Question:
How to get family to suppoert me.

My family is not so happy about this surgery, I am just looking into it and they already saying, why do you want to mutilate you body that you were givin. there worried about me going under the knife. how do I tell them that it is for myself and make them understand??? any help would help me here.    — Bonnie B. (posted on April 26, 2000)

April 26, 2000
I am so sorry to here about your family not supporting you. Just tell them to pray for you. Because you have made up your mind that this is something you need to do for yourself. I told a few people about what I was doing just to keep down the negativity. My mother wasn't too supported. We sat down and talk about what her fears were. Besides she knew I had already made up my mind. This was something I had to do for myself. i was eating myself to death. Now that the surgery is over I have found something else to do with my time besides eat. You won't regret the surgery. Good Luck to you.
   — Sharon T.

April 26, 2000
I know you must care what your family thinks but you must do what you feel is right for you. Do they understand the dangers of not having this surgery. My family wanted to know about the risks and how I really felt and now they understand they are behind me 100 %. My mother thinks it won't work for me but I know it will. I have a new grandson and I want to be around to see him grow up and be able to do things with him that are now just about impossible. Maybe they could go to the doctor's with you and he can answer their questions better than anyone, I know it helped my family. Please just do this for yourself, not for someone else.
   — [Anonymous]

April 26, 2000
I decided prior to my surgery, (May 19 tent), that I would only tell a select number of people. Of course my husband, who is not pro elective surgery, but when I pointed out the small percent of something bad 'maybe' happening to me during surgery, as opposed to what 'will' happen to me if I continue at this weight, he agreed. My brother and sister and one daughter will know...not my mother, nor my husbands family---until after. I chose this route because I felt that there would be less pressure this way. My decision is mine. Afterwards when I tell them , I am sure there will be those who still talk negatively....but hey, people always talk negatively at people with weight problems so we should be used to it! Good Luck!
   — Carole C.

April 26, 2000
Bonnie, what you said is near and dear to my heart because I have experienced the same thing with my family. First and foremost, it is YOUR body and YOUR decision. I understand your need completely for wanting those closest to you to understand and support your decision, and it is so frustrating and HURTFUL that they do not. Second, you can only change yourself, not other people, and no matter how badly you want and need their support, you may not get it. Carefully seek out a close friend or one of your WLS buddies for the moral support you need (and very much deserve). I highly recommend you go to a support group meeting, and you will find so many others who have been where you are right now. Take your family members along. They will see firsthand the wonderful changes that occur. I believe there are 3 main reasons why they react so - 1) genuine concern for your well being. I even had 2 doctors tell me "you could die on the table". Well this is true. I have a less than 1% chance of dying from WLS. But I have a 20-30% chance of dying from heart disease and diabetes. Also, if I am going to have a heart attack, I would rather do it on the table in a room full of surgeons and medical equipment than in my car on the highway. It is perfectly natural for them to be frightened, and the best you can do is educate them about the surgery. 2) The second reason is power. Some family members may use your weight to exert an unhealthy control over you. If your spouse is also obese, he may feel that this will change the relationship, and that you will not love him the same way. Try to alay his fears now. 3) The third reason is ignorance. Many of us have heard well meaning people say things like, "well I heard so and so had it done, and it didn't work", or "I heard she died from the surgery" or "he put all of his weight back on". By researching this procedure to the best of your ability, you will have the power (knowledge is power) to put these uneducated, unsubstantiated, and silly comments where they belong - in the trash. I would recommend that you make copies of some basic WLS info and ask your family members to read. Having said that, I will tell you of my own experience with this. I made a great effort to give good, easy-to-understand materials to my parents. I have no doubt that they read SOME of it, but I also feel they were quite selective in what they read. When they visited me over Easter, this was very apparent, and very frustrating that they were making so many uninformed comments even after they had supposedly read the materials. But by doing this you put the honus on them to become informed, and if they choose not to, that is THEIR problem, not your's. The body mutilation comment was disturbing, and only demonstrates their lack of understanding of what obesity is. Unfortunately they are not alone, as much of our society (including the medical profession) feel the same way. Would they say it was body mutilation if you were having your appendix taken out or having a heart transplant? I think not. The bottom line is that this is for your long term health and well being. Ask for their support, but don't beg. Keep them informed as you wish, but make it clear you are not seeking their approval. I wish you the very best, and feel free to e-mail me any time to chat. :)
   — Paula G.