Question:
Now that your body has changed, has the way you THINK of yourself changed too?
Greetings! I am a 3 year post-op who has leveled off in weight at about a 130lb loss. This whole experience has caused me to questions many things that I feel need addressing so... my graduate thesis will focus on this issue - subjective and objective identity. That is, how you "see" yourself, and how OTHERS see you. When we were fat, the worlds saw one aspect of us and made judgements accordingly. We ALSO had a view of ourselves when we were fat. My question is... are you now a FAT person in a thinnner body? Do you still think and respond as though you were still a part of THAT group, or... has something changed? Do you NOW, in your own mind, possess a new identity? Thin person? Pretty person? Sexy Person? NORMAL person? What is it for you? If your identity has changed from a FAT person to something else, how do you view members of that other group NOW? There was a question that touched on this last question but did not address it in detail. I would appreciate anyone who would take the time to answer these questions. Please feel free to contact me at the following email for more dialogue: [email protected] Thanks so much! — Patty W. (posted on December 3, 2004)
December 3, 2004
Am I fat person in a thinner body? I've lost 155 pounds, Ive recently had
an abdominal plasty. Honestly I do still feel like I'm a fat person, I
look in the mirror and still think I'm fat, I guess It's just that I've
been fat for so many years thats its really hard for me to believe that Im
no longer fat. But on the other hand, when I go into a restaurant I feel
so much better because Im not fat and I feel everyone is not saying to
themselves, "oh look at that fat person" I have more of a feeling
of self confidence when in public. But in my mind I think boy I should
loose more weight, cause Im still fat. I feel pretty compared to what I
used to look like, especially when I see pictures of the fat me. I put
makeup on when I go out now,, I wear perfume,, I dont do it for anyone
else, I do it for myself,, I want to look good for myself, it makes me feel
good,, its something that I havent done in years. Do I feel like a normal
person now? What is the definition of a normal person,, its not a good
thing that we all loose weight and now we classify ourselves as a
"normal person",, thats making it sound like we're saying that
all fat obese people (which we all were at one time) are not normal people.
Its not that I feel normal,, I feel better about myself,, healthier, tons
more energy, I can breath when walking, I know I feel and look better, but
normal,, no never,, I dont think theres any such thing as a normal person.
When I see an obese person now,, I think wow I used to look like that,,
thank god I no longer do,, I also hope that one day that person will loose
weight, because life will be so much better for them. I at times look
closer at the person too and think gee how pretty she will be if she were
smaller. Do I think Im mean for thinking these things,, NO,,because I was
them a couple of years ago.
— Amy Hoffman
December 3, 2004
I am 2 years post WLS. I have lost 225 pounds. I weigh 125 pounds now and
wear size 8--down from 28. It took me 18 months for my mind's image to
catch up with my physical image.I saw myself as fat all that time. I
realized that I looked different but did not think of myself as normal. I
certainly didn't see myself as thin, even when everyone told me I was
getting too thin.I think and respond differently now. I feel sorry for
obese people and think "You could do something about your size".
When I see someone eating a huge amount of food ( like I used to do), I
just want to rush over and say "Do you realize what you are doing to
yourself?" I am more confident and outgoing than before. I go places
and do things I wouldn't do when I was obese. It's a wonderful life and I
intend to be around a lot longer !!!Good luck with your study.
— dianne E.
December 3, 2004
I am not that far down the road yet but I have lost 115 lbs and still
going. I will be approaching my 6 month anniversary on Dec 21st. I think
I will always be the FAT person. But now its the FAT person that is
healthy. I can do alot more with the 115 lbs gone and it feels good. I
find in my journey that I am having a hard time dealing with things that
are emotional or confrontational. I am chalking it up to the fact my
hormones are all wacked and I cannot use food anymore to hide from these
demons! This has been the hardest part for me to deal with. I have always
been critized so it is also very hard for me to deal with praise. I have
survived so long without praise that I don't know how to deal with it.....I
do say thank you but after awhile the praise of the loss starts to annoy
me. I start thinking that I am not a normal person if I cannot accept
praise right? Or perhaps I never could accept praise and that is how I got
to be the SO person that I was. Its funny I thought when I went into this
surgery that the only thing I would deal with was food issues. Boy was I
wrong. I think people see me as a BITCH these days and wish I would shove a
donut in my mouth! I view others as they are and try not to judge. I
never liked being judged and still don't. I do have a friend who is
putting on the weight like I did and I feel bad for him. His health is
failing and he does not recognize it yet. Sometimes talking does not help
(especially in my case) so it is that person's responsbility to realize
that they have a problem. I guess we are very much like AA people just our
addiction is different. We need to get to the point of no return or rock
bottom before our eyes are opened. Although we try to get on the diet
horse several times with little success and get bucked off! I have looked
at this surgery as my last resort to be healthy again. I am going to make
the best and keep it going. I have a long road ahead of me and its not
going to be easy. But I am ready and I will deal with it!
