Question:
How can I be a normal size, when all I've ever known was being big?
For 27 years, I've been the biggest one in school, work, or play. Most people have had a glimpse of life as a normal size person (meaning not considered obese). From day one, I was categorized as obese. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else out there knows what it is that I'm feeling, and if so, how did they get over the all-consuming fear of loosing their safety bumper of fat. Since becoming an adult, I've been happy as the BBW, the amply endowed, and the pleasantly plump girl. I could loose myself in food because I was already fat, so what difference would it make if I ate that fried chicken? Before, I was out of control with food. Now, I'm still out of control, because the surgery is the one controlly what, how much, and when I can eat. Did I move from one extreme to another? Isn't this trading in one obsession for another? How will I know how to act when I'm not surrounded by layer upon layer of fat? Will some horrible skinny b*tch manifest herself in my place?? Any reply would be welcome. I'm just looking for support from those that are in my shoes. — Anna F. (posted on July 24, 2001)
July 24, 2001
When I read your post I felt like I was reading something I had written.
First let me say I am 23 and pre-op. I look at pictures of myself from
when I was young and I know that I do not have any idea what I will look
like at a normal weight. That's pretty scary, but I worried about the same
emotional things you are. I actually posted about this about 3 months ago
and one person said her boyfriend assured her she was a bitch before
surgery and she would be a bitch after surgery. The moral is that your
personality will not change because your outside looks different. Sure you
may have more confidence or exert yourself and your opinions more freely
because your not afraid someone will attack your looks, but you will be the
same Anna you have always been. Please email me if you need someone to
talk to. It's on my profile. Take care and good luck with everything:-)
— Sara A
July 24, 2001
Anna, I too have been the "biggest" kid in the family, the
chubby by pleasant personality child and the "you have such
pretty face..if only...." but when I hit 33 last year I started
having dificulties joint aches, back pains, blood pressure up,
bordeline just about everything.. difficulty breathing, sleeping,
you name it.. thats why I decided on WLS..I figure I'll still be
me... personality wise .. but with less aches and pains and this
is what is keeping me going (still awaiting surgery)... prevention...
of any future medical problems... everything else.. (Fears ect.) I'll
attack full speed....
— rinkadinktx
July 24, 2001
Hi Anna! I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way, but I have
to admit, I'm really excited about discovering the new "normal"
sized me that's going to emerge! Whenever I talk about all the things I
can't wait to do after this surgery (roller coasters, tennis lessons,
joining a gym), my friends are like, "You know how you are, you'll
never do it because you're lazy, and you just want to sit on your tuckus
all day like the rest of us" All I can think to myself is....how do
you know what I'm going to be like? How do I know? I've never known a me
that wasn't self conscious or overweight or the biggest girl in the room.
It is my goal to prove them all wrong, and get out and enjoy myself. I
think it's going to be a great adventure, and I can't wait! I know I'll
always have a problem with food, I know that I'll always have an obsessive
personality, but I'm hoping to at least exchange this food obsession for
one that's actually healthy and good for me. I'm not under the delusion
that it's going to be easy, but I know that there's a life out there that
I've been missing for 29 years, and I'm ready to begin it. Ha! This post
is actually a lot more optimistic than my normal personality, but I know
that if I don't think positively about WLS, I'll talk myself out of it, and
I know that I have to do this for my own health. Thanks for posting! Email
me if you ever need to talk!
— blank first name B.
July 24, 2001
Hi Anna,
I was very touched by your question. Changing one's self image is a major
step. While I have been fat, basically, my whole life, there have been a
few brief times when I have been "thin". I loved it! But, who
knows, maybe some discomfort in being other than what I was used to, played
some role in regaining the weight. As I face surgery 6 days from now, I
also think about "losing" part of myself and how it is I am used
facting the world. My suggestion to you is - get as much support as you
can. If your surgeon has a support group - GO! If that doesn't exist, try
to join another group. It doesn't even have to be a group that is centered
around weight or weight loss - just a place where you can become
comfortable in voicing your concerns and feelings. Somethings are hard to
do. Almost everything is harder to do alone. Good luck - and make sure to
post your "skinny" picture - the one with the big smile - when
you are ready! Nancy
— Nancy Z.
July 24, 2001
I'm scared too. I'm pre-op my surgery is on September 26th. I barely
remember being small. I can't imagine myself an average size. And what will
I do with out fat being my buffer to the world? I am 31 now and my size is
everything I think about. It determines what I wear, if I go outside today,
I missed a wedding of a close friend because of shame and nothing to wear,
I like to travel but can't stand to fly anymore, I've never seen my 10 year
old daughter swim(won't wear swim suit), I haven't rode a bike in 15 years,
I only wear one pair of shoes(gymshoes),my husband says he has a wife no
one sees, and list goes on and on. Is it trading one obsession for another?
