Question:
How can I help a dear friend who needs this surgery but will not even go there.

I know its her choice but how can I help her without having the surgery. She can hardly walk now and is about 450-500 lbs.    — [Anonymous] (posted on December 27, 2000)

December 27, 2000
I have a friend like that too. She can barely walk, and spends many days in bed. She really needs a knee replacement but they won't give it to her until she loses weight. But, of course, she has been unable to lose weight. The knee doctor even suggested WLS to her, and then she was very interested when I told her I was going to have WLS. But, her fear is holding her back. I have given her some brochures from my surgeon's office, so if she decides she is ready to do it, she knows the number. But, I don't think it is my place to try to "persuade" her to have this surgery. It is a very personal decision, which was the right one for me, but may not be right for her. I hope that by watching me lose weight, and eat relatively normal, and live a normal life, she will learn that it is not all that scary, but that is for her to decide.
   — Lynn K.

December 27, 2000
It is so hard sometimes to be a friend and want to help. Unfortunately, you can't make the decision for her. I have found that it is ssooo important to want this surgery for yourself, and if you don't, then you shouldn't get it. There is so much involved and you have to be prepared for it. I have 2 family members that I know would benefit from the surgery so much, they are very close to me but I won't even bring it up to them. They have to want to lose the weight. One of these 2 people is my brother. He is very overweight and has alot of health problems that would probably go away if he had the surgery but he doesn't complain about his weight ever and he doesn't let it hinder him from doing things even if he could suffer a heartattack, which is very prominent in our family. His wife is the other. Her favorite saying is " I'm comfortable with the space I take up in the universe", what do you say to that ya know?? I know she says that but I also know it isn't true. She has had a hard time lately because of my weight loss and everytime our families get together people go on and on about my weight and she feels bad I think. Part of the reason they go on and on is because I only see them every once in a great while so when I do the change is significant. My point is people have to make the decision themselves, there are alot of people who don't want to lose weight and you can't force them no matter how there health declines. It is sad, but true. Just be there for her when she needs you and maybe someday she will decide that she needs this to live a happy and fulfilling life. Thats what I pray for, for my family.
   — christine L.

December 27, 2000
While I undrestand how difficult it is to sit by and watch your friend suffer from her obesity, you have to let it be. She has to make the decision in her own time, in her own way. If someone had suggested it to me merely a year before my surgery, I would have told them in none too polite terms where to stuff it. There's a great many obstacles we have to overcome before reaching this decision. Society tells us that if we just stopped feeding our face, we would be thin. The medical profession is just in its infancy in understanding that morbid obesity is a disease that needs to be treated medically. We're told that surgery for obesity is drastic (but yet no one would make that same claim to a cancer patient). Her first step is getting over her own guilt about why she's obese, which isn't easy. Counseling may be in order. The next step is understanding that unless she gets her health under control, she will die prematurely. And even if she didn't, what quality of life does she or will she have? I suspect her quality of life is bad now (mine was, and I only weighed 300 before this surgery). Then she has to get over the fear of the surgery and all the uneducated, negative feedback she will receive from it. Be there for her, listen and respond, but don't preach. If you push the issue, you will drive her completely away from it. You sound like a caring, empathetic friend, and for many obese people, a friend like this is a rare commodity. If prayer is an important part of your life, use it. After my surgery, it was amazing to hear how many people genuinely told me how concerned they were about my health. They didn't care how "fat" I was, they are concerned with my health as a result of it. Looking back, I really believe their good wishes and prayers were a part of bringing me to my decision. Hang in there!
   — Paula G.

December 27, 2000
I am so sorry that your friend is so bad off right now. As for helping her, it's like an alcoholic who refuses to go into rehab~ They have to WANT to do it for themselves or it won't work. They will end up failing and esp. w/ WLS failing would be a devastating thing to happen to her. Maybe as you are going through the process of pre-op testing and getting more and more info, you can pass it all along to her. Not only that but once you have the surgery and start lose the weight, she might begin to become more interested in it. Fear keeps a lot of people from doing things that are "good" or "right" for them and if she sees that you have "made it to the other side" w/ little or no problems, this may encourage her even further. Good Luck to you and your dear friend....Hugs~
   — Marni