Compassion: Building Satisfaction and Resiliency Through a Habit of Caring

July 17, 2023

It seems like compassionate caring has gotten a negative reputation these days, at least if one gives credence to the media presentation of a polarized society at odds with itself. Or maybe compassionate caring has always struggled to gain a front and center position in our lives.  Compassion and kindness still struggle to shake their reputation as weak traits. Quotes from Al Capone to the Dalai Lama inform others not to misinterpret kindness for weakness. There is a strong, likely biologically based, fear of being exploited or made a fool of, which necessitates posturing, threatening, and displays of violence willingness.

Nature, Red in Tooth and Claw

One influence in many cultural worldviews has been the focus on competitive dominance behavior and a historical narrative of “nature, red in tooth and claw,” which has set many current social agendas and worldviews. This is a myopic view of humans that aims to promote only one aspect of human behavior. However, in recent years, there has been a strong body of literature and popular science books exploring the prosocial aspect of humans. Researchers now present the critical role helping, sharing, consoling, comforting, cooperating, and kindness play in creating resilient individuals, families, and societies. Humans are adaptable and capable of utilizing a full array of behaviors – why are we overusing competition and aggressive dominance with each other? Why is caring seen as weak?

Part of the problem, I assert, is a lack of clarity in terms and concepts. For example, empathy is often seen as weak since it can lead to unhelpful and harmful behaviors such as blurred self-identity, extremes in self-sacrifice and rescuing, and unwanted intrusions into the lives of others. But empathy as a concept is complex and involves many different experiences. Words and how we use them profoundly shape our sense of self, others, and the world. The meanings of words and phrases are not stagnant but change and evolve in lockstep with shifts in culture. 

Terms like empathy, sympathy, and compassion have been used in a variety of ways and, at times, fused together as if they meant the same thing. This creates a state of confusion. 

Depending on what you reference, what decade it was written, and from what academic discipline the author (s) are engaged in, you can have overlapping and yet sometimes distinct definitions of terms like empathy, sympathy, and compassion. These terms and concepts do overlap, but there are important distinctions. These terms have also been accused of causing helpers to develop pathological reactions to helping. Terms like vicarious trauma, secondary traumatic stress, and compassion fatigue all refer to the experience of a person, as a witness or helper, having a pathological reaction to another’s suffering. Persons in medical and behavioral healthcare and emergency services are often studied under these terms given their high exposure to the suffering of others. But wait – how can this be? 

The Concept of Compassion

One of the common concepts found in the world’s wisdom traditions, rather religious or philosophical, is the concept of compassion. Think about how “the golden rule” concept appears in the majority of wisdom and faith traditions. How can a core concept of living a purposeful life be harmful? In fact, many studies over the years have shown that depending on how the study defines empathy, sympathy, and compassion and how considerations of individual differences and context influences if harmful side-effects occur. Maybe we need definitional clarity to help us develop a healthy attitude towards others. I am inspired by the title of a journal article by Trisha Dowling, “Compassion does not fatigue!”. Caring for others and for ourselves is not harmful, rather it increases well-being.

Let’s look at ways psychological science defines empathy to gain a better idea of what is meant by caring as harmful and caring as helpful.

This is also known as perspective taking and does not involve feeling or emotion, rather it is the ability to put yourself in someone else’s shoes without engaging their emotions. This is helpful in negotiations or navigating the social world, for instance, and can be used to exploit others as well as to understand others prosocially.

This is what most people think of when they think of empathy. Emotional empathy is when you vicariously feel the other person’s emotions alongside them. You feel with them. This can be a deeply rewarding experience, can promote bonding, and allows us to be moved by art. But emotional empathy also has a negative side and is responsible for the negative view of empathy as weak or leading to harmful effect. 

This subcategory of emotional empathy is called empathic distress or emotional contagion - as if you had “caught” the emotions. This is probably the first type of empathy that any of us felt as children before we were able to differentiate ourselves from others. It can be seen when a baby starts to cry when hearing another baby crying. Negative mob or herd mentality are also examples of this capacity creating harm. In caring for others, it is emotional contagion that plays a key role in vicarious trauma, secondary traumatic stress, and compassion fatigue. The helper has “caught” the intense emotions, the overwhelming experience is related to the self, leads to withdraw behaviors, and the capacity to help has been diminished.

Sometimes separated out from the accompany term empathy, compassion or compassionate care involves the awareness of and concern for another’s suffering that leads to a desire to help. You feel for them. Since you are not in emotional distress with the person, you can be fully present and better able to help in a healthy manner. This requires having healthy boundaries, knowing when to say “no” or “I can’t do this – but I can do that,” and respectful of each person’s individuality and our shared human experience.

It will come as no surprise to the reader that I encourage and advocate more compassion in the world. Helping is not harmful, but if you tend to get negatively absorbed by other’s suffering, then I encourage you to build skills of regulation, grounding, mindfulness, self-care, and boundary creation to be a more effective helper. It is helpful to remember we all suffer, and a compassionate response to suffering is a strength. As one of the translations of namaste states: The divine light in me bows to the divine light within you.

K. A. Plouffe is the author of two journal articles on trauma and a trauma recovery themed novel, Annie’s Odyssey.  He currently practices in Maine.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR K. A. Plouffe is a retired U.S. Air Force member who served in security and mental health positions with assignments at the Air Force Survival School and at Cuban refugee camps in Panama.  He holds M.S. degrees in Psychology and Mental Health Counseling.  He has worked in the mental health field for over 30 years and is a licensed clinical counselor.  He is the author of two journal articles on trauma and a trauma recovery themed novel, Annie’s Odyssey.  He currently practices in Maine.

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