— dcox94
December 5, 2004
Patty,<br>I had surgery 10/03/01, so I am now a little over 3 years
post op. I started at 265 and a size 24, lost down to 135 and a size 6,
and finally settled at 145-150 and an 8/10.<br><br>The main
difference between who I WAS and who I NOW am is the fact that my weight
and my size is NOT on the forefront of my mind at every given moment. The
freedom from the fat bondage is gone and that is a HUGE weight off my
shoulders. It allows me to think about all the ohter things in my
life.<br>Being three years out, my mind has caught up with my body
and I no longer feel like the fat girl. I feel normal. I still have my
moments of 'fattness' when I lament over gaining 15lbs, but in the whole
scope of reality, I am at my initial goal and size.<br><br>I do
not posess a new identity, and I feel that the hope of that is detrimental
to pre-ops and new post-ops. You will not become a new person, the same
old things you have going on now will continue to be present. You do gain
confidence, but your whole world does not change because you now are thin.
<br><br>How do I view those that are heavy now that I am thin?
The same as I always have, just another person in this world. We are all
different, that is the beauty of our world. My life has moved passed this
surgery and the dealings with it. I now have many other focuses. I come
here to keep me grounded in the fact that I am NOT a normal thin person, I
have differences. At the same time, I hope to be of service to those that
are just beginning this process. I hope I have helped in what you are
looking for. If I can be of further service, feel free to email me.
~~Becky
— RebeccaP
December 5, 2004
Hi Patty! I went from 315# to 117# in 18 months. For the past 7 months, I
have maintained this weight loss. I would definately categorize myself as
a fat person in a thin body. In fact, I was on the tv show Life &
Style for a makeover a couple months ago and one clip that they used was of
me saying those exact words. I still think of myself as being
"fat" even though no one who looks at me does. I feel as if my
being fat in in remission and that some day I will wake up weighing 315
again. I am trying to change my mind-set.
I have not been able to. I guess I thought that I'd automatically feel
sexy & pretty. If only it were that simple. How's this one for
strange - I look in the mirror & see myself as overwight, but in
photographs I see myself as emaciated. I think that's odd. The one thing
that I've noticed is that I have ained confidence in myself from setting a
goal (weight loss) & achieving it. This has spawned confidence to try
other things. I have always wanted to try things & experience life,
but I was afraid of being seen as a rediculous fat person, so I didn't do
much. Now, I have the confidence to do what I want to do and I'm
physically able to do things that before I couldn't. All of this is slowly
helping me change my view of myself, and with that my view of the world. I
have relized that for me, change will come from the inside out, not the
outside in (as I'd hoped it would).
— klinzey
December 5, 2004
Congrats on your weightloss! These are some very provocative questions
you've posed, & I'm glad you got my wheels turning. I'm almost 20
months out. I started at 295 & a size 26. I've stabilized at 145 &
a size 10. I'm thrilled that I'm finally the normal weighted person that
was always screaming to get released from the fat. As far back as I can
remember I felt I was being held prisoner by my own body. I wasn't able to
express who I really was because I was smothered by fat. I think that is
why I never experienced a transition period because I'm finally who I was
meant to be. Now I have had ocassional instances of "still thinking
like a fat person." An example would be that I find myself being very
cautious when I sit in a lawn chair. My body memory is still afraid it
could collapse! Gotta put the kiddos to bed. Will try to post later...Feel
free to email me at [email protected]
— fowlerloriann
December 5, 2004
OK, the children are nestled all snug in their beds...
I guess I feel my true identity has finally been exposed. I don't think of
myself as thin per se but normal anyway. For the first time in my life I do
feel sexy & pretty. I can finally wear clothes I only used to dream of
wearing. Like a previous poster said, the dark cloud of fat no longer casts
a shadow over everything I do. The fat is no longer a factor in every
aspect of my life.
