skylark2011
Body dysmorphia or reality?
Sep 02, 2018
I have become more concerned with my appearance. And I dont like it. And its uncomfortable. Its like that bible verse about the person that goes away from the mirror and immediately forgets what they look like. I can see myself, but I think that I am losing healthy perspective. I am working out regularly, staying mostly to a low carb way of eating, and still grateful and relieved for the increased freedom that my VSG has given me. I really like the way my clothes fit, I love all of the clothing combinations that I can create, and can purchase now and not break the bank, but lately I have been genuinely surprised that my pants are fitting, or I will literally look in the mirror in wonder at the person staring back at me...its like there is some residual pre-WLS notch in my brain that still hasnt truly accepted where I am. And it seems to be growing.
I am extremely sensitive and aware of exposed parts of my body - my arms especially. It is way too hot to be outside in long sleeves, so I will wear tanks and short sleeves, but I am extremely uncomfortable with the way that my skin pools to the front of my arms when I bend down to pick up something in a tank top or short sleeves, and I am hyper-aware of the way that peoples eyes gravitate to my arms when they are talking to me, evenwhen I am not bending down. If I drop something I will hold some object in front of me, like a piece of paper or anything, so that the arm that I am not using to pick up the object can't be seen. I will hold my arms really close to my body when reaching for things so that the skin doesnt swing, which still causes peoples eyes to gravitate to my arms. If I have to reach for something, I have this super weird and super obvious way of doing it, holding my arms super close to my body as much as possible while reaching for it...it reminds me of a tyrannosaurus. When I am inside I don a cardigan, long sleeved shirt or wear 3/4 sleeves, no matter what. Bottom line is that Ive developed weird habits that I feel are better than my batwings swinging freely as I perform some activity. It all adds to the discomfort.
I can honeslty & freely say that I dont resent it, but it definitely causes some unhappinees. Granted, this unhappiness is nowhere near what I felt when I was morbidly obese, still, having dealt with 'background' unhappiness before, it can be very unhealthy for me, and compound, and lead to full on depression. I know that I will have to do something about this, one way or another. Because of WLS and a rotator cuff repair, I know that my body scars easily, and I have accepted that it is simply the way that my body heals and there is nothing that I can do about it. But I can do something about this.