Maybe, I would rather ride, swim, dance, walk, fly, shoe shop, visit
friends and family, and show my face than eat fried chicken any day. I am
very afraid but I am more afraid to stay like this.
— Vanessa H.
July 24, 2001
I have had a hard time visualizing what I look like now. I've lost 120 lbs.
in 11 months. I had been asking my husband to show me someone with a
similar body size. We were on our way home from an Easter trip when he
pointed out a women in the airport. SHE LOOKED NORMAL! I was shocked that
he thinks that's what I look like now. I think I'll always see myself as
fat no matter what size I am. I wonder why I think so little of myself?
— georgiacarol
July 24, 2001
I have had the best of both worlds. I lost 110 pounds and have of coursed
gained it all plus, but I long for the days to be thin again. I was more
self assured, people treated me different, shopping was a pleasure. As a
fat person I am openly discriminated(sp)against, I feel ashamed because of
my weight and we won't mention all the times I have come home crying after
a shopping trip because even the largest size in the store would not fit.
Don't be afraid to experience being thin. You will feel better, look
better and this will give you an even more positive out look on life. I am
in the appeal process with my insurance, but I am counting the days until I
can have help with this life long battle!
— Kim M.
July 24, 2001
You certainly aren't alone. I lived most of my life being the
biggest person in the room. Remember that you are going to lose
weight gradually; you'll have time to adjust to a smaller body;
it doesn't happen overnight. Also, as the weight comes off, you'll
feel so much better physically and you'll feel so good receiving all
the compliments and being able to buy nicer clothes that these
fears you have now will evaporate. You'll still be the person you are
now....you'll just be a smaller, healthier, more self confident
version. I am concerned about one thing. The idea that after wls you
don't have to have an control....that the surgery does it all. Nothing
could be further from the truth. During the rapid weight loss period
you'll lose weight without even trying. But, after that you will have
to be in control of what you eat and when you eat. The surgery only
controls how much you eat. People who forget that either don't maximize
their weight loss or they regain their weight. Just take one day at time.
It gets better.
— [Anonymous]
July 24, 2001
Like you, I have lived my entire life (30 years) as the biggest kid in
school, college, place of employment etc...I am scared to death that losing
the weight permanently will destroy my life but I am also a sensible person
and I know that the lost weight will increase my energy, stamina,
self-image and prolong my life! Try to keep thinking about all the
positive changes that will occur. I am in the very early stages of WLS, I
haven't even had my first consult with my surgeon yet, but I know that this
is a positive change. I can't wait to shop at the stores my friends do! I
really can't wait until I can chace around after my 11 month old and not
break a sweat after 10 seconds! It's going to be hard but you will adjust
and you have hundreds of very supportive new friends at this website that
will always encourage and identify with what you are feeling! Good luck to
you!!!!!
— jenn2002
July 24, 2001
Anna, I totally relate to what you are saying. I have always been the fat
one among all the skinny minnies. I have never known a single thin or
"normal" day in my life. I have the same fears that you do. I
have a consultation on Aug 3rd and hope everything goes well because I
really, really want this to happen, yet at the same time, your right in
that we have hidden behind our fat for so many years. My husband keeps
telling me he cant wait to see me at like a sz 14 or 16. He doesnt
understand when I tell him that I cannot picture it, AT ALL. (He doenst
care either way, he married me the way I am now) I wonder too how will I
deal with the things that I really never had to deal with before. I've
never been the type of person who wanted to be the center of attention,
more like the wallflower. How will I deal with the attention? That is the
hardest part for me to think about, and its a big enough issue for me that
I am looking to into therapy for before/during and after. I have to come to
terms with why I feel that way. I like to believe what the others say and
that once you start losing the weight, your self esteem will go up and make
things better...we'll see. Good Luck to you Anna, and always remember, you
are not alone, there always people who share the same fears and feelings
that you do, and if you reach out, someone will reach back....take care
— Amy C.
July 24, 2001
Once you lose significant weight you will need to readjust, and so will
people around you. You will be special for new reasons, not just size, but
you will still be special.
Some body dismorphia is common -- I can't tell what size I am. I can
"see" that I have lost weight, but not how much (90 lbs, 7 mos.).
