Question:
Looking for more advice... on "coming out" to co-workers.
I told my boss and two closest co-workers that I was planning to have WLS back when I first started having all my appointments. They've been very supportive, as have my family and friends... but now that I have a tentative surgery date, my boss wants me to let everyone else know. I work for a small library system, with all of 30-something employees, and she is concerned about the gossip and concern if I don't say anything. While I feel that it's a personal thing, I see her point-- I know how they all are. I'm not looking forward to their comments and things; I know how some of them think, but that doesn't bother me because I'm in it for me. The real issue is... how do I tell them? I'm not about to send out a mass-email or anything. Should I just sit down with a few, perhaps others in my two departments, or maybe just one or two at a time? Bring it up, or hope that it somehow slides into the convo? — snickersblk (posted on September 23, 2008)
September 23, 2008
Hi Nil,
WOW! What a situation for the boss to put you in. I am a very out going
person..so I don't have a problem telling people what I did [RNY].
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion of course.. but that does NOT
make them have the right to condem you for what YOU need and want.And they
may not. As we all know some places of employment live on gossip. Have your
surg and enjoy your NEW-life with better health to come and your real
FREINDS will be right next to you cheering you on all the way. Will keep
you in my prayers.
— tootsie52
September 23, 2008
Nik- I have the same problem, small office, gossip, etc. I have decided
to let my boss know (of course) and the people who work for/with me- and
tell them that it's not a secret so if people ask.....I'll be out for a few
days, so people will wonder anyway. I, like you, do not feel a mass e-mail
is the best way...just fuel for the gossip fire. I am hoping that people
will be supportive when I'm back. If they are not, then I hope they just
stay away!! My surgery date is Oct 2 - lap band- so I'll find out soon
enough!! Good Luck!!
— bev2345
September 23, 2008
Hey,
I understand how it is a sensitive issue and the Boss wants you to let the
others know. Well my advice is to tell the Boss that you are not keeping
it a secret and ask the Boss how you should go about letting everyone know?
Since it came from the Boss let the Boss deal with the issue just make
sure the Boss knows it is OK with you to pass the word.
— pjwinslow
September 23, 2008
How close are you with these 30 people other than being co-workers? I would
have a problem with my boss saying I have to tell them all the purpose of
my surgery. It's my personal business, and I dont think these people have a
distinct "need to know". Just telling a select few should be
enough in my book. I would nicely state to my boss that you have discussed
your surgery with your closest coworkers and suffice it for the others to
know you will be off of work for surgery and recuperation. If the others
are so concerned, they can ask the coworkers who are friends of yours. or
just not know. (In th eold days it was called MYOB ) I dont like the idea
of having to announce my personal business for the sake of acquaintances'
curiosity. To me that means extra jaws will flap and be prone to insert
their opinion or vocalize it. Not an advocate of broadcasting what's my
individual business only. What I really think is that your boss doesnt
want to be put on the spot of having inquiries made about your WLS surgery
so he's dictating what he would like you to do. That's your choice, not
his. He's out of bounds.
— zieberrae
September 23, 2008
I agree with the previous posts. I would too tell my boss that it is my
personal choice and that even though you arent trying to keep it a secret
you arent going to have a town hall meeting to broadcast it either. Then
I would deal with the individual questions, once I return, as I see fit.
— B. Jones
September 23, 2008
I had the same situation. I initailly told my boss and close friends. I
later told my team because I was going to be out of work and it was going
to affect them as well. Everyone has been very supportive. My boss asked
me one day how I would handle it when I really started to lose a lot of
weight. People would want to know what I had been doing. She had a point.
She did not dictate that I should tell everyone. It was simply something
to think about. I believe that my personal business is just that... mine.
However, I would not lie if anyone asked. I started telling a few more
people in the office and so far everyone has been very receptive. Like
most offices, there is a gossip mill in mine. I don't know how far the
word has gotten out and really don't care. I know that what I am about to
do is going to benefit me. I haven't heard any rumors either so maybe
those that know are keeping it to themselves. That would be nice. Good
luck and I guess my thought is if you feel comfortable telling people, it
has to be your decision. It's obvious that people will wonder. It has to
be your decision what you tell them. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
— MastaP
September 23, 2008
I think it is crazy for your boss to ask that of you - in fact, I think it
might be against the law - discrimination and harassment laws being what
they are....but that is a whole nother Opera. If you decide to tell
everyone - just do it a lunch in the lunch room and stand up proud and say
- I am taking some time off to have weight loss surgery. I have decided to
be proactive with my health and stop being reactive. I am doing this for my
health, for my.... you fill the blank. I wanted you all to know so that you
could support me. Good luck.
