Awakening the Dancer Within
December 3, 2015There comes a time when there is an awakening. Sometimes it is through events in one’s life or even through the people we meet. My journey had me in situations that made me seek deep within myself. I always had a weight problem. However, I didn’t really realize it until the elementary school nurse whispered my weight in my ear during a health class weigh in. I thought to myself, “Why would she have to whisper my weight?” At that moment, I “really thought” something was wrong with me.
My Only Escape Was Food
The school nurse whispering my weight to me set off a series of events in my life that spiraled me down a very unhappy, depressed and lonely path of compulsive eating. I had all the excuses and blaming others to justify why I weighed what I did, and ate compulsively, but never really thought there was a way out.
In retrospect, I learned that the career field I ultimately chose, as a sign language interpreter, was a career that many people choose when they want to remain distant. I only had to face people when I was at a job. It was a safe place to be while hiding the real addiction problem. I was bound by self-hate, self-destructive behaviors and my escape was in food.
The “main event” that set me on the path to a healthy life was an interpreting opportunity that I thought would be interesting. A hearing impaired student wanted to take a dance class. Huh, go figure! So, I just had to say yes!
When the class started, I learned that Luana was the instructor. She respected her students in a way I had never seen before. It didn’t matter if you were young, old, fat or skinny. Everyone was equal. They were her dancers and she was proud of them. I was so impressed I decided to take her classes the next semester.
One event all the dance classes had in common was the dance concert at the end of the school year. I decided that I wanted to be involved. The name of our dance was, Like Dust We Rise. The theme of the dance was Freedom. Freedom from lies, hurts, habits or hang-ups that were keeping us from being who we were meant to be. As props, we were given a rope. This rope represented a personal bondage. We had to choreograph something to represent this stronghold and its release. I thought, “Could I be released from my bondage?”
Through this experience I felt that maybe I could do anything. Could I dance? Could I be free from the hate, the sadness, and the body that I was struggling so hard to live in?
We had about six weeks to work on our portion while learning the rest of the dance. I struggled with this to the point of anxiety. What could I really and truly let go? What was I willing to relinquish and never pick up again? During one of the practice sessions, I was given a very special role. I was to hold the rope of the lead dancer while she struggled with her bondage. The rope was attached around her waist while I held the other end off stage. Through this part of the dance, we silently shared our struggles as we became one.
Awakening the Dancer Within
As I struggled to make something out of my rope, I finally accepted the fact that my body was my stronghold. My low self-esteem and my size was my biggest stumbling block. By the time we were to perform on stage, I realized that I truly wanted to dance. I wanted to overcome any and all obstacles that would prevent me from dancing. I didn’t care if I was fat or ugly. I just wanted to dance pressing through the physical pain and limitations.
As a result of this revolation, I wrote a poem. This poem details the process my mind and body was going through towards my total release. Have you every tried to dance at 200 pounds in front of hundreds of people? Next, realize this whole thing was a personal journey that could potentially change someone's life? I’d like to share this poem with you now.
AWAKENING ©
My heart is aflame with new desire!
Like a rosebud bursting into a flower
Full of color and fragrance.
Although my hands ache with each aerial movement,
I must realize the new passion welling up inside me.
I must move on to higher levels, deeper understanding.
Dance.... A birthing from deep within!
A passion unlike anything yet experienced!
Dance.... A fuller spiritual awareness!
Bodies, locked in memories silenced, trapped in abstract words separated from reality.
Words and language cannot unlock their souls.
What is their language?
Touching, feeling, gestures and sounds? It’s there!
Bodies, normal outside. In travail inside.
Laughing, saying everything is fine.
Shadows, darkness lurk in deep places.
Dance.... Mirrors, smooth clear waters reflect what is real!
Movement, cannot hide.... JOY!
AWAKENING!!
In 1999, I started my research into weight loss surgery. It took me a year to process the fact that I was not a failure, and I was doing this to better my health, and not as a sign of giving up or failing. Once the decision was made, the process went super fast. I had a date within a few months and had the Mini-gastric Bypass (MGB) on May 28, 2000. I never regretted my decision and would do it again in a heartbeat. And yes, I am still dancing!
Every decision, choice and experience enriches life. There will be times of trial and trouble, but if you think about it, everything works out for the best if you have faith. I look forward with great expectations and know that great things will come in their time. All I have to do is wait and watch expectantly. There is a quote that I always share with those who feel they could never amount to much and it is, “Dance as if no one is watching.”
Just do what your heart desires. You know deep down you have a passion for something. You may have to go over obstacles and make some hard choices, but hang in there. The birthing process is amazing!
 | ABOUT THE AUTHOR Paula Warner had a Minigastric Bypass (MGB) on 5/29/2000, and has lost 107 pounds. She is an ObesityHelp Support Group Leader and believes in supporting others on their own WLS journey. To continue her passion for paying it forward, Paula completed the OH Bariatric Coaching class. In 2013, she obtained a Cleveland Clinic certification in Curves Complete which involved extensive training in nutrition, exercise and coaching. Paula works as a Nanny to a special needs child, and a Caregiver to the child's grandparents. |
