Question:
How to follow thur with surgery when your family is against you having it?
My husband is totally against me having this surgery. I can not get him to understand this is something i need to do for myself. I don't want to go against his wishes but this is the only way to loose the weight and keep it off. I've tried all the diets and even lost 40lbs. on weight watchers but it back within a year. I have consider going having the surgery and not telling anyone. Advice needed, please. — vanessa21 (posted on December 2, 2006)
December 1, 2006
Has your husband gone to any of the support group meetings with you? Is he
afraid that the change in your body is going to change who you are the
inside? Is fear is probably his own feelings of insecurity about your
relationship AFTER the surgery. Sounds like insecurity to me -- I strongly
suggest couples counseling and have the surgery any way. I know you don't
want to go against his wishes, however, this isn't about him -- its about
you and he needs to understand that. Its about your health and quality of
life.
— the7thdean
December 2, 2006
You should tell your husband that your going to have the surgery (how would
you keep something like that a secret), but as far as everyone else I
wouldn't. If you work outside your home you will end up telling your
employer, but you don't have to go into detail, just tell them your having
surgery.
As far as your husband being against this surgery, maybe he's just afraid
that things might go wrong. Take him to your support group meeting where
he can meet people who have had the surgery and their support people.
There he'll learn more about life after WLS. You could also give him some
books and brochures to read about the surgery.
Could he be afraid that if you lose the weight that you could become more
attractive and lose you to another man?
Your comment "I've tried all the diets and even lost 40lbs. on weight
watchers but it back within a year", kind of scares me.
This surgery is not a given for weight loss, it's a tool to help loose the
weight and we have to work hard at keeping it off. If you go back to your
old habits of grazing, overeating, or whatever the weight WILL come back
on.
Good luck on your journey,
Nee P
— Nee P
December 2, 2006
If he is over weight then he is afraid of losing you later on... or he may
just be afraid of losing you to the surgery if it were to go wrong for some
unfore seen reasons... Yourself is what counts in this life and you should
do what you have to for You as no one else is going to as they dont care
about you like you do... I did it for me... My husband was against it
also... we are still together but he does have issues with my being smaller
and he is a big man i tell ya... not so much as fat but just big and
broad.... take care of you...
love flo
— Flo
December 2, 2006
Hi... Sorry to hear you are having so much unrest at home. But, I agree
with all of the others who have posted before me on several accounts. (1)
This is about you and not him. This is about your health, being able to
get healthier, live longer, and have the best quality of life while you are
living that longer life. (2) He is worried about you... we have all talked
to people when we started talking about WLS that have been doom-sayers -
"don't do it", "I once knew someone..." (all of us
women know the same kind of thing when we have been pregnant, people seem
to feel justified to tell us their delivery horror stories... (3) His lack
of knowledge about this surgery... take him to a preop information meeting.
There are lots of books out there regarding WLS, if you think he will read
them. If not, get one and leave it out on the coffee table, etc. Maybe he
will pick it up and read it when you are not around. (4) He may be
insecure.... you are safe right now.. when you lose the weight and become
attractive to all again, is he afraid that your relationship is weak enough
that you will leave him? If he won't agree to couple's counseling, don't
force him. BUT, you need counseling to help you figure out why you are
self-medicating with food. After that isn't an option after the surgery,
what will you turn to for comfort that the food is providing for you now???
Drugs, alcohol? I went through counseling for months and helped me with
my issues, developed some coping mechanisms that are healthy. I couldn't
see myself turning to drugs or alcohol, but I could sure see myself putting
us in the poorhouse shopping... You follow your heart with this. Because,
my dear, at the end of the day, all any of us has is ourselves.... good
luck, keep all of us posted on how it is going....
— Kari_K
December 2, 2006
3.5 years ago my hubby was against it. He did not even go with me when I
went in to have it done. He had alot of vacation time but would not take
it. He is still against the fact that I did it. Now he does not want me to
have plastic sugery done.Like that will stop me.I am 42 I am doing this for
myself not for anyone else. Check your pros and cons then make your mind up
about what you want. I had a historectomy 2 years ago he thought I was
doing it because I wanted to. I was bleeding to death. He told his boss he
would not take off for it because work needed him more then I did. His
boss told him he was stupid and then explained that it was serious to go
home. This is the kind of male I deal with and have for 21 years. I think I
need my head checked;) Make sure you are doing this for you.
