Be Happy, It’s Your Right!
February 5, 2013What do you want for yourself? Not just that you want to lose weight, be able to move around easier, look great in clothes, have better relationships, or feel better physically; but for the whole of you. How do you want to present yourself to the world? Would you like to be able to stand tall, look others in the eye without flinching, make decisions for yourself, experience yourself as worthy and lovable, and know that you deserve all that is wonderful? If you do, then what you are looking for is increased “self-esteem.”
You’ve probably heard that term “self-esteem” many times and may have wondered what it really is? According to the classic work by Nathaniel Branden, father of the self-esteem movement, the essence of self-esteem is “to trust one’s mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness.” To “trust one’s mind” is to have “confidence in our ability to think (and) confidence in our ability to cope with the basic challenges of life.” This means that you believe you are able to think clearly, generate appropriate plans of action, make choices that support your life’s purpose, and act appropriately on your choices to create a life that is satisfying and meaningful.
For Branden, it is important to “know that one is worthy of happiness” and to have “confidence in our right to be successful and happy, the feeling of being worthy, deserving, entitled to assert our needs and wants, achieve our values, and enjoy the fruits of our efforts.” Wow! Let’s pause a moment and let this settle in. You are to believe that you have the right to be successful and happy however you define those terms. That may be a new concept for you. However, it is not new! In fact, it is one of the reasons that the United States even exists today. The Declaration of Independence, put forth on July 4, 1766, clearly states that each human is “endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” So let’s get this really embedded in the depth of our beings. Because you are a human being, you are entitled and encouraged to seek out constructive life experiences that will make you feel fulfilled and happy.
Now that we’re clear that each of us is entitled to healthy self-esteem, how is it that we often go around feeling unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable? Notice how your physical posture responds as you read those words. Probably your shoulders slump, your eyes look towards the ground, your chest collapses inward, and your whole demeanor is downcast. Not a wonderful way to go through life. No pursuit of happiness there! Our lack of confidence and self-esteem has it origins in our early history. What were the messages you were given as a child about yourself by your family, your culture, your environment, your teachers, your classmates, or the neighborhood kids? If these messages were negative, such as “You’re so fat; You’re too sensitive; You’re stupid; You’re clumsy; You eat too much; You’re so stubborn; You ask too many questions; You’re such a pig,” they affected your sense of self. Comments like those confused and hurt you. You probably began to believe what was said. In today’s culture, which is becoming more sensitive to interpersonal exchanges, we could say that those were bullying statements. The fact is the words were not true; those awful words attacked your essence, your soul. The things that others say about you do not define you. Remember, you have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You have the right to be treasured and to be seen as the precious human being that you are.
How can you move to honoring and respecting yourself? How can you take back your power and give yourself the gift of high self-esteem that was so wrongly taken from you?
1. Challenge those messages you heard as a child. At the time, you probably accepted them as the truth. It’s now time to examine these statements as an adult and see if they are valid. Many of them are not. Some questions you can use to challenge these statements are: Does this statement respect me as a human being? Does this statement support me? Does this statement allow me to move forward or hold me back? Does this statement nurture me or put me down? If any of the statements put you down, they are not valid.
2. Replace each of the negative, cruel, disrespectful, and demeaning statements you heard as a child with a message that you would have liked to have heard. That’s right, now you can give yourself the messages you wanted to hear. Example: You heard, “You never do anything right!” What would you have liked to have heard? Perhaps something like, “When something puzzles you, you really work hard to understand it so that you get better at whatever you are doing.”
3. Stop beating up on yourself from the inside out. When you hear yourself saying negative things about yourself either out loud or in your head... STOP... become aware of what you have just said and say something nice about yourself. You might start by affirming that you have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. You could say, “I am beginning to believe that I am _____________.” You could fill in the blank with “worthy,” “lovable,” “deserving,” “a precious human being,” “a smart person,” or any other words or phrases that have special positive meaning for you.
4. Seek out friends you trust who will honor and support you. Consider sharing things we’re told as children so that you can check them out together. In this way, you can support one another and perhaps uncover other things that you currently believe and never questioned. By the way, this sharing is not to blame anyone in your history, it is just to bring to light the things you believed and never challenged. Each human received messages that were not supportive and if we don’t bring them to light or challenge them, we unconsciously live our lives believing the unchallenged messages were true.
Research from the field of positive psychology has given us some valuable information about happiness. It has shown us that through our efforts we can increase our happiness and self-esteem by consistently using and practicing some simple techniques. These techniques can: provide us with a more positive attitude, increase and improve meaningful relationships, create a vision and an environment of hope, and lead to a more fulfilling life. This does not mean that all challenges disappear; however, coming from a more positive outlook allows us to more competently and easily handle our challenges in ways that maintain our well-being and integrity.
So, here are six ways that you can begin to increase your happiness quotient. Choose the ones that appeal to you and begin using them now. Continually practicing your chosen techniques will increase your self-esteem, lift your spirit, increase your enjoyment of life, and enable you to move towards the future you want.
1. Keep a Gratitude Journal. Each day list five things that you are grateful for. Challenge yourself to make those five things different each day. Doing this focuses you on what is working in your life and de-emphasizes what is not working.
2. Practice acts of kindness. What are some unexpected kind things that you can do for others? Perhaps saying “good morning” with a smile on your face or holding the door for another person. How about letting someone in line ahead of you in a store when they only have a few items or anonymously putting money in an expired meter of someone’s car. What other ways can you think of to practice acts of kindness?
3. Savor life’s joys. What is something that brings you delight and lights up your life? Perhaps it is something that you can enjoy frequently or perhaps it’s a memory that was meaningful. Whatever it is, pause... allow yourself to experience it with all of your senses... immerse yourself in the richness of it... take delight in it... savor it! You will raise your energy and experience deep happiness.
4. Create a list of things that you would like to do. This could be your own “Bucket List,” i.e., the things you want to do before you die. Research has shown that writing down what you want is a positive act that almost automatically leads to the accomplishment of the items on the list, even when the list has been put away and ignored. Instead of putting your list away, how about keeping it in front of you so that you can check off the items as you accomplish them?
5. Take exquisite care of your body. Your body is the vehicle that takes you through life and needs to be well-maintained to operate optimally. So, how do you take exquisite care of your body? Do you treat your body as something precious? If you did, what would you be doing? Begin pampering your body. It will appreciate your efforts and, as a result, your happiness will increase.
6. Create spiritual or religious practices. What are some ways you can connect to your higher power or higher wisdom? Research has shown that regular spiritual or religious practices, such as meditation or prayers of thanksgiving, increase calm and relaxation, decrease stress, improve sleep, reduce blood pressure, and increase a person’s sense of well-being. How can you include regular spiritual or religious practice into your life?
Lynn Meinke is an ICF Professional Certified Coach, psychotherapist, educator, author, coaching instructor and been a speaker at two ObesityHelp National Conferences. She is the founder of Centre for Coaching Education. As a former OR nurse, Lynn assisted on some of the first gastric bypass surgeries.
