Question:
Any suggestions on telling my parents who will not be very keen on this?
I am pretty much set to go on this surgery. The only problem is letting my family & parents know. I KNOW FOR A FACT that they will not be very responsive to this. It is so important to me to have their support not necessarily their okay to do it because I know they will not understand. I still live with my parents so I kind of need to tell them. Otherwise I wouldn't tell them at all. I am so afraid they will try to talk me out of it. I really need to do this for my health. I know this is my decision & my body but it isn't that easy to tell people that. Where do I draw the line on what family members to tell & not to tell. I am so dreding the responses & looks I will get when I tell some people. Any stories or things that helped would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!! — [Anonymous] (posted on October 15, 2001)
October 14, 2001
I was worried about the very same thing. What I did was I wrote my parents
a long letter. I am better at writing my feelings than saying them. This
way I got to say what I wanted and needed to say without interruption. I
also included information about the surgery that my surgeon had given me.
That way they had my letter plus the surgery info to go along with it. You
can also print info you find on the internet here. If you would like to see
my letter, email me and I will send it to you......It made a world of
difference. I thought my parents would flip out, especially my mom. But I
must say I was very surprised. She knew how I have been struggling with
trying to lose weight. They weren't real crazy about me having major
surgery but at the same time, they knew my mind was made up and nothing
they would say would change my mind, so instead, I got support from them.
At one point they hinted at "why can't you just try a diet again"
and I shut off the conversation real quick. Told them that THAT was exactly
what I did NOT want to hear from them. So now, even though they are worried
about me having this major surgery, they support me 100%. That's the way it
should be.
— Kim B.
October 14, 2001
Well when I first decided to have surgery, I knew my parents wouldnt be too
"keen" on the idea either. I can tell that what I did, was get as
much information for them to read, and pamplets and studies from my
surgeon. I approached them with the assistance of my husband, and told
them, that I had decided to do this for my much needed health. My father
was like well its your body and your choice, my mother on the other hand
was scared to death. Of course she had heard the stories of the person that
knew someone that died etc. After talking to them, explaining to them, and
giving them the research my husband and I had done (might I add I
researched for almost 2 yrs before I decided the go ahead on this). I also
included my mother in going to the surgeons office with my husband and I,
so that she could talk to nurses, and talk to some post op people. I
figured it would set some fears to rest. The day of my surgery my mother
and my husband was beside me. I know they were extremly worried, but I know
they knew It was basically my decision, and any risks I was willing to
take. My story is a happy one. I had NO complications, and after 3 days in
the hospital I came home, and resumed a normal life. I had more energy
after surgery then I had before, and I felt wonderful and didnt have any
problems. I realize that I am one of the lucky ones that have not
encountered any problems, with eating, exercise, or even energy. I stayed
positive, and was not gonna allow myself to get into a rut. I think what
you have to keep in mind is not that they DONT want you to have this
surgery. That most of it is fear, of the unknown and you need to take this
opportunity to educate them, give them the facts, and respect their views,
BUT that doesnt mean you have to change your mind or not have surgery. It
just means you put it all out there for them to make a educated decision
just like you did, and hope that they will stand behind you. If you get
negative remarks, (Which I did from my sister who is a RN) I just told her,
that I loved her, and I respected her opinion but that I had made my
decision and hoped she could respect mine as well.Good Luck and Stay Strong
and Positive! 4 Months Post op and Down almost 75lbs.
— Ann A.
October 14, 2001
My family has never said anything against my choice, they just didn't say
much at all. When I got my approval, I sent them all an email with the
address of this site. This gave them the chance to get as much information
as they wanted. My 27 year-old son thinks the before and after pictures are
great.
— Diane D.
October 15, 2001
Hi, I am 20, just recently transferred to a college close to home, and have
moved in with my parents. A couple of weeks ago I let my mom in on my
plans too. At first she was shocked and kind of ignored me. Then she
argued with me about it. She called it unnatural and all the rest... but
since I am confident in my decision, I don't really care. They don't treat
me like a kid anymore so they wouldn't ever try to stop me from doing it,
but I know they're not interested really. My boyfriend is the only support
and has agreed to come out with me to California and let me recoup at his
place in Mass. for a while. You definitely need some support, but it need
not be from parents. I've given up on mine, and we just don't talk about it
now. Come a few weeks before my surgery I will probably say "hey, I'm
off to Californa... be back with rearragned guts" or something to that
effect, lol. Explain to them why you're doing what you're doing... and if
they don't understand, don't let it deter you and don't just keep arguing
about it. Just let it go as "it's my decision, I'd really like your
support, but if you can't support me then lets just not talk about it
anymore". You can't convince people who have their minds made up.