Good Luck Robin
— Robibob
December 2, 2006
I went through the same thing with my husband. He didn't want me to get
the surgery and his excuse was he loved me like I was 243lbs and my
response was I don't love myself like that. I am now 3 1/2 years post up
down to 128lbs and loving life and myself. He now doesn't want me to get
the plastic surgery well guess what this is for me not him. I spent most
of my life doing for everyone else now it's my turn. I feel good and have
so much energy now. I think when someone gets wls alot of time there
partners get insecure about the changes it will bring inside of us and out.
Good luck to you and your in my prayers.
— badkidzmom
December 2, 2006
My husband was not supportive in the beginning but then he went with me to
meet the doctor and he made a 360 degree turn....he saw that I was in good
hands and now he sees that I am losing and feeling good about myself. My
sister in law also spoke to him about my reasons for having the surgery and
he respects her opinion so I guess that did it too. Good luck.
— Sheri A.
December 2, 2006
I had the same problem. Mine was totally against it. I know why I wanted
to have surgery done. But he just could not understand. I have him the
book weight lose surgery for dummies and asked him to read it. Before to
long he came to me and told me he understood why I wanted to have it done.
Here I am 3 weeks post op and 33 lbs lighter.
— Kjackson2
December 2, 2006
I wholeheartedly agree with all of the above responses. You need to do this
for you, not him and not anyone else. If you aren't doing this for you then
don't do it, although, I am sure that you are doing this to feel better and
get healthier. Explain to your husband that you are slowly dying and that
this is your chance at living a longer and more fullfilling life. My bet is
that he is just scared and afraid of the changes you will go through.
Sometimes people get stuck in the rut of life and are comfortable with it.
With this type of surgery, there is no way you can not tell your immediate
family what you have done. Your recovery will be telling the tale that you
don't. You will eat totally differently and your dietary needs change. As
for friends and others, if they don't support you or can't at least be
positive for you then maybe they aren't your friend. Friends should be
supportive of each other even if they don't always agree what the other is
doing. True friends will at least. Your health is your private issue and it
is no one else's business what you are doing, so if you choose not to tell
anyone but your immediate family that's your choice. Do what your heart
tells you to do.
— oceanrayne
December 2, 2006
I had the same problem with my famliy and friend and my boyfriend but
nobody have to lug that weight around but you. I am 280 5'3 and only 33
tomorrow with a bad knee and get ting tried from a normal days work. they
said things like you need to try harder or my favorite one your going to
risk your life to be skinny. I have made my mine up I will be getting the
wls thank to the support from the people at OH thank you i love you guy i
am not alone anymore with my decision. I WILL BE HAVING THE WLS as soon as
i get a date. now i have the support of my boyfriend and some of my family
not my friends they still think that is a bad idea cause i can loss the
weight without surgery. i can but its keep coming back and then some. The
wls is just a tool it up to me to maintain. your husband should try and
understand how beening overweight make you feel so time. you shouldnt let
someone live your life but you. I was going throught the wls with or
without anyone support that why the have support groups I hope you get the
wls i research this for 3yr and this right for me for me. iam tried of been
overweight every event and play and hurting my knee. I hope i help wish
you luck keep us up dated on your decision.
— griffith
December 2, 2006
I had the exact same problem as you. I finally decided that this was
something I had to do for me and that no one else could make that decision.
It was realllllly rough, and at one point I was afraid we might split up
over it (read my blog for August 2006). I invited my husband to the pre-op
appointments so he could ask questions, voice his fears, etc., but he
didn't come with me (he still says that he wanted to but that I left
without him... I had to leave by a certain time and he knew far well what
time we had to leave and he wasn't home yet). In any event, I stuck to my
decision and luckily he did come with me for my surgery out of town. Once
he met the surgeon (who is a wonderful human being), my husband eased up a
bit. Today, two months later my husband is glad that I had the surgery.
Hang in there and remember that you are doing this for YOU and no one else.
— anne_b
December 2, 2006
I agree with everyone else's posts. The only concern I have is what kind of
support will you have on surgery day, in the hospital and when you come
home. If you can get another relative or another wls buddy to help you,
then I say go for it. But you will need some support at home immediately
following the surgery. Good luck and don't stop going forward for anyone. I
am pre-op and have decided that no one is going to stop me from having the
quality of life that I deserve.
