Pushing Past the Grief, My WLS Revision
April 14, 2017At my highest weight, I astonished myself when the scale at my doctor's office read 345. How did I get here?
I gorged myself without thinking of the consequences. I ate my feelings. Big Macs, ice-cream, pizza, you name it! An hour later, I would feel hungry again and ask what’s for dinner. I would forget that I had just eaten and go to the fridge to make something to eat. I was never “full” because I was always hungry.
I was so addicted to food that I would eat and hide the food wrappers, even when living on my own. I would sit near food tables at celebrations and sporting events. Whatever value meal had the most food; I’d buy it.
My Ah-Ha Moment
It wasn’t until 2007 when I realized that my weight was out of control. My ah-ha moment came when I was planning a vacation to Croatia to meet my paternal side of the family. I realized at that moment; they would be meeting the 345 pound me. It sunk in, this would be how they remembered me. I was never truly ashamed of myself until then.
After I got back from my vacation, I saw my PCP and began the process for surgical weight loss treatment. To make a long story short, I had a lot of struggles with insurance approval and was denied coverage three times! There were many times that I felt like giving up, but I wanted to live more, I was ready and excited to start my new life! Eventually, I was approved! I had Lap-Band surgery on August 4, 2008, with Dr. Douglas Krahn, the man who I now feel has saved my life twice.
Compliance & Lying to Myself
I opted to have the Lap-Band system because I overate and thought it would help stop me from being able to eat the enormous amounts I was consuming. I also thought it was the appropriate surgery for me because it was less invasive and didn't reroute. After surgery, I did eat healthier smaller amounts. I loved my Lap-Band. I had lost 170 pounds with it! I attended support groups and spoke at my surgeon’s information seminars. I felt amazing both personally and professionally. I was on top of the world.
In 2009, I was blessed enough to be introduced to the man who I now call my husband, Derek. I had found someone that liked me for me! He quickly had a million questions and adjusted to my lifestyle, as easily as I adjusted to his.
Life was good but it wasn't long after that my clothes weren’t fitting like they used to, I stopped answering my surgeon’s call to speak at seminars. I stopped going to my surgeon for band fills. I also stopped attending support group meetings and skipped the gym. It wasn't my relationship with my husband; it was my relationship with myself. I got comfortable and became compliant. I started taking liberties, eating a lot of things that I shouldn’t have, and more often. I began lying to myself and to others about regaining, I was in denial.
I lied to myself and denied myself the opportunity to get the help before it was too late. Food was more important; AGAIN. Looking back now, I feel that I didn’t have a keen understanding of the addiction I had to food.
In December 2013, I felt that there was something more wrong. I was able to eat more and was still hungry all of the time. I swallowed my pride and made an appointment to see my surgeon. He sent me in for tests and turned out; I had a dilation of the upper part of my stomach. The pouch above my stomach, that was supposed to be egg sized, had stretched, which is the reason I could consume more. There was no definitive cause. I could have stretched it, or my body was compensating or rejecting the Band.
Grieving & Needing a WLS Revision
I felt like I was experiencing a trauma and that I was going through stages of grief regarding the fact that I needed a revision. The first thoughts that came to my mind were: Failure, Regret, Defeat, Frustration, Inadequacy, Loser.
1. Denial: No, I don’t need another surgery? I will just go on my pre-surgery diet and be fine. The food isn’t calling to me, I can do this on my own! I seriously do not have this problem again!
{Inner Voice} “Guess what… doesn’t that sound like the thinking that got you where you are standing today? Because you thought you could do it on your own.”
2. Shock, Disbelief, Anger: I can’t believe I let myself get to this point again… I haven’t really gained that much.
{Inner Voice} “Well, yeah, you have gained that much! The scale doesn’t lie unless someone is putting their foot on the scale behind you as a prank. The only person on this scale is you.”
3. Bargaining: What if I just take the Band out? How much of my life will change if I don’t have anything? I don’t want to reroute my insides. I thought these very same thoughts when I was on the surgery table before they put me under for my LapBand.
{Inner Voice} “but you need this!”
4. Depression: I am such a failure, I cannot believe I did this to myself… it is all my fault. I just can’t go through with this again.
{Inner Voice} “Well, you are right there… it is your fault. You didn’t do what you were supposed to do, but you are far from a failure.”
5. Testing: What if I just eat this, and this, oh and this… I really tested everything; My relationship with food, my relationship with Derek, and with work. What would happen if…
{Inner Voice} “Testing will only get you so far. There is either do it, or don’t. Testing is the middle man between success and failure.”
