation was my heart’s aching imagining the disconnect so many have with desire and pleasure. Inside an “I have to” perspective, we lose touch with desire, we move away from our body’s wisdom, we loosen our hold on intuition, and we disconnect with our heart, soul, and deep life meaning. I know, it seemed confusing and a bit too grand to me at first, too. But stick with me.

Everything we do evokes certain energies - how we talk, how quickly we move, how we breathe, the choices we make about food, how we fight, etc.

In each moment, we are flicking over dominos and setting chain reactions in motion. These evocations are not necessarily good or bad, but we invite energies, thoughts, personality aspects, feelings, reactions, etc., with each step we do or do not take…and how we do or do not take that step.

Change Your Mindset

This is where I got sensitive about “I have to” instead of “I want to.”

“I have to” is often spoken (to oneself or others) as a response to other thoughts, feelings, desires, etc., that arise. For example, someone might wake up in the morning and think, “I am tired. I want to sleep for another hour. But I have to get up and exercise, so I will.”

Someone else might be wanting to wear a swimsuit to her friendly pool party, but looking in the mirror, she determines she “has to” lose weight before that is allowed. Someone else might feel anxious about a date with a new potential love interest and think, “I want to back out and stay home…but I "have to go," so I will.”

Using “have to” to motivate one’s self to move in the direction of something they have determined as important is not bad. This is not a moral issue. And, it may even work at the moment. I am not suggesting this is “wrong.” What I am wondering is what will happen if we look at what energies, thoughts, feelings, and such are evoked by “I have to”?

Let’s look and see if that is creating the life we are deeply moved to be living. I suspect there is a way to change your mindset with a richer choice with benefits beyond immediate motivation to move, put the swimsuit on, or show up on the date.

Looking at “I have to” and “I want to”

I "have to" potentially evokes/triggers:

1. Constriction, restriction, and contraction
2. The internal child that doesn't have a voice yet but wants to be accepted, so they obey
3. The internal adolescent who hasn’t found themselves but wants to, so they rebel
4. The Fail/Succeed or perfectionism dynamic
5. Punishment/Reward cycle
6. Starvation Economy

Potential, accidental, longer term consequences:

1. Feeling drained, empty, and stressed.
2. If obedient, loss of voice and connection to personal choice and agency. Over time, this often leads to collapse (depression) or rebellion (often expressed in anxiety).
3. If rebelling, shame and fear.
4. Feeling restricted, judged and/or trapped and somehow, never being good enough.
5. Chasing reward and avoiding punishment, but missing feeling fulfilled or empowered.
6. Fear that there is not enough or, more dangerously, that I am not enough as I am. Feelings of competition, anxiety with sharing, and hoarding that is fueled by fear of lack.

“I have to” can have us living compacted, rule-driven lives. We can become attached to habits and rituals that we imagine will keep up safe or create the life we want. We fear change and creative living. Instead of getting to know and being connected with ourselves, our primary relationship to self winds up being a negotiator or authoritarian. “Ok, you can skip the workout today, but you also have to skip breakfast and lunch.” “OK, you can go, but you must wear a one-piece swimsuit with a wrap and get out of the pool after most people have gone home.” And so on.

I "want to" potentially evokes/trigger:

1. Softening and expansion
2. The Inner adult that is responsible for and speaks up for their wants and desires
3. Connection to desire and pleasure
4. The power of personal choice and agency
5. Abundance Economy

Potential, accidental, longer term consequences:

1. Feeling inspired, open, nourished, and energized.
2. Feelings of empowerment and self-respect.
3. Increased sense of self-awareness and deeper connection with one’s internal compass and body wisdom.
4. Confidence that resides in making a clear, connected choice instead of confidence propped up on something that can be easily knocked over.
5. Relaxing into believing there is enough and, in the best moments, that I am enough. Receiving positive thoughts, feelings, and compliments with ease. Letting go with grace. (Side note: This last one may make it all worth it. The way I see it, much of what ails us as humans would evaporate if we gracefully embraced letting go.)

“I want to” can help us live ever-expanding, creative lives. We can learn to change our mindset with a value our deeper drives and desires, which serve as a compass to create a personal life journey rich with meaning, purpose, and connection to self and others. We can learn to trust our intuition and live with a healthy heart and vibrant soul. We enter into a dynamic, listening, friendly, kind, and curious relationship with ourselves.

Don’t Take My Word For It

Don’t take my word for it. Try it on. Get curious about your experience. See if anything offered here might be interesting to apply to your life and weight loss journey in some way…or not. This is only one perspective, one side of a larger story. There are consequences for all actions and thoughts, and nothing is clear-cut.

For example, “I have to” might at times evoke powerful adult energy that is clear about one’s responsibility. “I want to” might evoke an irresponsible teenager or an entitled child's energy. Nothing, it seems, is “all this” or “just that.”

When I work with people, whether in yoga sessions or psychotherapy, it matters much less to me that they agree with my perspective and much more that they take my perspective as an invitation to look deeply, compassionately, curiously, and creatively at themselves.

Personal Journal Exercise

If you want to get back on track, lose weight regain, or accomplish something else to improve your life and happiness, changing your mindset from "I have to" to "I want to" can be a life-changer!

Angela Taylor, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. In addition, she has a dedicated private practice.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Angela Taylor, PhD, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She has a dedicated private practice. As a mental health professional, she provides expertise and understanding for the changes that come along after bariatric surgery. Angela is consulted regularly as a weight management and eating disorder expert. Read more articles by Angela!

---