Question:
My husband is totally against this....what can I do?
please give me any suggestions, I am lost....he won't listen to me about this....he is worried that he will lose me. — Jennifer D. (posted on October 2, 2001)
October 2, 2001
Jennifer: This is scary for our spouses. They are afraid of losing us.
It would help him to be with you at your doctor's appointments and he can
ask questions from your doctor about mortality rates. He can get on the
computer and do his own research. But mostly, you will just have to keep
reassuring him that you love him, and you want to be with him just as long
as you can. This surgery will help you live longer so you can spend more
time with him. Hope this helps a little. Best of luck on your surgery!
(((HUGS))) Pat
— nealp
October 2, 2001
Jennifer, I went through the same thing with my boyfriend. He wanted me to
try another diet or go on the elaborate liquid diet used after surgery and
not have the surgery. I had to make a choice and do what I felt was right
for me. True, there is a side effect of death with any surgery, but being
obese is also a death sentence if not treated. I hope things work out for
you two.
— Jennifer H.
October 2, 2001
Jennifer, My husband was totally against me having the surgery also. He
begged me to not do it. I was so depressed not having his support.
Everyone told me he would come around after the surgery. Well, it's been 3
weeks since my bypass and it has been HECK at home. I am doing well and
have already lost 30 pounds but my DH is still having a hard time with it.
This was my decision, for me, but not having support at home is so sad. He
is starting to open up a little but I expect it will be months before he
totally forgives me. I know I made the right choice. You should do this
for your health not for any other reason. Good Luck
— MARSHA D.
October 2, 2001
When my dr explained the risk of the surgery he said that the risk of dying
from the surgery is about the same as that of being obese for 4 months. I
told my husband that I wanted to be around to grow old with him. How many
old morbidly obese people do you know? And this is likely to improve your
quality of life drastically. Is he also MO? Is he afraid you will get thin
and dump him? Tell him you want to do this for you and for him.
— ctyst
October 2, 2001
Jennifer, my husband was also against me having surgery, not
only for the reason of losing me to death, but, what if I
got thin and left him? He admitted his insecurities to me and
I really tried to asure him that was not the reason and that
I would leave him fat or thin if I felt the need to. It has
been 13 months for me and I am about 40 lbs from goal. He has
come around and calls me "skinny girl" all the time (which
really makes me laugh, I don't see it) I know that he felt
a whole lot better after he went to the info group with me
and heard the same things from the Dr. that I'd been telling
him- the fact of it is for me I was on a slow road to death
and my living was less than I desired- I did not participate
in life because I was not phyically able to and my self confidence
was so shot from being called names and such that if I didn't
have the surgery the truth was he was going to loose me anyway,
either by me driving him and everyone else away or that I would
die from being obese- I did it for me and then I did it for
my loved ones- I would do it again in a second- it was the
best decision that I have ever made for myself and the ones
around me reap the rewards of it also- do what YOU need to do
for YOU my dear, and the rest will follow. If you feel that
this option is the best for you then go for it, and if YOU decide
that there may be another better option for YOU then that's
what you need to do- if you needed a lung or kidney transplant
would you let someone else make the choice for you? Best of
luck with what ever you choose to do, take care...
— [Anonymous]
October 2, 2001
Try writing him a heartfelt letter if he won't talk about it he may at
least read the letter. Put in that letter every ounce of statistics that
you may have on the surgery and the comparison of you being obese and the
long term effects. Good Luck!
— [Anonymous]
October 2, 2001
It can be hard when your support person is against you having surgery. I
recommend fiding a surgeon in your area that give a seminar about the
sugery... or finding a support group. Take your husband with you and let
him see what WLS is really all about. When he sees real people that have
had the surgery and are alive and healthy, he may be more likely to not
fear losing you so much. Also, ezplain to him that you're not happy with
your body, health, and lifestyle. Let him know some of the everyday things
that are made difficult for you just because of your weight. And, whatever
happens... best of luck to you! :)
— FireJewel
October 2, 2001
Do it for YOU!!!!, if you don't, you may not be around at. all
— [Anonymous]
October 2, 2001
jennifer...i had the same problem with my hubby but to the point of
tears...his not mine. so this is what i did. i picked snippets of info off
this web site. i researched until i thought my brain would explode &
picked snippets out of that. i told my honey all the snippets (only the
GOOD stuff to start). then i made an appt with my pcp. of course the
subject of my weight was bound to come up & thats just what i was
hoping for. i told pcp about my wanting wls & my research. not only did
he encourage me but said he would help me fight to get it if it came to it.
he then explained to hubby about how my life was in danger if i didnt have
wls. hubby started to come around. then, i went to my cardiologist for a
check up. i did the same thing with him. he was even more supportive than
pcp was! he explained to hubby from the coronary point of view why i was
better off with the surgery than without. & by now, i had also started
introducing the risks into the conversation. now hubby was really on a roll
with me. so...i found a local support group that was meeting 2 days later
& dragged hubby to it. not kicking & screaming but not too pleased
either lol. after 3 hours of listening to the mediators, post op patients,
yes even me, & asking lots of questions my honey said,'when do u want
to do it & with who?' yes he realizes the risks but if i needed a heart
bypass it would be the same risk. & i also told him (very kindly) this
is MY decision to make. not urs, not the kids, MINE. i am doing this first
for me & then for u. we have been together 34 years & i love u
& want to be together 34 more. this is not up for discussion. my
surgery is 10/20 with dr newhoff in phoenix az. hubby is as excited as i
am. he is even going to 'camp out' with me in the hosp as this is dr
newhoff's & the hospitals policy.
good luck to u. remember the ultimate decision is urs to make.
— sheryl titone
October 2, 2001
Bringing my husband to a support group meeting was the best
way of convincing him I needed to do this. Now (20 months
139 pounds gone) he is encouraging me to have a tummy tuck!
Says after all the work I have done I deserve it! He is even
going to pay for it if the insurance doesn't cover it all!!
Quite a change- good luck!
— M B.
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