Question:
Should I tell my mother about my new surgery date?
Hi, I am 35yrs young and my mother is totally agianst wls. I am tired of trying to convience my mother the reasons why I want surgery. Nothing helps. She is very strong willed and stubborn as so am I. She thinks my surgery is May 17th and she has driven me crazy since. We alway end up talking at first and then angry upon hanging up the phone.(She lives MI, I live in FL) She thinks that I can loose the weight by dieting. Tried that for 10 yrs, didn't happen. Well my surg has been moved up to May 3rd and I really do not want to tell her. I am thinking of never telling her. I am already going through so many emotions, that I really do not want to hear anything negative,regardless of who it is from. My husband and friends have been great, but my mothers has never helped in being supportive. Surgery is 8 days away and I need all the positive energy I can get. I really want her support, but I know that it will NEVER happen, even after I loose all the weight she will still find something neg to say. So with all that said should I tell her? Please Help — Erin E. (posted on April 25, 2004)
April 25, 2004
Sometimes we just keep dancing to the same "song"...maybe it's
time to put on a new cd...sounds like you are going through the same type
of stuff I've gone through for years. You cant change people and
"their" opinions---
even your parents, husbands, friends, kids, etc. They are going to be and
think what ever they choose to. It's really hard to accept that part of
life too. You start thinking that if only you could (change them) life
would be so great and it's usually not going to happen. Mom will be Mom,
and your life is yours to live. You are in FL she's in MI, mine was always
within 10 miles of me and I loved her dearly and lived to disagree about
everything. After my father died I became my mom's caretaker and thank
god...we got to really know each other and appreciate what unique people we
are. Erin, chin up and have your surgery done, the decision is yours to
tell or not to tell. No one can tell you the right answer, I told her any
everyone else this is the way its going to be. It works out...I am living
proof ...the mysteries of mother and daughters and life!
— debmi
April 25, 2004
I would not tell her. However, for your own peace of mind, write her a
letter explaining WHY you are having the surgery and why you didn't tell
her. Only have that letter given to her IF something were to happen to you.
That way you can enter surgery comfortable with your decision to not tell
her, knowing that she will be comforted if something happens. Then post op
when you are perfectly fine, throw the letter away or give it to her anyway
to explain your actions. I would definitely NOT tell her before hand and
would question the need to tell her at all, especially since you live so
far apart. I wouldn't lie, if asked. But I wouldn't offer the info. I would
limit contact with her for the next week, so as to not feel guilty and not
be put in a position where you would have to tell her. Good luck!! Shelley
— Shelley.
April 25, 2004
Dear Erin -- You have done your homework and you have the support of your
husband and friends...it would be nice to also have your mother's support
but it looks like that isn't going to happen. Can you accept that? I am
70 and my three daughters are in their 40's and I went round and round with
them and they went round and round with each other. The result was their
full support (along with the message you have to have this surgery or die).
I would have had the surgery without their approval but it did make life
easier with their support. BTW, one of the hardest lessons a mother has to
learn is to sit on her hands and bite her tongue. The next-hardest is to
learn to say "I respect your decision although I don't agree; I love
you." I wish you all the luck available on your surgery date, and I
agree about the suggestion to write a letter -- same thing, though, "I
disagree with you, Mom, but I still love you." HTH
Nina in Maine
— [Deactivated Member]
April 25, 2004
considering you are states away from each other, if you're talking to her
on the phone and she's being negative, just tell her you don't want to talk
to her if she's not going to support your decison and hang up the phone.
Arguing and fighting is a 2 way thing, it's not going to happen unless you
engage her in a confrontation. <br><br>While most peopel
around me were supportive, I did have a few that were negative, I just
would tell them, I have made up my mind and walk away from the
conversation. They came around. Most of the negativity comes from them
caring about you and being scared for you. That's probably what your mom
is coming from, no matter how old you get, you're still her baby and she'll
worry about you.
— Patricia T.
April 25, 2004
ERIN I THINK ITS BEST TO LET IT GO,IF SHE CANT BE SUPPORTIVE THAN DONT LOOK
FOR HER TO BE SUPPORTIVE (DONT TELL HER)MATTER OF FACT DONT BRING IT UP AT
ALL AND SHELL GET THE MESSAGE,EITHER SHELL COME AROUND OR NOT AND IF SHE
DOESNT THAN DONT DISCUSS IT WITH HER.MY MOMS THE SAME WAY .OLD AGE I
THINK.GOOD LUCK
— jtfudd
April 25, 2004
Erin,
I had my surgery on July 21,2003 and I did not tell my Mother or an older
sister as they were totally unsupportive when I needed major back surgery
in August 2004. I have not and will not tell them as I know that it will be
counter productive to me id I do. I would just like to say though from my
own experience that I do have some guilt about not being honest with them
as we used to be able to discuss anything(i mean ANYTHING)since my Dad died
though that has changed. Another issue to consider is if they are not
supportive now then when you experience the bumps in your WLS road it will
just fuel her non-support and give her things to say I told you so.
