Question:
I asked her to keep this confidential but she told someone.
I'm having my surgeon consultation next week and then will decide whether to have surgery. I've told only a few, very select friends that I'm considering doing this and asked all of them to keep it a secret until further notice. I'm going to play it by ear as to who I tell and when. Well, one of these friends just told me she broke my confidence and told another friend. This other friend no longer lives nearby and I haven't seen her for years, but I still feel violated. I'm trying to decide what, if anything, to say about it. My first response was, "Oh, that's okay," but it was polite rather than authentic. — sjwilde (posted on March 12, 2003)
March 12, 2003
Probably the best way to handle this is to not say anything to her but, I
would never confide anything with her again. When you tell secrets, you
really find out who your friends are. If you confront her it will strain
your friendship ever further.
— Barbara S.
March 12, 2003
Only you can decide whether or not to continue this friendship.
Every relationship has a deal-breaker level. Is this "violation"
(your word, not mine) something that you can get past?
I do think you made a mistake by not telling her immediately how you felt.
Now, if you bring it up, it quite possibly will destroy the friendship
anyway.
Only you can place a value on this friendship and how much you're willing
to go through to keep it.
— Kasey
March 12, 2003
Sandra, I can totally realte. My sister told someone I am no longer close
to in my hometown and I know that person will tell everyone. I felt and
feel so betrayed. However, I am scheduled for my surgery 03/24/03 and had
my pre-admission testing 03/10/03 and that appointment changed my whole
view of this surgery. I think I, as do many, place a certain stigma to this
surgery such as it is strictly cosmetic or that we have let are selves go
and the only way to control it is to have this surgery done. Some of us
have medical problems that prevent us from loosing significant amounts of
weight and others have emotional issues. But regardless to which there is a
problem. This surgery is a tool to help us preserve our life from future
illnesses related to obesity. It was very hard for me to admit that I
needed help. And to be honest with you I just admitted that to myself this
week. This surgery is going to change my life and give me the opportunity
to live and not be consumed with weight and health. And if I am living my
life to the absolute fullest each day, then to hell with everyone who knows
that I had surgery. Good Luck and GOD Bless whatever choice you make for
yourself.
— Steph P.
March 12, 2003
I think people love to talk about WLS these days...I told some trusted
friends at work about my surgery (big mistake, I know) and have recently
come to find out that EVERYBODY knows, and has known since I had it a year
ago. This upset me cause, while I love my boss, I didn't want her to
know...I had to do alot of scrambling in my schedule to have it done, so I
made up another, more worthy surgery at the time. In retrospect that was a
mistake, but we should all keep in mind the motto "Don't ask, don't
tell" if we don't want the word about our surgery to get out. Forgive
your friend, but trust nobody in keeping your WLS a secret, if you want it
to be...
— rebeccamayhew
March 12, 2003
This is one of the reasons which I told everyone. If you tell no one and
you loose a lot of weight people (gossips)will say you have cancer or aids.
I told everybody and got tremendous support. Good Lux
— Robert L.
March 12, 2003
Hi Sandra,
I would tell this person that you're disappointed. You confided in them for
a reason. Then, I wouldn't share anything else about your surgery decisions
etc....until you're ready for everyone to know. Unfortunately, we tend to
let everything slide with people and that's okay. Well, this is one reason
why people keep doing it. I personally told everyone but that's what was
right for me. You need to do what's right for you and on your own time. If
this person should ask for an update just tell her at this time you're not
ready to publicly announce your decision to everyone quite yet. Then, stick
to your guns. It's okay to feel violated because she violated your trust!
Best wishes on this journey.
— Linda M.
March 12, 2003
I think I know just how you feel. When I told my "friend" I was
thinking of WLS, she did not agree with me so she told everyone(we work at
the same company) that they need to talk me out of it. I had strangers
coming up to me telling me not to "mess" up my body and just
exercise and push back from the table. Needless to say, I was very hurt.
When I made up my mind that WLS was what I needed, she became very catty.
Mean remarks and such. It came down to this for me. If she really was my
friend, 1. she would have never told anyone. 2. she would have supported me
even if she didnt agree with me. I know now in my heart that she was not a
friend and I am better off without her. It is sad to lose a
"friendship" but what I have gained is peace of mind and
happiness that I did what I KNOW was best for me. If you ever need to
talk, feel free to e-mail me. [email protected] Sidney Open RNY
10-23-02 down 70+
— Siddy I.