— [Anonymous]
October 15, 2001
Fortunately, my family is very supportive. I've been overweight my whole
life and it has been a continuous struggle...diet after diet since the age
of seven or eight. They know what I have been through. But, some of my
friends, close, close friends didn't exactly express support in the
beginning of my journey. I've gotten everything from "why don't you
just work out every day", to "it just doesn't sound natural or
safe", to "what if you become a real b--ch after you lose
weight?". They just didn't know any better about. It's not like I've
gone through life complaining to my friends about how hard it is to live
like this. I took the time to explain the surgery, and convinced them that
I had done my research and knew exactly what I was getting into. Like one
of the posters before said, I showed them the before and after pics on this
site. The "wow factor" was helpful. :) Most importantly, for
the first time in my life I was very frank in telling just how painful it
is to go through life morbidly obese, I gave examples of the things I used
to be to embarrassed to admit - and how if I don't have this done it will
only become harder. I think if you can make your family understand just
how difficult it would be for them to walk a mile in your shoes and that
you have a chance for a longer, healthier, and quite honestly, easier life,
then maybe they'll bring themselves to support you. Best of luck to you.
Remember that this is your life and if you need support you can always come
here. :)
— PaulaM
October 15, 2001
I felt the same way you did. My family is pretty much all
"healthy" and normal size. So them finding out that I was having
this surgery was very embarressing. But they talked to me and to my
surprise they understood. Those who care about you will be supportive even
if they don't comepletly understand. As far as parents....my mom was great.
She was right by my side from start to finish. Your parents sound like my
dad. It took me til I got a date to call my dad and tell him. He didn't
understand the surgery and of course he asked his questions, but I stood my
ground and he knew there was nothing he could say or do to change my mind.
So just be straight and honest with them. If you are sure this is what you
want...then stick with your decision and don't beg for their understanding.
They will come around!!!!
— Tammy K.
October 15, 2001
I too was worried about what my family would say when I told them. But,
the most important thing you must remember is that it is your body and it
is your decision. It took a while for my family to accept it. I tried
everything to gain their approval. I tried to educate them and they
weren't interested. I just had to tell them that this was something I was
going to do. I listened to their comments and concerns and then politely
and matter of factly told them that I appreciate and have listened to what
they had to say and that I'm still going ahead with it anyway and that if
they didn't approve, they should keep it to themselves. My mom came around
after I gave her the book written by Michelle Boasten about WLS. It was
very informative. I also wrote my own comments in the book so she was able
to read them. It really helped. As for the rest...I'm almost 3 weeks
post-op and after they realized they couldn't talk me out of it, they were
great. They have been great ever since. Good luck. please contact me if
I can help in anyway.
— Kelley S.
October 15, 2001
Well, one thing is- most times these people are not your medical advisors,
or know anything about WLS. I basically told my family, "I have this
condition, and my Endo suggested this operation"... after researching
myself and deciding to do it- I visited the surgeon. I informed my family
then that "he felt it would benefit me"... Everyone in my family
had an opinion- but they weren't the one making my decision. Neither was
my husband. It is my body, my decision, end of subject. One thing that
really bothered me, is that there was even discussion from any one who
never even researched it. How can they have such a strong opinion about
something they know nothing about? If they didn't come to the table
prepared, I didn't even bother discussing it with them. Tell them to
"get educated" before you discuss this with them- as you are not
there to "convince them" or get their "permission"....
— Karen R.
October 15, 2001
I have had a lot of negative response from the immediate family and close
friends that I have chosen to tell. At first I felt guilty then I went
Whoa!!! They were trying to manipulate me into doing what they wanted
because I am the ultimate people pleaser and caretaker around here. I
finally saw this and said okay, this is for ME and it's okay for me to do
something good for just me!!! I quit discussing WLS with everyone and am
forging ahead and now that everyone sees my confidence in my decision and
how I am quitely moving forward with plans now they are starting to come
around and ask questions and even offer help and support!!! I deserve to
feel good and look nice. I deserve to fit in an amusement park ride, find
decent clothes to wear, and make it through a day without exhaustion.
— Aimee P.
October 15, 2001
I was kind of sneaky about telling my parents. I knew I couldn't keep it a
secret, so at first I simply told my mom and dad that I was going to a
doctor who was going to help me lose weight. I let them know that he was
doing a lot of tests which would determine my best course of action. (Not a
lie). I had also researched my surgeon's credentials, so I was able to
praise the doctor for being an expert in his field (Also very true). In
the meantime, I did mention that surgery is an option for weight control
(althougth I did not mention that it was my chosen course of action at the
time). After I had my appointment with the surgeon, my mom and dad asked
me how the meeting went, at which time I told them that this doctor highly
recommended surgery and just laid the facts out on the line to them. By
easing them into this, it wasn't so much of a shock and I was able to gain
their full support.
Like you said, you need this for your health and they should respect you
for that. Ultimately, the decision is yours alone to make. Good luck!
— Cristy K.
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