— jammerz
September 23, 2008
I you had a yeast infection, would you do a mass email? People close to
you know what's going on. You're not trying to keep a big secret. There's
probably one "big mouth" that would gladly spread your business.
Tell your boss you don't care who knows (if that's the case) but it's not
your responsibility to give 30 people "the heads up" on your
medical business.
Take care & Good Luck
Dee
— Dee L.
September 23, 2008
There sure are a lot of responses to this question! It's such an
emotional-filled issue. First, I totally agree with everyone that your
boss saying that is fine, but I'd take it as a suggestion, not something
that you must do. You can respectfully let your boss know that you've
thought about it and tell him how you've decided to deal with it. I think
writing a mass e-mail fuels the gossip because it's like publishing it in
the gossip newspaper. These days with the popularity of the surgery, it's
hard to lose so much weight without people figuring it out. I also heard
that it's harder to stay on the eating program when you're eating at work
if you're trying to have people not notice that you're eating differently.
Personally, I waited until I had a definite surgery date before I told
people. I told people I wanted to make sure it was definitely going to
happen before sharing it. I then decided I would tell my team and some
others and I wouldn't hide it, but I wasn't announcing it everywhere
either. I told my team and they were incredibly supportive. I think those
that aren't supportive don't usually say much to you personally. I told
people quite casually and with a positive tone and that set the tone. Just
remember that you and the professionals you have consulted know way more
about this than anyone you will talk to at work, unless they've had it
themselves. If people think it's an easy way out, remember it's not true,
I see it as a "different" way out, a way that will work for me.
If I wanted to, I told people I have been through a very rigorous screening
process, and as far as how I'll do after, I tell them that I plan to follow
the recommendations of the medical professionals (regardless of their
suggestions). If people say inaccurate (or rude) comments about it, you
can say "Yes, there are a lot of misconceptions out there about this
kind of surgery". I find that people really responded to my
confidence that this was the right thing for me, that physicians have told
me to do it for a while, that statistics prove that it's healthier for
people in my situation to do it than not to do it, that statistics show
that the majority of people in my situation that lose weight with diet and
exercise don't maintain it, that I don't know how many years of obesity I
need to prove to myself or others, for that matter, that I need a different
way to take care of this. I think the most important thing is that people
will respond to your attitude when you present it, that they don't need to
agree with you, that you don't owe any explanation to anyone but explaining
it might make life easier for you. Also, I have to tell you that I really
dreaded telling anyone and was pleasantly surprised to see that everyone
responded very, very well. Best of luck to you. Hold your head up high!
Jasmine 222
— Andrea F.
September 23, 2008
Well speaking from experiance my advice from my Doctors was to be carefull
who you tell and I was planning on that until the weight fell off and you
cant lose over 170 and in a year and not tell people so it depends on the
weight you lose many happy blessings Cindy
— toyotawife
September 23, 2008
Personally, I think your boss is wrong, and it is probably also illegal for
him/her to push you towards "anouncing" to everyone that you've
had WLS. My thoughts are, why anyone needs to "anounce it"? It's
not as if you're an alien from another planet, or you have Leprosy, and now
your co-workers need to be informed of it; you had a personal surgery......
What I do with regards to my job is - I haven't anounced it to anyone, nor
do I hide it..... I have told a few co-workers I had it, or was going to
have it, because I chose to share it with them, not because they had a
right to know somewhow..... Then, after surgery when I was noticeably
losing weight, if/when someone commented on my weight loss, I say
"thanks, I had weight loss surgery"..... Sometimes they'll ask
further questions, sometimes they don't. Usually, they'll respond,
"that's great, congratulations!" or something like that....... I
don't hide it, I am proud and grateful of my surgery. I also don't go out
of my way to tell people.....
— Gina S.
