Question:
What do you do when your husband doesn't want you to have the surgery?
— [Anonymous] (posted on August 24, 2001)
August 23, 2001
I had the same problem with my husband. We went to the info session that
my surgeon requires patients to attend, and as we sat and listened to all
the information, my husband sat there shaking his head no. After the
session was over, I was so upset by his close mindedness, that we ended up
yelling at each other in the hallway at the hospital. I went home and
researched more info on the surgery and the surgeon and presented him with
the info. We did sit down and talk about it more, and here I am 4 months
post op, down 85 lbs. Everyone thinks he was afraid I would leave him after
I lost all the weight, since he has ever known me as overweight, of course
he does deny this.
I suggest you go into the library and search the word husband, there is a
lot of info in there that could assist you. Good Luck !!
— Andrea M.
August 23, 2001
Divorce him.
— merri B.
August 23, 2001
My husband was supportive in the beginning when I mentioned it to him, but
as time passed and the surgery date was approaching he totally changed his
mind and became a real jerk and did nothing but try to talk me out of it
and tell me he would diet with me etc. However, after the surgery I could
not believe the change in him. He totally took care of me and wouldn't let
me do anything that might hurt me or put me in any more pain than I already
was. He has been really great since. I think that your husband is worried.
I say go with your heart and everything will be ok. Good luck!
— Dawn H.
August 23, 2001
There are a couple of reasons I can think of that he may feel that way and
(MEN!) you may have trouble getting him to tell you what's behind his
attitude. 1) He may be insecure and feel that you will leave him after you
lose weight or 2) he may be afraid that you will die during the surgery. I
have to reassure my husband every few weeks that I will NOT leave him once
I lose all the weight. He knows it, but I have to tell him just for him to
hear it from the horse's mouth, so to speak. As for being afraid you will
die, my doctor's office described the risk of surgery as the same being
morbidly obese for 4 months. Tell him you are doing this to be healthy and
that you don't want to die young. Tell him that you want to do this so you
can grow old together and bicker and get on each other's nerves in the
nursing home. He probably loves you and WANTS to support you but is just
afraid.
— ctyst
August 23, 2001
He either is genuinely concerned about your health, or he is jealous. Once
I lose my weight, I 'm gone. I've had to go through a lot with my husband
over the last few years. He recently call me a "fat ass." I
know he is more concerned with what's on the outside than with the inside.
Good luck hon.
— [Anonymous]
August 24, 2001
I'm still laughing at Merri's answer! My husband told me he didn't want me
to have the surgery either. But, he also told me that it was my body, and
he didn't want to tell me to have the surgery or not have it. I think in
the end it's fear, fear of the unknown, like the other posters said, fear
that you may up and leave them once you are "skinny". Fear that
you may die, or have severe complications, fear that your life in general
is about to change. Now, what to do? Explain to your husband that you are
doing this for your health, and that it's your body, therefore your
decision, and he can be a supportive husband and stand behind whatever
decision you make, or he can be an insensitive jerk. Either way, you are
going to do what's best for YOU! If he doesn't see it your way, explain
that you love him, and respect his opinion, but ultimately, do what's in
your heart. He is not the one that has to suffer with obesity related
conditions(assuming he isn't obese). Good luck, and hopefully he will come
around, and if he doesn't, you always have all the support you'll need
right here!
— jewlsyng30
August 24, 2001
I doubt this is the reason in your case, but some others touched on it.
You know, maybe it's just laziness. If you're the one who normally takes
care of the house, the finances, the little thing, HIM, he may not like the
idea that you will be out of comission for a time and needing lots of extra
help. I know those close to me were a little surprised by how much help I
needed, especially when I had complications. If he has been fully informed
and is still not willing to have an open mind, you have to do what's best
for you. Good luck.
— kcanges
August 24, 2001
I don't know where you are in the process but I would say educating him in
the reasons for wls, the procedure and expected recovery would be the best
thing. I can't even imagine having a husband that doesn't support your
decision, but I hear it all the time in my support group meetings. Every
time I leave there I go home and give my husband a hug and tell him thank
you for being there for me. Speaking of support groups - does your doctor
or hospital have one? Do they allow your spouse to attend with you? This
might be another way to educate him and try to win his support. Good luck!
— georgiacarol
August 24, 2001
My husband who loves me as much as I love him, is happy for me that I got
approved, and he too is scared, he says that once I lose the weight that I
am going to find someone else. That however could not and would not
happen. I love my husband with all my heart, and he is the one that has
seen this "BAD SIDE" of me, I want him to enjoy the good side
with me now. My surgery is supposed to be scheduled sometime in the next
month or so. I can't wait. I can't wait to be able to hold my head high
when I go out with my gorgeous husband, and not hide my head in shame
wondering what people are saying about someone as good looking as him doing
with me. So you see, I feel it is a threat to him. Not that he is lazy.
Just Scared. Put yourself in his shoes.
— TONYA B.
August 24, 2001
You married him, you didn't become him, you are still your own person,
regardless of your marriage. If he doesn't want you to have the surgery,
then you need to find out why. If he can't give you a good answer, then
tell him that you love him, but you gotta love yourself first and you going
to do what's best for you.
— [Anonymous]
August 25, 2001
Go on this site and show him some before and after pictures. If he sees
just how great it will be for you and that the surgery will help you, I
think he will come around. If he doesn't come around after that,
reconsider your relationship. This surgery is some thing that you will do
for your self (for a change) and for once be strong about taking what you
need. Make alternate plans like counting on some one else for help for the
first month. Work out the details and just have the surgery. If your
relationship can't make it through this surgery, at least YOU will be ok
and will have a better life later.
— [Anonymous]
Click Here to Return