I Got to Goal, Why Am I Still Not Happy?

September 22, 2015

Got To Goal and Still Not Happy?

I have people sit in my office, sometimes 150 or more pounds less than they weighed just a few years prior, most of them got to goal. They can fit comfortably in the chair. They can see their private parts when they look down. They can keep up with their friends - or pass them up - on hikes and in spin classes.

But they still suffer. Looking in the mirror and seeing their old selves, they feel sad and confused. Focusing on their imperfections they now see “problems” they never noticed before. Even for those who are able to love and embrace their new body, some still don’t feel happy. They have lost all this weight, but don’t yet feel happy. Why?

The short answer…because weight was never actually the problem.

I don’t say this lightly. In fact, I cringe as I write this sentence because I witness the profound suffering of people struggling with their weight and weight loss. They suffer physical pain, emotional turmoil, and social prejudice. You might have thought when you got to goal, you'd be happy. And those are all horrible experiences, no doubt. But, weight was never the actual problem. Weight was a symptom.

This is not inherently a bad thing, but striving can go wrong if we forget a few important things, and we, as a collective culture, have forgotten these important things. But, when we can shift our perspective and remember what we inherently, divinely already know, we will not only improve our electronics, kitchen appliances, vehicles, and bodies but also our minds, hearts, and spirits.

Many things are great about our culture, but many things are pretty screwed up. One positive quality of our culture is that we strive for growth and improvement. We are always looking for the next thing we can improve about our phones, refrigerators, cars and especially our own bodies.

Got to Goal? You're More Than Your Weight

And, if happiness is what you are going for, that comes from the heart, not just the body. So, here’s the longer answer to the question, “I got to goal, why am I still not happy?”

Weeds Have Roots

There are a few other important things - like “Love is always a better motivator than hate” and “It’s ain’t so simple and no five step solution will solve most ‘problems’” - but since this is an article and not my book, we’ll start here. If you remember this one truth, things will start to shift for you.

Weeds have roots, and excess weight is like the visible part of the weed.

We have forgotten that the excess weight on our bodies came from somewhere - grew out of something. That “something” - the root - is the problem; the weight is the symptom.

In our culture over the past few decades, we have demonized obesity. Advertisements and most of the medical community have supported this - “obesity is the problem, let me help you solve it.” We have even waged a war against obesity. As good intended as that may be, a war against obesity has villainized obesity and simplified it down to an enemy to crush. But waging war against obesity would be like declaring war against third-degree burns and staying away from all stoves because a kid burned his hand on a stovetop.

Obesity is not a cruel enemy that needs to be annihilated. Obesity is a consequence, a symptom. Just like the pain that a child experiences after putting his hand on a hot stove is not a bad thing but rather a sign to loudly point out to him the thing he is doing that is injuring him so that he can STOP DOING THAT THING, obesity is a sign pointing out what is injuring you. Your weight is telling you that something is off. Losing weight does not solve the original problem.

Weight loss will give you a smaller and probably healthier and more agile body, but it will not eliminate whatever caused the gain in the first place. You have to look at your weight as a sign and, if you want to be happy, look in the direction of your weight and see what it is trying to point out to you.

Obesity is the third degree burn. Just like a burn has real implications for your life and needs to be treated, so does obesity. But, the burn is not the problem, and neither is (or was) your weight. The stove is also not the problem, and neither are the chips, family meals or sandwiches. There is a way to interact with the stove where you will walk away sad and burned, and there’s another way where you will walk away happy and with a beautiful meal. The same is true with your chips, family gatherings and sandwiches.

Obesity is a Result, What's the Symptoms and Roots?

• Perpetual loneliness
• Complicated grief
• Unprocessed trauma
• Chronic dissatisfaction
• Denial of deep internal conflicts
• An amputation of your need to express yourself creatively
• Suffocation of your own voice and desires
• A sacrifice of yourself to care only for others
• An underlying medical issue
• Fear of your sexuality

You have lost, or are losing weight, you might have got to goal, and that can be a beautiful thing. But, if you want happiness, you have to look at the roots of that weed. If you want to walk away from the stove happy, you have to both treat your burns but also learn to interact respectfully with the heat of the stove. Life, my dears, can be hot. Extremely hot. If you don’t respect that heat, you will burn the hell out of yourself. But, if you learn how to pay attention and dance with the heat, then you’ll create magic.

So, instead of a war against obesity, lets fight a war against loneliness. Or a war against killing your divine, creative spirit. Or a war against whatever it is that you know led to your weight gain in the first place. And, if you don’t know, join a group, read some books or get a good (I emphasize GOOD) therapist.

Find and dig up the roots. If you cut your weeds above ground and clean your entire field…wait two days…they’ll all be back. Try to eliminate your obesity by just losing weight…wait two years…it’ll be back. The only way to protect and prepare your field so it can grow healthy, happy, fruit-bearing plants is to pull up the weeds by the roots and to keep digging them up and keep pulling them out when they try to come back. Then, plant new seeds - seeds of joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, love, and creativity - and water them every day.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR Angela Taylor, PhD, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She has a dedicated private practice. As a mental health professional, she provides expertise and understanding for the changes that come along after bariatric surgery. Angela is consulted regularly as a weight management and eating disorder expert. Read more articles by Angela!

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