September 23, 2008
As soon as I made my decision to have lapband surgery I told my boss and
the girls that I eat lunch with. I'm a very outgoing, talkative person and
because I was so excited to be having this done, I did not have any issues
telling people. I didn't make a mass announcement but when the opportunity
arose, I would tell people what I was doing. To this day, there are some
people I have not told, but I'm sure thru the "office rumor mill"
they know I did something! You can't hide 55 pound weight loss in five
months! I have had only one person be negative towards my choice - and
that was not a colleague - everyone has been very happy and supportive in
my decision and weight loss journey. In your case, since your boss wants
you to tell the others, and since it's a small office, I think telling
people would be wise - - it will alleviate alot of questions afterwards.
Doing it before you can explain what you the procedure is like and what you
will be eating afterwards. Also, if you do it in a group setting, you know
you are giving them the correct information so that the rumors will be kept
to a very minimum! Good luck!
— Monte57
September 23, 2008
I am going through a similar thing. My surgery is in a few days and I
haven't told my boss, my parents or any family members other than my
husband and children. I only let my boss know I would be needing to take
some time off for some surgery, and hoped he wouldn't have the nerve to ask
which, and thank goodness he didn't!!! I hate hearing everyone's
judgemental opinion and prefer to let them know after it's a fact. On the
other hand, I am afraid my parents will be hurt that I didn't let them
know... I really don't have any advice for you, but just thought it might
make you feel better to know that someone else is having a similar issue.
Zimra
— zimra
September 23, 2008
I am 4 weeks post op and I told my direct boss only. I didn't think that
it was anyone elses business. I work on a management team of only 22
people but I just told them that I was going on vacation for 2 weeks.
— phyllismmay
September 23, 2008
I haven't read the previous answsers to your question, this is my opinion.
First, your Boss has NO right to tell you that you have to tell anyone
anything. It is your choice, if you do not want to tell, DON'T.
Second, I would do the mass e-mail, IF YOU CHOOSE to tell. Something like
this:
As some of you may be aware, I will be taking an extended medical leave for
a surgery I had been planning for some time. This surgery has been
researched and the benefits outweigh the risks. Yes, I am having Gastric
Bypass Surgery on (insert date)
As much as I appreciate all of your support and concern, I have made my
choice and plan to go ahead with this surgery. Since having major surgery
has it's risks, I would prefer not to hear about "people you
know" who have had the surgery. I am doing this for myself and I have
researched the pros and cons with the surgery. I know that you all have my
best interest at heart, but I really would appreciate it if you would
respect me on this wish. If anyone has any questions, I would be more than
happy to discuss this with you on a one to one basis.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers during my surgery and recovery.
I look forward to getting back to work to see all of you.
Something on that idea....tell them but being nice tell them you don't want
to hear the negative, YOU KNOW BOTH SIDES.
Good Luck, in both the announcement and the surgery! I think if you don't
want to tell, you don't have to. That is why we have HIPPA Laws. Health
information is private.
— imaswtgrl
September 23, 2008
A friend of mine decided not to tell anyone. When the weight loss started
showing and she is asked how are you losing weight or are you ill,she
confidently replies,"no I am not ill but I appreciate your concern. I
am eating high protein foods and exercising more."
Do what is best for you and please don't feel that you need to tell anyone
you don't want to!
— Jen R.
September 23, 2008
I went through same thing with my WLS. I told my closest friends and
colleague. I told my supervisor and manager that I was going on leave for
"procedure". I did not tell them any specifics. You are correct
that this is a personal matter. Don't let your boss pressure you into
anything.
— lakia1908
September 23, 2008
As a manager, I can tell you it is wrong fr your boss to require you to
give any more details than you want to regaring your upcoming surgery. In
fact, you didn't even have to tell your boss. A request for medical leave
is sufficient, and if you have to complete FMLA papers, your surgeon can
complete the documentation by indicating you are having surgery and will be
unable to work for the specified period of time. It is entirely up to you
to discuss whatever details you wish, or none at all. If people are prone
to gossip, and most are, office settings being hotbeds of juicy
gossip!--then they will gossip any way. If it's not speculation on what
surgery you're having, it will be something else, guaranteed :).