As for how I view people that have weight problems, I believe I still have
empathy. I usually think to myself,"If they only knew about wls or
would only consider it, their life could be so much better." If I
could think of a socially acceptable way of sharing my experience with
strangers I would. Best wishes with your thesis Patty! Would love to read
it when it's finished!
— fowlerloriann
December 5, 2004
I'm a little over 3 years post-op too. I had a VERY hard time as seeing
myself as a thin person. I would say over the past 8 months I FINALLY see
the thin person that I really am. I get told all the time "how
tiny" I am (trust me, that was REAL difficult to believe!!). I also
now have men who look at me MUCH differently then before who tell me
"what a hot body" I have (again, VERY difficult to believe). I
think the more you hear it, the more you start to believe it. I know when
I was fat, I would see a thin person who "wanted to lose 5
pounds" and I would think "b#$ch!! Now, I'm that person.
However, I have seen prejudice from both sides of the fence. When I was
fat, I was discriminated against by thin people who saw me as a fat blob.
Now that I'm thin, I've had fat people look at me and make comments (not
knowing where I came from) and I tell them what I used to weigh and all of
a sudden, it's like I'm there best friend!! So I've found that
discrimination runs both ways.
— Patty H.
December 6, 2004
Maybe I'm not far enough out to see it, but my weight has been pretty much
stabilized for a year, so I think that's given my mind enough time to catch
up. I am still a fat person. My clothes are normal sized (usually a 12,
which isn't small, but so much smaller than my pre-op 28/30), but I don't
mentally feel much different than I did 20 months ago. I still look for
the sturdy chair, am wary of trying to fit between small spaces, still see
a big girl looking back at me in the mirror. I had several plastic
surgeries over the summer, and that helped quite a bit to recognize the
naked me as a more normal person, but I still feel fat, and think I look
fat in most clothes. I have only a few times thought that some people now
treat me differently as an apparent normal-sized person (strangers tend to
be more helpful), but not often. When I see a large person, I identify
with him or her on a basic level. I think I always will, and that I will
always think of myself as a fat person living in a normal-sized body.
— Vespa R.
December 6, 2004
Patty, boy this question struck a nerve with me, and many others. I am very
grateful that you are asking these questions because the answers are very
important for us all to consider. I am 4 months post-op, down 67 pounds. I
am feeling so much better and getting compliments left and right. I am very
pleased that people notice that I'm feeling and looking better. However, I
do get my feathers ruffled when people say things like, "you are a
whole new person", or, "now you will find happiness", or
"don't you feel good about yourself now?", or "soon you will
be a knock-out." Like I was some kind of pathetic loser because I was
not a size 6. Here's the thing: I never EVER felt that I was inferior to
anyone in any way for being overweight. If I had felt that it was a fate
worse than death,(a feeling shared by many thin people), than I would have
taken drastic measures long before I reached almost 360 lbs. I was never
very concerned about my weight untill I started to have trouble walking and
being active,(and clothes became hard to find). I was also very concerned
about the long-term health effects like high blood pressure, diabetes and
stroke. But I always felt that I was attractive and I always tried to dress
nice and still wore spike heels untill I was almost 300 lbs. I was happy, I
liked myself, and I did not feel that gaining alot of weight made me a
different person from when I was thin. I have always considered myself a
"normal" person. People come in all shapes and sizes, and for
different reasons(heredity, illness, medications, metabolism, thyroid,
childbirth, etc.)and I feel it is wrong for anyone to judge me in either
direction: to say I'm better for being thin, or to say I'm worse for being
fat. I'm still me, and I have value. Being an attractive person is so not
dependent on how much or how little one weighs. There are many other
factors. It's true that I do feel sexier since I have lost some of the
weight, but I can honestly say it is because I don't waddle, sweat, or limp
when I walk anymore, and I can carry myself with more grace than before. I
think I will be sad if there are people in my life who have never given me
the time of day who, once I lose the weight, suddenly start paying
attention to me and liking me more. Because my response will be,
"Where have YOU been all this time? I've been right here. Take a
hike." As for the head thing, I still find myself browsing thru
plus-size catalogues, or avoiding that certain lawn-chair, or thinking that
I need to drive somewhere close because it does not occur to me that I can
now walk. But I feel this is natural, and it is just because I have been
heavy for so long, and I must get used to my healther body. It will pass.
