5 Steps to Improve Your Relationships After WLS
March 2, 2016“Wow, I haven’t seen you since last year. You look amazing! I don’t know what you did to lose the weight – but whatever it was – keep it up!”
“You are just shrinking away to nothing ... oh … you had weight loss surgery? Hmm … I heard most people gain all of their weight back plus more. “
These are examples of comments we might hear when we get together with family or friends after having weight loss surgery. We can get both encouraging and “challenging” comments about our success. They come from those who are close to us, friends, relatives, co-workers or business associates. In order to help us maintain healthy relationships, it might be wise to take a closer look at them as we go forward into living healthier lives. Relationships should be evaluated in light of the many changes going on in and around us after weight loss surgery.
The changes and challenges that we deal with as a patient are much different than those of our family and friends, who are in a very real sense, outsiders to our experience. On our part, we are losing weight quickly, feeling better, enjoying new clothes, as well as the indescribable feeling of being in real control for the first time in our lives.
What seldom occurs to us is that those we love and hold dear are along for the ride with us and are also dealing with those same things – but in an external way. We might not even know they are on the ride with us because we are goal driven and too busy going forward to see who is with us … or maybe who we left behind.
If this sounds like your experience, perhaps it’s time to pause and evaluate the relationships around you and decide if you should act on what was revealed to you in that process. How do you do that? Let me make a few suggestions:
Relationship Evaluation After WLS
1. At the top of three separate pieces of paper, write down the 3 people you are closest with. These are the relationships you value the most. Later you can decide if you want to broaden this to other relationships. For me, it was my husband and our two children. I then broadened it to two friends at church.
2. Pause and reflect, and then write about how they have responded to the changes in your life as a result of WLS. Has your time with them minimized since your surgery? Are they no longer available to get together? Are they making encouraging comments? Snarky comments? Are they not talking to you anymore? Write your thoughts down. Write down what comes to your mind first. Be open and honest when you think through this. I had a friend that told me before WLS that when I lost weight that she would no longer speak to me. I thought that it was a joke and laughed when she told me. However, I soon discovered that she meant it and I was, of course, very hurt.
3. Add the responses you have had to them since WLS. Have you ignored them because of their negativity? Have you enjoyed their encouraging words? Did you sit down and talk to them about how you both feel concerning the changes that you are going through? If a patient decides they no longer want to engage in an unhealthy habit (or behavior) they have previously shared with a friend or family member, they will talk to that person about it. Sometimes they do this in a harsh manner without concern for the other person’s perspective.
4. Write down suggestions of what you need to do as a result of your thinking process above. Will you spend more time with them? Do you need to talk to them about the negative comments they made and let them know that they are hurtful? Do you need to thank them for encouraging you along your journey? Do you need to apologize for comments that you made that were hurtful? Do you need to minimize the time spent with them or terminate the relationship? Take the time to work on this part. It is very important to spend the time in thoughtful reflection. These are friends and family – the people that you acknowledged in step #1 that are important to you.
5. Follow through on your plan. Schedule when you are going to do the things that you revealed to yourself that need to be done. Resolution is important if you want to move on and keep these relationships or build on them. Don’t procrastinate.
There are additional things to take into consideration as you evaluate your relationships. You are going to have to be proactive if you want to maintain good relationships—but it is possible. You need to invest time and effort in the people and relationships you hold dear. People need other people and healthy relationships are worth the effort we invest in them.
 | ABOUT THE AUTHOR Laura Van Tuyl is a 12 year RNY post-op. Since having her weight loss surgery, Laura has been actively involved in several online and face-to-face support groups. Laura has many years of experience mentoring people in varying contexts, as well as WLS. It is her heart felt desire to see weight loss surgery patients thriving in all areas of their lives. |
