Question:
Help spouse feels left out!

I need help my husband just informed me he feels left out on this. Because everything about me has changed. I now have a opion about me my clothes etc... He use to be the one that I depended on to make me feel good now I have realized I can depended on me and I know like myself. But I can make my own decisions about what clothes to wear etc.... But I feel if he doesn't feel that he is important to me and I need him I know he will leave. I now need some help I don't know what to do. I suggested therapy he said no we can work it out as long as I include him. does anyone have a clue what to do.    — penny S. (posted on May 29, 1999)

May 29, 1999
Build him up in front of people. As they rave about your nwe looks, jjst hold his hand or pat his back--whatever is natural for you and tell them that you couldn't have done it without his help and support. He's your inspiration and your help. If he knows how much he's been a part of what's going on INSIDE then maybe the outside stuff won't matter as much? I also make it a point to wear things HE likes when we're together all day. He prefers certain colors, doesn't care for some stuff, so I make sure he sees the stuff he likes, and I save the other stuff for hanging out with my friends. It shows I am LISTENING when he talks, watching his face, etc.
   — vitalady

May 29, 1999
Yep! Include him! Take him shopping with you ... try on clothing you love ... feel good about yourself with him ... feel good about yourself when he's not around ... take him to your groups if you have one with the surgeon who did your surgery ... yes, include him ... don't get a bad case of the "Me's" :) Good Luck! And Enjoy your new life together!
   — Sherrie G.

May 30, 1999
Sometimes men feel very threatened by changes their wives make. We wives have trouble too, when the situation is reversed. Big changes made by one spouse or the other, even a change we are proud of ( like a great new job or the end of an addiction or as in this case, a brand new body) often make the relationship feel more precarious. Our time honored roles and functions shift and alter. The longer we've been in a relationship the more jostled our identities feel. We lose our sense of "how to be" with each other and may even become concerned that our significant other might not need us or value us in the same way as before. I have counseled couples for many years and these kinds of stumbling blocks afflict us all at one time or another. My own husband told me yesterday for the second or third time, (in jest, which is always when the real truth emerges,) that he was afraid that once I become thin (again), after my bypass operation on June 16th, I will want to leave him and find someone else. It's a preposterous notion to me and I can't believe he thinks or feels it (we've actually been through this before and we're both still here!) but I'm ever so grateful he tells me so I can try to head his fears off at the pass. It's true the weight loss will cause some big changes, but that is not one of them. I will work hard to help him come to see that. We will go slowly and talk about the concerns he has and some which I have as well. I will take his concerns seriously and insist he do the same for me. We will negotiate our way through the rough spots and celebrate the milestones we survive. I have counseled couples for over ten years and been married happily for 30. My advice to you is to fight hard for your marriage. It's well worth it no matter what the world around you seems to say. If he won't go for help with you maybe you can find someone to help you for a while untill you feel you have navigated most of the difficulties. People give up on each other too easily in our culture these days. But if you were strong enough to take this step in the first place you are strong enough to fight for your marriage. Good Luck!
   — [Anonymous]

May 31, 1999
Tell your husband that therapy is what YOU need and that you would like to include him, but that's his choice. Then go; by yourself if you have to. You need to let him know that he is so important to you that you will seek help beyond your knowledge and skills to strengthen your relationship. Besides, a healthy relationship is about two people sharing not one person keeping the other needy.
   — Fran W.

June 1, 1999
This is a tough one, how do you reassure someone that you still need them. I guess my best advice is to include him on decisions and value his opinion. That does not always mean that you must go with his choice, but discussions are nice. Its hard for the significant other, your changing .. everything about you is changing, will your feelings for them change too? If you still love this man, I suggest that you make sure you tell him how you feel, and let him know that you are on your way to loving yourself better and that only means that you'll have more love to share with him. Be gentle with him, his world is changing too. Good Luck & remember Live Well, Laugh Often, Love Much Mary Anne
   — Mary Anne M.