Good Luck with your surgery and your WLS journey
Dianna W
— DIANNA W.
April 25, 2004
My mom was the same way. However, I think the anger comes from the
possible fear that you may die. Many people still think of this as an
"elective" surgery rather then a "medically necessary"
one. After surgery, my mom changed. She was still a little angry with me,
but she also saw that it worked. I've now had 3 reconstructive surgeries
with a 4th in 3 weeks and she just kind of rolls her eyes with me now when
I say I'm having surgery. I think she's getting used to it!! If she's not
helping in your re-cooperation, then I wouldn't tell her until after the
surgery. By that time, there's nothing she can say about it.
— Patty H.
April 25, 2004
I chose not to tell my father until the day before surgery. He has never
been interested in anything I did unless it was to criticize me and he was
always embarassed that my sis and I were MO and he was always thin. I live
only 20 minutes from my dad so I see him more frequently than you probably
see your mother. But, be prepared for insults along the way. If I mentioned
getting sick because something didn't agree with me, I'd hear, "Well,
if you didn't let yourself get so fat, you wouldn't have needed the surgery
and you wouldn't have gotten sick," and other not so charming 'words
of wisdom'. My recommendation would be to not tell her. You are going
through enough stress without her piling on more and you know she won't be
supportive. Good luck to you.
— Yolanda J.
April 25, 2004
Hello,
I know it is hard when someone you love does not support you in important
matters, but I also had people telling me not to do, what if you die, and I
told them this: My FAITH in GOD is greater than my fear of dying and I know
that he has brought me to this decision and if he brought me to it he will
bring me through it. I stopped telling people after a while and now they
look at me and say you look good. So maybe it would be best if you did not
tell her, as long as your husband supports you and he knows that is all
that matters.
— danetta1070
April 26, 2004
I guess I would say that if she is not paying for it...the she should
either be supportive or hush. Right now you need all the positive energy
you can get. Believe it or not positive energy will help, just like
negative will hurt.
So I wouldn't tell her or I would call her from the hospital the morning of
my surgery right before they wheel me away..and say.."Mom, I love you
and I do not want to debate this with you. I just wanted-I love you to be
the last words you hear from me in case something happens. Take care and I
will call you in a few days." Then hang up the phone.
— S. Carroll
April 26, 2004
My father wasn't supportive either, he is now that I have had so much
success though...
I told both my mom and my dad, after all I am their child and it is natural
for them to worry and act however they were going to act. But I felt god
forbid something bad happened, I wanted to give them the opprotunity to
know and be there to support me. You just never know, I wanted them to be
prepared. Everything went fine and my dad was up there right after I came
out of surgery, he has been fine with it ever since! GOOD LUCK!
— Saxbyd
April 26, 2004
Girlfriend, you are not alone. My surgery was 9 january 2004 and my dad
and sister still do NOT know and never will if I can help it. I did tell
my mom in case I died. My dad would NEVER understand as he is a true blue
holistic guru and in almost perfect health. My sister is a chiropractor
and also a guru. They would never support me and tell me I could lose it
on my own if i had the "will power" that i should have. I am
down 53 lbs now and feel fantastic. I told them I was doing atkins with
lots of exercise. Well, it's working. My husband just laughs. You stick
to your guns and do what you must. Write your mother a letter just in
case, God Forbid, but she will need to make amends with you if something
were to happen. Have your husband give it to her.
Good Luck with your surgery, I will be praying for you.
Ann
— Ann M.
April 26, 2004
Erin, I know you might not like being deceptive, but you need to go into
any type of surgery relaxed, calm and filled with positive forces. My
feeling is mental health aids physical wellness. DON'T TELL YOUR MOM your
new date, find some other person to be there for you. Actually, you need
to stay away from anyone who is NEGATIVE just prior to surgery, and 6 weeks
after, which is the hardest time while your body adjusts. Please keep me
posted, any questions feel free to email me.
— Anna M.
April 28, 2004
You are not alone!! I went through the same thing with my entire family,
which suprised me. After all the diets I've tried, I thought they would
encourage me. I finally had to tell them that this was my decision to make
and I was the one who had to deal with the consequences. They could either
stand behind me and support me or not say anything. I hope you have
someone that you can depend on for support other than your mother. You
need to be surrounded by people that are positive and will encourage you.
Good luck and God Bless. If you have any questions, feel free to contact
me at [email protected]
— Julia B.
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