Congratulate yourself on taking this step to reclaim your life and discuss
only in the amount of detail with which you feel comfortable.
— Jasmine130
September 24, 2008
I agree that your boss shouldn't "make you" tell everyone... but
be that as it may... she has said it and I know how that can be... you
"have to" do it. The best way? I'd have a party and invite
everyone... and tell them all then... outside of work in a social
atmosphere. You'll feel more comfortable (with your home ground advantage)
and they might too (not that what they feel about your surgery really
matters). You could make it a "WLS theme" party and have people
bring pot-luck dishes that are healthy and in doing so they might learn a
little bit too! Good luck!!
— pattschiele
September 24, 2008
I wouldn't make an issue of it and most of them won't either. I told a few
people and everyone knew I was off work for surgery, but not what kind.
Once I got back and was much thinner, most figured it out...It really
wasn't something I told people, but when they would ask, I was proud of
myself for doing what I needed to do for me and my family's future, so I
shared...I have a friend who does daycare in her home and told only two
people before her surgery. She just told me about 3 months ago and it's
been almost a year, I had suspected, but didn't ask, I figured she would
tell in time...She is feeling very guilty about people thinking she did
this all on her own...I would just tell the people you are closest to and
let the others come to you after...Your boss has no right to make that
decision for you...Good luck
— andrealej
September 24, 2008
Nik -- oh, jeez, if it's not the Negative Nellies it's the Trumpeting
Trudies .... as if we didn't have ENOUGH going on when we have our WLS! As
other posters have suggested, I don't think you have to tell anyone
anything you don't want to tell them, particularly 30 co-workers. It
sounds to me like your boss is all about "sharing", but, as
someone else put it, if you had a yeast infection or a mild case of the
trots would you be expected to send out a newsletter? Did the guy in
Accounting who had a hernia repair do an e-mail blast to all and sundry?
How about the cafeteria lady who had the hysterectomy a year ago last June?
I have my suspicions that this is not about that you are having surgery,
but the type of surgery you are having. When I had my surgery in April
2000, I just told everyone -- including my boss at the time -- that I was
having some "plumbing work done" and left it at that. If any of
my co-workers asked I told them that, too, and they pretty quickly learned
not to ask any more (fill in your own disgusting "plumbing work"
visual here). If and when you choose to share your story with anyone in
your workplace, go ahead -- but your boss should not be insisting that you
do so. Best of luck --
— Cheryl Denomy
September 24, 2008
I agree with a lot said on most of the responses to your post. I do
believe that it is illegal for your boss to tell you to divulge your
information to the whole crew. I only told my immediate family and some
close friends about my plan for getting the band and no one was negative
about it. I wasn't ashamed to tell anyone, it just never dawned on me to
tell anyone else. So many people are getting WLS nowadays that I didn't
see it as a hot topic that just must be spoken about. When people ask me
questions about it, I answer them with a wealth of knowledge and end up
talking to most people for at least 30 minutes, sometimes more than an
hour. And other people lurking around tend to gravitate towards the
conversation and join in. Fortunately, I have never had anyone speak
negatively toward me about it. They'd be awful sorry since I took up Tae
Kwon Do HAHAHA! Maybe that is why they don't get nasty! My ability to
take up martials after weight loss always comes up early on in the
conversation. Most people that I talk to and are thin are usually flabby
and out of shape as well. Maybe they are afraid of me since I am becoming
"Helga-esque". That is all good with me! Anyway, why do some
people think it is such a big deal in a world where cosmetic surgery is so
common place? We are not doing it purely for looks, we are doing it for
health and longer lives! To live lives of quality rather than suffer
terrible afflictions brought on by obesity. We are not getting all shot up
with Botox or collagen because of society's skewed image of what beauty is.
I say that the people who have negative stuff to say about WLS need to
shut the *@&% up. They obiously have way too much time on there hands
if they have time to open their mouths to dump out crap, trying to make
others feel bad about something they should not feel bad about. Go bother
the peope who are addicted to getting Botox and plastic surgery for glamour
purposes. They are the ones with the real problem!