6. Acceptance and Hope: Think of how your life will be without this excess weight. How you will feel, you’ll be able to (hopefully) get married, pregnant, be active! Food will no longer control you- you will control your food!
{Inner Voice} “You can do this. You are going to do everything in your power to NOT FAIL. Continue to go to your support groups, be an advocate for other patients, BE THERE and BE PRESENT.”
The Fork in the Road, Where Do I Go?
Here is where I approached my fork in the road. I had let myself gain 80 pounds; I could keep the Band and work around it. It wasn’t hurting me, other than the fact that I was hurting myself by not doing what I was supposed to, or I could talk to my surgeon about a revision and really tackle my food issues.
I spoke with my surgeon as to what the best revision options for me were. I also started to see a therapist, Dr. Steven Reyes, who specializes in food disorders and body image. I knew I needed to do the work and really tackle my addiction. I had my revision in May 2014, and the only people who knew about it were my immediate family, my boyfriend, and my boss. I was in the hospital for two days and was discharged home for my aftercare and recovery.
Me being the “glass is half full" kinda gal; I turned my stages of grieving into the 7 Stages of “How to Succeed with a Revision.” I made a choice to do everything in my power to succeed.
My 7 Emotional Stages of Success With a WLS Revision
To continue the success I’ve had since my revision to an RNY Gastric Bypass, I make these seven choices below and am grateful for the healthy, happy life that I live today.
1. Medical: Making regular doctor appointments and labs
I have not missed one since my revision. I follow up with my routine blood work and take my vitamins every day. I also still see my PCP to get my check-ups.
2. Psychological: Work with my psychologist who specializes in weight-related issues
I met with my psychologist twice a month for about six months. When I found my support groups and my niche for supporting/helping others, I now see him every month at my group meetings.
3. Fitness: Being physically involved
I found a workout that works for me. I attend a Boot Camp that is constantly changing up the routine - 45 min HIIT classes, to 30 minutes of maximum HIIT, Yoga sessions, walking, parking farther in the parking lot. I work out with my husband to hold myself accountable.
4. Support: Attend support group meetings
I attend a support group every two weeks, at two different locations. I also have access to a third or fourth group, if I’m not able to make one of the others. I am there to not only support myself, but others going through their own WLS journey. I also run the clothing exchanges for both of the groups I attend. I attend WLS events, such as ObesityHelp’s Annual National Conferences! I attended my first OH conference in August 2014… and vowed to attend every year from then on, no matter where it was going to be.
5. Encourage: Become your own cheerleader
I’ve stopped negative thinking and started thinking positive about every aspect of my life. It may be corny, but just like those lies you tell yourself, you start to believe the negative. I leave notes of encouragement for myself!
6. Testing (Food): Make healthier choices
Yes, WLS has it’s “you can never’s”, but I find it fun to find a healthier alternative to what I can have. Lower sugar options, veggie replacements for the bread or pasta. Test yourself and create your own “Chopped” television episode with your family.
7. Knowledge: Furthering my knowledge about weight-related issues
Reading and researching anything I can pertaining to my situation, including ObesityHelp.com forums, articles, and groups.
What I've Learned from My Revision
I've learned that we all have times of relapse or temporary failure. Be positive and look for the good in every situation and learn from your experiences. When you veer off track, don’t judge yourself. Instead, forgive yourself and give yourself praise for realizing that a mistake was made. We learn more from failure than we do from success. Failure builds character!
I've also learned it is important to stop comparing yourself to others, they are going through a different journey than you. Don’t compare who you are today to who you were yesterday. This also goes for friends, family members, coworkers, and media. Comparing yourself to others will stop you from reaching your goals because you are engrossed in theirs. You hinder your potential while trying to achieve theirs. Stay focused on your journey and what makes you succeed.
Let your fork in the road lead you to happiness; it may take a few left turns to get there, but as long as you keep your ultimate goals in mind, you’ll get there sooner or later.
 | ABOUT THE AUTHOR Lauren Sanchez had Lap-Band in 2008 and a revision to RNY in 2014 due to irreversible dilation of the upper pouch. She has since lost a total of 200 pounds and has committed herself to a new path. This new road included a revision, but it also includes a commitment to follow-up appointments, counseling, attending local support groups and participating in online bariatric communities. Lauren lives in Southern California and enjoys spending time with her family. |