As for the way I view fat people, well I still am one. But, when I see
someone heavier than me, I can empathize with how difficult it must be for
them. I do not feel as if I will be transfering from the "fat
group" to the "skinny group". I have always had a real issue
with people who judge others for their body shape, and I will continue to
do so, even when I get thin. I can honestly say this because years ago when
I was thin, I had fat friends and family members that I did not feel
superior to. And even then I was offended if someone wanted to date me or
be my friend because of the way I looked (and it did happen). So, the
bottom line is, I am me, and I will always be me, fat or thin, and I hope
that that is what will matter most to others. One time when I was around
250 lbs., a male friend said, "if only you'd lose the weight, you'd be
a real knock-out." I gave him a steady, level stare, and said,
"I'm a knock-out now and don't you forget it." LOL
— [Deactivated Member]
December 6, 2004
No.<br>
17 months ago, I weighed 227 lbs, which made this 5'0" girl look like
a flesh-colored soccer ball. I had been fat my entire adult life, having
blown up from 140 as a senior (still pretty chubby for someone my height)
to 190 within 6 months of graduating. More than anything, I've always
wanted to be "normal." I convinced myself that if I ever lost the
weight, I would be normal. Guess what? I weigh 122 now, and I am FAR FROM
NORMAL.<br>
As I lost the weight, I began to change my life. I moved away from a place
that I hated (Buffalo, NY) to a place that I loved (California). I quit a
job that I hated (legal secretary) to work with people that I knew I could
help (I'm now a Manager at Curves). I got lasik vision correction and got
rid of my glasses. I've made a lot of changes and come very far in the past
17 months. It's still not enough.<br>
Every day at my job, I hear other women say things like "well, I'll
never look like you" or "I'll never be your size." While
those comments make me feel somewhat good, when I take off my clothes, I
want to cry. I have so much loose skin on my stomach, thighs, arms and
breasts...not to mention the loose skin on my neck and face. My face has
aged quite a bit, and I definitely look my 36 years, and even maybe a bit
older. I am able to fit into size 2's and 4's, but I know what is under the
clothing. I feel the complete POLAR OPPOSITE of sexy. I felt more sexy at
175 pounds 10 years ago. Now I feel that if I showed my body to anybody but
my boyfriend, they would run away, horrified at the sight.<br>
I don't mean to sound ungrateful (and I know that's exactly the way I'm
coming off), but I've come to realize something. I am still unhappy with
the person on the inside. I know that I need to work on that person. For
the past 6 months, all i've thought of is how I would possibly be able to
get reconstructive surgery to fix my skin problems. It was a shock to me to
realize that it would take a tummy tuck, a breast lift (possibly with
implants), a lower body lift, a brachioplasty, a neck lift, and botox
injections in between my eyebrows before I would feel normal. It makes me
sad to know that I have come so far, and still feel like a failure and a
reject. <br>
The moral of my (not so) little story is that it's so important to work on
your interior while working on the exterior. I haven't done that. There is
a REASON we built quilts of fat around us...to insulate us from the pain
we've experienced in our lives...to shield us from the coldness we've come
to anticipate. Don't wait until the weight has come off to work on your own
pain. Good luck to you and to everyone else who undertakes this journey.
(Open Proximal RNY, 7/7/03, 227/122/?)
— sweetmana
March 28, 2005
Well, I have a hard time seeing myself the way that others see me. I wear a
size 6 now, I used to wear a 20. When I look in the mirror I still see a
rather large girl. Then when I see pictures of myself I am shocked, who the
hell is that? I don't know if I won't allow myself to see me, how I am now,
or what. It's actually very strange. I know that I look good, but it's one
of those things that maybe I'll just never let go of. I am the former fat
chick, it's who I have become. I am not this new person that has forgotten
where I have come from, or a person that still believes they are what they
were. I am new, while holding on to the knowlege that I gained on the
journey. It seems the only way to go with this surgery. If you hold on to
all the old fears, you never move forward, but if you forget them, you
become this person you wouldn't have liked. So I make the best of the
situation, and live my life the best way that I can, combining the good and
bad of both sides, to make for a solid ground to build on.
— Yaga110
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