— shrkwmn
December 2, 2006
I KNOW WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH.I HAD MY RNY DONE IN 2002.MY WHOLE FAMILY
WAS DEAD SET AGAINST IT.MY SISTER TALKED TO ME ALL ABOUT THE NEGATIVE
THINGS TILL SHE WAS BLUE IN THE FACE.I WENT AHEAD WITH IT ALL BY MYSELF
WITH NO SUPPORT FROM NO ONE,AND GUESS WHAT, WOO AND BEHOLD MY SISTER THAT
WAS DEAD SET AGAINST IT AND SO NEGATIVE HAD HER RNY DONE 2 YRS AGO.ISNT
THAT AMAZING HOW FAMILY CAN BE?
DO WHAT YOU FEEL IS BEST FOR YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU.
— deb44m
December 2, 2006
Vanissa:
I so appreciate your question, it is a tough corner to be in. I had the
very same situation as you, and it was a hard time for me. I am a
Christian, so I began with praying and open communication with my husband.
I made a committ both to The Lord and my husband that I would not move
forward without his blessing. Vanissa if something happened during
surgery, he had to be the one to take care of me. I needed him on my side.
It took about 9 months, but when he saw that I was willing to change my
habits, was patient with him and considerate with him about this big
surgery, God softened his heart toward surgery and me about this issue, and
he supported me fully. Fortuneately I had no real complications, and
things went well, but if they did not, I had peace that we made the right
decision together. I encourage you in the same way. I don't know if you
are a Christian or not, but God gave me peace as I sought Him on the
matter. I cannot promise that for you, but that is how I received my
answer on how to move forward. I wish you well, and agonize with you as
you struggle with your pain on this issue.
Take care,
Patricia P
— Patricia P
December 3, 2006
I agree with everyone else here, Debra said something that I really relate
to in how family or other people are about this. For me personally, what I
think it is with some of the people who try to talk you out of it by
telling you all the things that they have "heard" about this
surgery is just the fact that you are trying to better yourself and some
people, (particularily in my life) are so jealous that you want to try and
make positive changes in your life and maybe they are'nt totally happy with
their own lives, thoughts and feelings that they dont want you to feel
better about yourself because they dont like their own self. ....if this
makes any sense? I totally feel for you though and wish you the best of
luck in your decision. I am doing this surgery regaurdless of what anyone
thinks because I have wanted to be healthy and feel good about myself in
the way I look and not have barriers between me and the things in life that
I wish to do since childhood. I am praying to GOD that everything goes
smoothly and everything will turn out good for me, because I am scared, I
am scared if I do it and scared if I don't but more scared if I do not
because I know now that there is hope and there is this tool to help me
acheive this. So I just educate myself through my doctors and this website
and other and supportive people who have had this surgery. Forget what
other people say, listening to what all these other people and what they
had to say is what has gotten me in this place to begin with ( I mean
really) Anyways, in answering your question, advice is tell anyone you
think is going to be supportive, you are an adult and you are the one who
makes decisions on your own body, this is for you and you deserve to feel
better. As far as your husband goes, that is your call, but I would tell
him im doing it and just try and educate him more on it and just reassure
him all the reasons that you love him, mine supports me in whatever my
decisions are, but yes he is insecure too but I just told him how I see it,
If he loved me enough to be with me when I was fat then he is worth being
with if im thin, why would I want to be with some one who only seen me at
my best?? Besides that I love him, he is my husband who I took a oath to
love till death we part. Also, who wants to have to retrain a new man?
LOL..j/k
— Rhonda Lassabe
December 3, 2006
O have to honestly say that if I could have lost the weight without the
surgery, i would never have had the surgery. You still need to watch what
you eat and exercise! The surgery is very difficult, so if you can lose
without it, you would be better off doing so.
— Novashannon
December 4, 2006
I've heard of people saying they had gall bladder surgery. Others have
said they had a thyroid condition which they had treated (to explain the
weight loss). I would go over to Barb Thompson's site because she has a
section there for significant others and family that are scared of you
having surgery. Honestly in this day and age, especially if you have it
lap, it's a piece of cake (no pun intended). ;-)
— j_coulter
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