— ImanAbdulaziz
September 24, 2008
When I first decided to have WLS....I mentioned it to a few of my fellow
coworkers....who were not only RN's....but also overweight. If anyone
would understand, know the risks, and who should have been supportive...it
would be a pack of RN's. But they ridiculed me.....told me I was crazy,
stupid and that I could DIE. Not the support I was looking for. So I hid
it. I said I was having a cholecystectomy. Took only 1 wk off following
surgery.....suffered thru lunches where I couldn't eat...made up excuses of
nausea and vomiting post surgery.....and made excuses about my quick and
dramatic wt loss. I know they had to know.....but after the rejection and
hurt....then my lies.....I never had the guts to come clean but always felt
horrible guilt. Because of their reaction to my mentioning I was THINKING
about WLS....I couldn't bring myself to tell family or closest
friends...for fear of further humiliation and ridicule. Eventually I did
tell my direct family...who were THRILLED....but never my friends.....still
that guilt that I lied and me being a chicken. As for my coworkers..... I
moved to another state before my wt loss was complete. I made the
decision to NOT LIE and to be honest with my new coworkers and new friends.
It worked out so much better. They were all supportive as I lost my wt
and succeeded my goals. My suggestion is to be open and honest....expect
some support but expect some negative reactions. Dont' hide it or not talk
about it....because in the end...telling them is far easier then not...or
lying. I totally regretted my decision and wish things had gone different
with those I reached out to....and because they were my nursing peers....I
took their reaction hard....and chickened out on telling my friends who
mean the most....and probably wouldnt have acted like crazy jealous loons.
So take if from someone who has been there....just tell them....be
honest...and let the chips fall where they might. You are doing this for
you...and that is all that should matter. Good luck! Wish you much
success!
— jamiedaugherty
September 24, 2008
Thank you all so much for your wonderful answers and for sharing your
experiences with me. Yeah, simply broadcasting it wouldn't work for me and
my personality. I tend to be pretty selective with what I share with
people. My boss isn't forcing me; I think her concern was that it will
become pretty obvious in a few months and yeah, we have some
"Trumpeting Trudies" here and a couple of people have wondered
about the time I've taken off for appointments. Nevertheless, I'm very glad
that she and the others I've shared with have been so supportive and happy
for me. So, once I've had my pre-op appointment on Monday things will move
to a "need-to know" basis. I'll tell my department, since we're
all fairly close, those I usually eat or will be traveling with, and a few
others. Realistically speaking, I seriously doubt it could ever be a true
secret in my workplace-- it's amazing how many people have noticed that I
lost 11 lbs over the course of 3 months-- I know they'll pick up on massive
weight loss and worry that I'm deathly ill. So anybody else that cares
enough to ask will probably get quite an informative (and highly detailed)
info session. ;)
— snickersblk
September 25, 2008
Why not wait until after the surgery to tell people? When they ask about
your "vacation" and that you seem smaller, just laugh and tell
them you spent your holiday having gastric surgery and recovering.
Although I understand your boss' perspective, she cannot expect or require
you to tell everyone your private business before you choose to. She also
cannot legally tell them anything about your private business. Only tell
who you want when you want. After the surgery, tell everybody since
everyone will notice and you won't be able to keep it a secret anymore.
Best of luck!
Sandra
— sandra17
September 28, 2008
Many of us are/were in a similar situation. I also chose to not keep it a
secret and told some of my closer coworkers. I didn't want to make a
major announcement about it so I chose to tell the building gossip maven,
being sure to tell her that I wasn't keeping it a secret but neither was I
making a major announcement. I knew she would, by her nature and past
experience, be sure to let everyone know what I was doing and that she was
the first to know! It worked beautifully - I came back from surgery and
all knew and welcomed me back with no stress on my part about telling
anyone anything (in my workplace if you show fast wt loss they all assume
you have cancer!) Problem solved without a general announcement. As an
aside I would say that one of the reasons that I decided to be open about
the surgery was that I couldn't find anyone who had experienced it and so
had no one to talk to about what to expect. I am amazed at how many people
are so interested in the process either for themselves or for
friends/family members and are keen to talk about it. So far I have only
come across one person in the 400 I work with that has been negative and
frankly I just ignore her. The others, even those I barely know have been
super supportive and encouraging.
Basically - do what is comfortable for you - this time is your time and no
one should be deciding what or how you should do anything. Good Luck
— Duckie
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