Question:
Will my husband every understand?

I am married to the most wonderful man you can imagine and I am really hurt that he does not support my decision to have surgery (I am scheduled for 5-12) He understands me better than anyone and of all people knows how much my weights affects me but he is not supportive at all of my decision to have surgery. This is very hurtful to me because I have tried to give him websites to go to and talk to him but he has his opinion and his opinion only. What can I do that I haven't already done to get him to understand?    — Tami G. (posted on March 31, 2000)

March 31, 2000
I can totally relate to you. My husband was the exact same way. I now know why. Because my husband is very insecure (as alot of men are) and my being heavy didnt pose a threat to him. He knew many men werent looking my way. So, he knew that he would not lose me to another man. I think it is just fear, that once you lose your weight, you will find someone else. But, as I told my husband, I love you now, I always have an always will, that will never change. He eventually accepted it, and then after all my weight was off and he seen I did not find someone else he has said many times how glad he is I went ahead and done it. I know you wil get through this, and it will be well worth it in the end. Best wishes.........
   — [Anonymous]

March 31, 2000
Tami, does your surgeon provide a trained psychiatrist, psychologist, MSW for you to talk to prior to your surgery? I think that it is imperative for your husband to be onboard. Drag him screaming to a professional counselor trained in the treatment of weight loss surgery patients. You should see the couselor as a "couple." Your husband's help will be integral in your successful recovery. Sincerely, HD Matthias, M.D.
   — Heddy-Dale M.

March 31, 2000
Hi Tami, I have to agree with everything that Cheryl said in her post. I asked my husband why he was so agaist me having surgery, when I read your post. He replied with "things were good, and I saw no reason to change them..." BINGO! Our husbands are afraid that once we have this surgery, our relationships will change. And in a way, they do...for me for the better. There are things in our relationship that I can do now that I couldn't do before because of my weight. But also, I am a happier person now. I am not so miserable and making everyone else miserable. I guess that the bottom line is that most men are afraid of change. When we change we throw a kink in their happy "normal" life. Hope this makes some sort of sense...LOL I would explain to him how much you love him and understand his fears, because my husband had fears too, about me not making it. But I also told him I wouldn't be around all our lives if I didn't have the surgery. I guess my persistence in letting him know I still planned on having surgery, with or without his support, finally brought him around. And now that I am 8 months post op, he is very supportive of me and LOVES how much happier I am and not making everyone miserable. And yes, he admits I look good too =) Good Luck, Tami....Marni
   — Marni

March 31, 2000
Is your husband obese as well? This might offer an explanation. If he is obese, and you are on your way to really slimming down, this might make him feel very insecure about himself as a husband and as a lover. He might feel that the "new you" won't have any use for him. The best you can do is assure him this is not the case, and that WITH the surgery, you are looking forward to a VERY, VERY long life together. (My grandparents were married for 70 years, and I always remember that with awe and wonder.) If he is not obese, then there are other reasons. Fear of you "dying on the table" is certainly a common one. Give him several materials to read so that he can become better educated about the procedure. He might also feel that the "new you" will be more atttractive to other men, therefore making him insecure. Take him to see your surgeon. Better yet, take him to a support group meeting if you can. He will meet other spouses who have the same fear and will be able to see firsthand how many HAPPY people are at this meeting. He may feel that your obesity is just not a problem for him, and that is wonderful that he does not judge you, as so much of society and other men judge us. But the bottom line is that you are not doing this for your good looks (although that will certainly be a HUGE plus for both of you, right? - time to plan some fun:)) - you are doing this for your health and your well being. If he cannot agree with you, at least ask him to support you willingly (and not begrudgingly). Good luck and hang in there! If he loves you, he will come around eventually. Gather OTHER people around you now who WILL give you the support you need and deserve. My own surgery is May 10, so I will be thinking of you in the hospital.
   — Paula G.