Nine Ways To Be Kind To Yourself and Why It’s Important

1.

Without judgment, notice your thoughts. The first step to adopting self-kindness is noticing your self-critical thoughts.  Be a curious, non-judgmental observer of the running commentary in your mind. Write the thoughts down. For example, Kelly might observe the thoughts, “I hate myself for being so weak,” and “I’m such a wimp.”  

2.

Next, ask yourself, “What would I say to a dear friend in the same situation?” Odds are, you would respond to a friend with kindness, care, and encouragement. Intentionally speak to yourself as you would speak to a beloved friend. For example, Kelly might replace her unkind thoughts with, “I’m doing the best I can under difficult circumstances,” “I’m working with my therapist to be more assertive,” and “I deserve kindness and compassion.”

3.

Memorize a kind, self-compassionate mantra to use when you catch yourself using critical self-talk. For example, you might respond to self-criticism with, “This is a moment of pain, which all people experience. I send myself love and compassion.”

4.

Put your hand on your heart and send yourself love, kindness, and compassion. Close your eyes and feel the warmth that you are sending yourself. Slowly and rhythmically, breathe kindness and self-love into your heart. 

This practice is associated with the release of oxytocin, a chemical that relieves stress and promotes relaxation, calmness, and feelings of safety. You'll be able to avoid stress-eating.

5.

Rest when you need it. We live in a world that praises people for driving themselves to exhaustion, both mentally and physically. 

Self-kindness calls us to reject this unhealthy message and respond to our exhaustion with care: take a nap, go to bed early, or simply lie down and rest. Be proud that you have chosen “rest over running on empty.”

6.

Move your body in a joyful and empowering way, especially if you have self-critical thoughts and feelings about your body.  Take a walk in nature, dance, swim, do yoga, lift weights….engage in any activity that allows you to feel joy, strength, and empowerment. 

Thank your body for what it allows you to do each day.

7.

Respond to negative emotions with mindfulness meditation.  When you are experiencing challenging feelings, resist the urge to temporarily bury them with distractions. Instead, do a guided mindfulness meditation (there are many exercises available online, free of charge). 

Regular mindfulness meditation retrains the brain to be non-judgmental and compassionate and is directly associated with reduced anxiety and depression.

8.

Set healthy boundaries. An important part of self-kindness is learning to say “no” to others when their requests and expectations are unhealthy for you. Boundary setting involves first noticing when a request/expectation elicits feelings of anger, frustration, resentment, or anxiety. 

For example, Kelly might notice that she feels angry at her siblings for expecting her to assume such a large role in their mother’s care. Next, boundary-setting includes sending an assertive, healthy message about one’s needs and wants.  Kelly might say to her siblings, “I can help on Monday and Friday, but I have other commitments on Tuesday and Wednesday. I cannot do those days. Which of those days will you do?”

Healthy boundary-setting can be challenging, especially if you grew up in a household that was lacking in such. I encourage you to enlist the help of a therapist if you could benefit from some boundary-setting assistance. After all, going to therapy is another great practice of self-kindness and care!

9.

Spend time with people who bring you up. Few things affect our emotions as greatly as the energy of the people around us. 

To treat yourself with kindness, actively notice how the people in your life make you feel. After being with someone, do you feel anxious, judged, or exhausted? Or do you feel warm, fulfilled, and joyful? 

Take stock of the feelings that people elicit and minimize your time with “energy drainers” while increasing time with “bucket fillers.”