Playing With Fire as a Long-Term RNY Post-Op
December 13, 2015Recently, my husband and I were trying to find something decent to watch on TV after dinner. We have two children, and we don't have cable or satellite service. We have Netflix, and our kids watch the show 'Cupcake Wars.' It is a competition where established bakers create cupcakes under a certain amount of time and are judged.
Since the kids enjoyed watching this show, and it was somewhat interesting to my husband and I as well, we found a similar type of show on Netflix called, 'Food Network Star.' We started watching it as our nightly family show. It was great; we enjoyed seeing which amateur chefs progressed from show to show, and to see who would be the actual Food Network Star. It drew us in and next thing I knew, we had watched both seasons that were on Netflix.
My obsession with food slowly creeps back
From Cupcake Wars and the Food Network Star, we progressed to watch other competitive cooking shows such as 'Throwdown With Bobby Flay,' 'Cutthroat Kitchen,' and 'Chopped.' I watched every episode available on Netflix in the evenings with my husband and kids. I would also find myself watching them on weekends when the kids were in the house and I had 'finished my chores.' My normal routine pre-Food Network shows, included going to the gym, walking around at the mall with my kids, picking through things at the Goodwill Store and other errands. My routine changed to staying at home. I wasn't aware at the time but I was being drawn in. My obsession with food has been slowly creeping back and I didn't even see it coming. When I say I have been playing with fire, that's the fire: My obsession with food.
I had RNY in June of 2009, but nevertheless, I still obsessed over food. I weighed about 330 pounds at my highest weight, and currently weigh around 165. I had a few years in between where I didn't really diet/exercise. In the past two years, after gaining back 20+ pounds, I knew something had to be done. I have been working really hard and learning about how to lift weights at my gym. But for the past couple months, I have been getting lazy. I was attributing it to being busy at work or being busy with the kids, but honestly, I am not any more busy than I have ever been, so that's not really a true excuse.
It's one of those excuses I have chosen to use to try and justify laziness to myself. My kids usually play soccer but they didn't play this season because we switched schools, and I wanted them to get adjusted. I get up and go to bed at a decent hour every day and night. I am merely making excuses here, but I never really saw what I was doing to myself until yesterday.
So we watched (when I say 'we,' I really mean 'ME,') every episode of every cooking show on Netflix. The only thing left was 'Cupcake Wars.' For some reason, I avoided that show. I don't know if it was my conscience knowing better than me. However, for the past week, I have been watching every episode. I have been inadvertently avoiding the gym and going by the grocery store time after time. I have been eating animal crackers, lots of the 100 calorie pack cookies, marshmallows...basically, anything sugary sweet I can get my hands on. Every day I would start the day off doing very well and have a positive mindset but by after lunch, I was in complete hermit mode with my snacks and 'Cupcake Wars.' I watched for hours.
Acting on my obsession
Next thing I knew, I started thinking about the fact that I needed one of those cupcakes. I didn't want one from the grocery store; I wanted a real, fresh cupcake without the 'artificial frosting,' taste I was hearing the judges on the show talk about. My husband and I took the kids to Best Buy to walk around and across from the store was an actual cupcake store. I knew in my mind the whole time I was going to have one.
We went to the cupcake store, and the cupcakes looked lovely. The lady behind the counter even talked about the 'Smores,' cupcakes and about how it was on the Food Network. The kids and my husband got that one and I got an Eggnog/Spice cupcake. As we dug into the pile of frosting and cake, and took our first bite, honestly, it wasn't all that great. It wasn't the soft, creamy, sweet dream I thought I would be biting into. The frosting was crusted on the outside and the cake part was dense and missing moisture. My disappointment was indescribable. It wasn't what I thought the cupcakes from the show would taste like. On our way home, and right down the street from the cupcake store, we saw (when I say 'we,' again, I mean 'ME,') another shop called 'Nothing Bundt Cakes,' and in the window was a picture of what I thought was a cupcake of some sort.
Feeding my obsession
Yesterday, we went back to the Bundt cake store. As we walked towards the door, an employee came out and said they had closed. My husband told her that we drove for 20 minutes to get here, so she gave us 4 free mini Bundt cakes. She couldn't charge us because she had already closed the register for the day. We thanked her and off we went, back home. The flavors were: red velvet, chocolate/chocolate, lemon, and cinnamon. We decided to cut each mini cake into fourths so each person could get a fourth of each flavor, therefore eating one mini Bundt cake. After dinner, I bit into the frosting. OH MY. If you have ever had frosting with real butter and good, quality cream cheese...you know what I'm talking about. The cakes were so moist and brought about automatic food groans (those sounds you make when you eat something so, so good) and eye rolls.