So I can't eyeball clothes and tell what will fit. Nor can I compare
myself to others and sense whether I an bigger or smaller. It takes a
while for the brain to adjust its inner view.
A friend suggested taking a picture with someone whose size I know in
relation to where I was. A new side by side picture may help my brain
adjust faster.
— LindaMe
July 24, 2001
Dear Anna,
Consider yourself right now as a cocooned butterfly. After surgery the
beautiful new you will emerge slowly, and it will take a little stretching
and wing drying before you will be ready to fly. Enjoy your new life and
flap those gorgeous new wings. This is your time!
— Sheila B.
July 24, 2001
I agree with so many of the people that have already posted. It IS hard to
get used to the change & it's hard to judge for yourself just how big
you are. I've lost about 175# in the last 15 months. I'm now in size 12
clothes. It's taken quite a while to get used to the change in my
appearance, but it is happening. I'm beginning to get a fairly good sense
of what size I am now. I'm starting to be able to eyeball what clothes will
fit & whether I can fit into a space. However, still, every now &
then, I will catch a glimpse of myself in a window or mirror & be
confused for a moment, thinking who is that?? I have noticed some change in
the way people act toward me, but it's now really how I imagined it would
be. I think I don't get noticed as much now. Before, when I was so big,
EVERYONE at least looked at me--now, a lot of the time, I just blend in
& don't seem to be noticed. That's taken a little getting used to. I
think that now I just look like everyone else. weird. Before, much of the
attention was negative, we all know the looks of disgust & the
snickers. So I don't have that to deal with any more, but have had to deal
somewhat with feelings of being somewhat invisible. I don't think I have
"become someone else." In fact, I think the person I was when I
was so heavy wasn't REALLY me! I now feel like the me I used to be. I still
enjoy all the things I used to, only now I can actually DO all those
things, like skiing, biking, flying, being out in public... I guess the
control factor depends on how you look at it. I am now in control of what I
eat & I feel very good about that. It makes me feel strong &
empowered. But, I do know that it's the surgery that has allowed me to gain
this control. I think, maybe, it's all in how you choose to look at it. It
really is a big change & there's certainly a lot to get used to, but as
someone else mentioned, it happens over the course of a year or more &
friends & family can be lots of help. One other thing that you didn't
mention is how great you will feel. It's amazing how liberating it is to
not have that constant pain & tiredness. I'm so much happier &
healthier, I don't have anything to b*itch about & there's no point in
being b*tchy when you feel so good! I really don't think you need to
worry-- happy, healthy people are probably pretty good company. And that's
what this surgery allows us to become. I guess I should probably add the
disclaimer that maybe not all people have this result, all I know is how it
has affected me. It has literally been the answer to my prayers.
— Kathy W.
July 24, 2001
Hi, I can relate to what your saying. My surgery is in 6 days. Not only do
I wonder what it will be like to be thin, but people who know I'm doing
this, say they can't imagine me thin. I am looking into seeing a
counselor, just in case. Losing large amounts of weight is dramatic for the
person doing the losing and the people around them.
— [Anonymous]
August 2, 2001
But you are in control! You made the decision to have WLS and will have to
make the decisions to eat right and keep your body healthy. I think that
when you are overweight there is a tendency to define yourself by that
rather than by other things. There is obviously much more to you than an
overabundance of fat cells! You are insightful and intelligent. Focus on
what makes you YOU. Trust me, it's not the fat! Support helps. This site
helps. If you can go to face-to-face support meetings, that helps. If you
can find a counselor who has an understanding of your situation, that will
help. You aren't alone out there. I have lost 56 pounds so far and feel
great. I look great. I buy clothes because I like them. I have my hair done
because it makes me feel good. I work out because it keeps me healthy and
full of energy. I take my daughter bowling because it's fun. I don't do
these things for anyone besides myself. Find what you enjoy that you will
be capable of now that you are unburdened from your shell and do that. Soon
you won't think of yourself as the "biggest." You'll think of
yourself as the funniest, the most adventurous, the smartest, or whatever
you've been hiding!
— [Anonymous]
January 28, 2004
I know what you are talking about. I am down to 170, from 400 pounds and I
went from a tight DD, to a saggy B cup. I loved being a BBW and now I'm
not big breasted or big at all. But the skin is still there and makes me
look ill-perportioned. I was so used to being the big person, that when
someone compliments me, I hardly even notice. I feel like there not
talking to me. I'm almost scared to gain the weight back as a means of
safety, and what i've always known. If you want to talk one on one, you
can e-mail me.
— poohgyrl80
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