Question:
Just told husband about consult appointment & he's mad I didn't include him earlier

He says I already have my mind made up, but it's not. My initial consult is in 3 days & I will take whatever advice my surgeon has--to go ahead with the surgery or not. My husband thinks that this is the "easy" way out & that I should just "buck up" and exercise and eat right now--without surgery. I tried to tell him that I've been there, done that, I have done my research and I think this is what I want to do, but he's not supportive. What can I do?    — Julie P. (posted on June 15, 2001)

June 15, 2001
Has he been here and read the information on this site? My DH was a bit put off about it at first also, but I sat him down in the chair and had him read a number of things here and at several other web sites. Needless to say, when he finished, he was completely supportive of my decision, even though I hadn't gone to my PCP for the referral yet.
   — Dee P.

June 15, 2001
Ask your husband straight out what it is that is bothering him. It may be that he is afraid of the risk of losing you, afraid of you "changing" due to the weight loss, or he may be one of them people who have the mentality that weight loss CAN be done if you "just have the will power" and the wls is the weak way out. Ask him to sit down and reveiw information on this site and/or others. Even if he is against it ask him to please just do this for you. Hopefully he will get some insight and understand. If he doesn't, you need to just go ahead and do what you need to do. IF after all that information is given to him he still doesn't understand then he will just have to deal with it and look at the fact that it is what YOU want and need, His love for you will have to outweight his fears and/or insecurities. Any husband should have a love that strong for his wife. It may be after when he sees the actual changes in you he will understand and be supportive or it may be he will get worse. Take care of yourself and the rest will follow.good luck to you and don't let anyone take away from you what you know in your heart you need.
   — [Anonymous]

June 15, 2001
my husband was against wls too. hes afraid something will happen to me. we r in the prime of our lives. the children r grown & on their own & we r going to be grandparents for the first time.
   — sheryl titone

June 15, 2001
my husband was against wls too. hes afraid something will happen to me. we r in the prime of our lives. the children r grown & on their own & we r going to be grandparents for the first time so i understand his feelings. but i explained to him that he has to understand mine. i told him that i have done hours & hours of research & the main thing i found out is that i will die quicker of my morbid obesity than i will from the surgery. he accepted this but was still skeptical. we had a cardiologist appt 2 weeks ago with a new dr (new for us) & i told him we will discuss the matter with the dr & see what he says. he was agreeable to this. after my exam the drs exact words were...u know u r going to die a very early death? i said yes that i was aware of that & then i told him about the wls i had researched. his response almost made me cry! 'wonderful!' he said. that will save ur life because u will lose weight & u have to stop smoking. i will take good care of ur heart in the meantime. in fact, i am going to do all my pre op testing on u starting next week cause i have a lot of tests i want to do & this way we will have all the results for the surgeon when u see him in august. so hubby asked him if he thought it was safe for me to have the surgery. his answer was...as long as i am satisfied with all the test results...by all means!!!! u know, if she doesnt have the surgery she doesnt have a very long life span. so hubby feels alot better now. last week we met with our new pcp who gave us the same diagnosis (prognosis?) about my life span & the same happy comments about me having the surgery!!! hubby is really ok with this now! maybe once ur hubby gets to consult with ur surgeon & hears it from him he will feel better too. i come from a family of skinnies on one side & morbidly obese on the other. my daughter (size 8) felt the same way ur husband does until the day a girl who was out sick for a couple of months came back to work. yup...it was wls & she was so much healthier & thinner that my daughter told her about me. the co-worker gave her all the sites for me to research unknowingly that i have already researched them all. hahaha. now my daughter too feels better. thin people just dont have a clue to what we struggle with. be patient with him. good luck!!!! sheryl
   — sheryl titone

June 16, 2001
From your question I thought he was mad because it didn't give him the time to learn and support you as you learned.. so what, he's really mad because it gave him less time to insult your intelligence by telling you you could just 'buck up' and do it another way? How insecure is he? Agreed he may just be afraid of losing you but come on, all of us who have lived our lives morbidly obese have had those boyfriends and husbands who were only with us because they figured we were doormats and desperate? (Forgive me for sounding bitter but I have been used THREE TIMES as a 'beard' for gay men who convinced me that they loved me, only for me to find out later on what was really up!) This probably isn't the way your husband is, but this just brought back memories of one boyfriend who sabatoged my attempts to lose weight at every turn.. You have to do what you know is the right thing for you, you are the one destined to live in your body no one else. I wish you the best of luck.
   — [Anonymous]

June 20, 2001
Listen honey,I feel and know what you are going through.My husband has the exact same attitude ,I did the same thing you did.I wanted to get as much information that I could before I brought it to his attention,because I wanted to be well informed so I could explain and inform him just as well,and needless to say he felt that I too had gone behind his back and already made the decision without him,which waas not so,and yes he too said just diet and excercise and i'll lose wieght,well duh i hve tried that for years,when I first began to gain weight i tried everything known to man and as he can see I have gained more than I have ever lost.I know this is your husband and I can't tell youwhat to do.I am in my first stages of the surgery process as well and I have aalready had numeerous disagreements with my husband and I have told him that this issue is not debateable,I am going through with this,and if my marriage is going to suffer because of it then that makes me beleive that it wasn't that solid to begin with,because i am not happy with myself and my marriage is suffering already because of it,and if Iwa nt to do something to make me feel better so I can regain my slef esteem and be a better perosn,wife and mother I feel he should supprt me.I have come to the conclusion that husbands who won't support their wives in such a very important decision have issues of their own,and i feel that mine just wants to keep me fat and in the bedroom and HIS life would be wondeful,he has told me manytimes even before I considered surgery that he often has a dream that i lost weigt and I left him,those are not my intentions in the least,but I can tell you,if he stands in my way about this surgery that is strong possibilty even now.I need to do this because I have serious health problems and for me this is my only option.Continue to talk to him and see if he changes his mind,if not remember that this is you body and your life if you don't do something now yoyr obesity may end you life and how would he feel about that.Good luck to you and if you need a surgery buddy contact me anytime [email protected]
   — scencemi