After eating two of my fourths, my husband warned me. I even put the bowl down because I felt that full feeling. After about 15 minutes, I picked the bowl back up and finished the other 2 fourths. I was fine. I was more than fine. Finally, I had the delicious, soft, creamy taste I had been dreaming of.
The next thing I knew, I was not so fine. I wear a FitBit and I happened to check my pulse because I had automatically started labored breathing. My pulse was 105. I was sitting and my pulse was 105. Ridiculous. Then, the wave of nausea hit me like a brick in the face. I had blurry vision and my head was spinning.
Then, I got that feeling like I was going to throw up so off to the toilet I go as my husband was saying 'I told you so...' I would have paid someone if I could have thrown up, but the cake had already passed through the 'throw up zone,' inside my stomach. I even tried to gag myself but I couldn't get anything up.
My son, 7 years old, comes in the bathroom and asks me if I am okay. I realize that I am not doing what I set out to do. I had RNY so that I could improve my health and set a better example for my kids. What did we do today? We went specifically to a cake store, and came home to watch television and eat a mini cake. I even went to the gym in the morning with my daughter, and now, after an entire mini Bundt cake, here I am. I had to literally crawl up the hallway, and my husband came and helped me get to bed. I was so, so, so sick. It took about 45 minutes for the feeling to pass, and when it did, I was exhausted. My heart rate remained high until I was able to get to sleep. I could only imagine what was going on inside my body to try and adjust for all that sugar.
Getting away from my obsession
What did I learn out of all this? I learned that shows on TV about food are a trigger for me. I have to stop watching them, completely. I found an outlet to live vicariously through the lives of the chefs and judges on these shows, and when I got to the 'Cupcake Wars,' it all compounded into a sugary mess. My husband even told me yesterday morning that he thought I could end up taking some steps back because of the shows. I knew he was right. Yesterday morning, when I woke up, I opened Netflix and clicked on a show called, 'Man V. Food.' The guy in this show travels around to restaurants where they basically serve extremely large portions and he tries to eat the biggest burgers and sandwiches, etc.
That's when my husband told me of his concern. He knows the size of portions I used to eat, and having lived the past couple months in constant Snackville, I knew his suspicions were spot on. I just didn't want to confront or acknowledge them. But, if I am going to meet my goal weight, I have got to get it together, mentally and physically. I didn't come this far to go back to obesity. I didn't do this just for me; I did this for my kids and my family, too. I wanted to set good examples and show others that despite this constant struggle of wanting to eat four fried chickens and a Coke, I wasn't going to fall for it. I want to not need food to make me happy, and I have learned that I am not there yet. I am not in a comfortable spot with food yet. I am aware that I have some deep thinking, meditation, and re-evaluation that I'm doing now.
Getting myself back on track
I know we have all back slides. I don't expect every single day of this journey to be perfect. I want to do what I can to avoid triggers that lead me into weeks of unhealthy eating and food obsession. I had no idea that watching shows about food on Netflix would cause me to do what I have been doing these past couple months. I know now, and it took a heck of a bout with a mini Bundt cake to teach me, but I want to remember how sick I felt and how embarrassing it was to crawl up the hallway knowing my kids saw me. I don't want to do that again, ever again.
I share my experience to show that sometimes there are hidden triggers that might pop up, even years after your WLS. I've learned to always be aware and on the lookout. Some of us are able to handle a cupcake or a sweet treat, and not want anything else. I am apparently not there and it's okay. I learned a huge lesson about myself, and I am going to re-evaluate what I can do in the future to make sure that I stay away from shows about food on TV, and that I don't let my mind over-obsess about food. If you play with fire for long enough, you will get burnt. I got burned yesterday, and I probably have some permanent scarring, but for me, it's a much needed reminder to stay busy, eat right, and exercise.
 | ABOUT THE AUTHOR April Parker had RNY gastric bypass June 10, 2009. She has since lost 165 pounds and is close to her goal, which is 150. Growing up with such deeply rooted emotional relationship with food, April is still learning how to implement all the do's and dont's that can save her life and transform her way of thinking from being an emotional and binge eater to a more conscientious decision-maker. April is a 6th Grade Science teacher in Union County, NC.Read more article by April! |