March 13, 2003
Hi-
This same thing happened to me. I asked my Mother specifically to not tell
anyone. She told my cousin, my brother, and some neighbors of hers. When
I found out, I felt betrayed. The issue here is trust. Of course, your
initial reaction is "Oh that's okay", when it is not. People
with our disease of morbid obesity tend to not make waves, be invisible, be
people pleasers. However, when I told my therapist about this, she
encouraged me to "speak my truth" to my Mom. It is never too
late to speak your truth. I let my anger calm, and then I told my Mom that
when I entrusted her with this confidence, I expected her to keep the
confidence. I told her that I was disappointed that she had not done so.
I told her that I felt betrayed. All in a calm voice. She told me that it
was because she was worried that she told all these people. I reminded her
that this is not about her, that this is about me and that this is a trust
issue. No matter what the reaction, it is imperative to speak your truth.
Not to hurt other people, but to empower yourself. It is a hard thing to
do. I have had to practice it. I have also had to take a hard look at
myself and see where it has been that I have made bad choices in not
keeping confidences. I have had to make amends for those bad choices.
Life is hard. It is easy to just blow off your own feelings, hold
resentments and feel badly. It is much harder to actually do the work of
growing, and changing. Perhaps you might think of this as an opportunity
to start practicing your empowerment.
— Susan F.
March 13, 2003
I told very few people and just like you said for them to keep it to
themselves. I did not even tell my inlaws until I was in the hospital.I
just did not want to hear any opinions. Anyhow, my sister proceded to tell
everyone she knows (Iknow very few of them) all about it and now I have to
throw a bridal shower for her and i just know that everyone will be either
commenting or checking out the size of my rear end! I told her that i
thought it was over stepping her bounds and she said that she was concerned
about me and needed to talk to her friends about it. I would have prefered
that she had not said anything but her motivation was okay and her heart
was in the right place. I have realized that this surgery has a huge affect
on every one around us and they need to talk about it almost as much as we
do. I hate these lesson learning things but next time you know who you can
trust. Please talk to your friend. If you don't tell her you are hurt she
will never know and you will be the one holding the baggage filled with
hurt feelings and resentment. If she is s true friend she will understand
and probably won't betray your trust again. Good luck!
— Carol S.
March 13, 2003
It's very disappointing when someone doesn't keep a confidence. However,
once you tell someone your secret, whether it's weight loss surgery or
anything else, you've opened up an opportunity for others to share your
news. I would embrace this situation.In fact I did embrace it. At first I
thought I would tell no one other than my husband, our son and
daughter-in-law and my brother and his family. As my excitement began to
bubble over the prospect of this surgery, I told as many people who would
listen. Out of everyone I told, there was only one concern over my safety
via the operation. Other than that everyone has been more than supportive.
Good Luck. It's going to be fine-- 3 weeks post op 27lbs lost
Maxine
— MaxineB
March 13, 2003
I've learned the hard way that no matter who you share your life with they
may share it with someone else with "good intensions" of course.
All of our friends ~ have friends besides us....so....If you don't want
people to know then don't share with anyone and of course this is very
difficult because of the support you need.....but I must say, I have found
my inspiration coming from those who have shared their dream, experiences
and excitement in all stages of this journey from begining to the end.
Also, there is nothing to be ashamed of here. And by the way if you don't
recant your "that's ok" to your friend she may see someone else
out there she hasn't seen in awhile.
Be encouraged. God has a plan for your life and this is the jumping off
place. :) ~Mary Smith
— mrysmth1
March 15, 2003
A similar thing happened to me...I asked my mother (who lives in another
state) NOT to mention the surgery to anyone, anywhere...because outside of
her, my husband and my best friend, no one will know. Well, I guess she
told my sister in law who in turn emailed me demending to know what I was
thinking...It could of been real ugly, as I was VERY ticked off. I just
told my sister-in law my mother was mistaken then called my mom and asked
her why she told...she said she needed to talk to someone about it...and I
just requested her to talk to me instead and to visit this site (which she
says she has) Ask your friend why she spilled the beans. Maybe she was
worried and needed to talk to someone about it...or maybe she just has a
big mouth. Either case, you can always deny you are having surgery...say
it was just a passing thought...
— Renee B.
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