Question:
They don't understand
I have two questions: 1. Did any of you have tummy tuck type improvements made at the time of your bypass surgeries? and 2. You can tell my surgery is upon me but I've been thinking about writing some good-bye letters to my kids just in case a worst possible scenario should unfold. Did any of you do that? They have been tremendously supportive but all three wish I wouldn't do it and I know that deep down they don't really "get" why this risk is worth taking to me. I don't want them to be bitter or angry if something bad happens. But what to say... I'm at a loss to think of anything which might comfort them or help them understand. They are grown but I don't think it would help much. I can't very well educate them after the fact and they think this is just crazy mom doing something way too radical. Any wisdom from the group would be welcome. Thanks, Carol in Philly — Carol M. (posted on June 13, 1999)
June 13, 1999
Hi Carol,
Yes, indeed I plan on writing letters to my two grown children and husband
just in case the worst scenario happens. I have my letters done, and put
up where only my husband knows where they are with the instructions to him,
that the letters are not to be given to the kids unless the worst happens.
You are right, your letters aren't the time to try to educate them, right
now is.
I am sure your children like mine are just concern for your welfare. I
would not worry about what to write, just sit down and let your heart
dictate your words to you, they will come. Just tell them what is in your
heart, your love for them. :)
Hugs,
Edie
[email protected]
Surgery Date: July 27, 1999
Dr. Baker/Little Rock, Arkansas
"The best and most beautiful things
in the world cannot be seen, nor
touched...but are felt in the heart."
Helen Keller
— Edie L.
June 13, 1999
HI. I had my tummy tuck done 11 months after original sugery, when I had a
revision done.I am very happy with the results. I love wearing stretchy
pants and seeing that flat tummy. As for your good-bye letters. I did that.
I put in there my reasons for surgery, the living hell I've had my 39 years
being fat and how I felt this was a last resort for me and I had no
regrets. I also put in them mushy stuff, how much I love them and the joy
they've brought to my life. I'm having surgey again June 23 and will leave
letters for them- just in case. Blessings (\O/) Bev.
— BJ K.
June 14, 1999
Carol...I can't help with the first part, but I know there are others who
can. as for the second part..My children were grown when I had my surgery
too I had 2 grandkids..newborn and age 2..that was probably the hardest
<sigh> I wrote letters to both my kids, and to the grand daughters.
In the letters, I really didn't address the WLS much, other than saying I
just couldn't live anymore. Fortunately, for me, emotionally, both my kids
knew that my life was in jeopardy without the surgery. I went through
awful times afterwards..was in ICU and nearly didn't make it. I had my
surgery in another state, and my Husband had to fly the kids out because
the Docs had told him that I was that close....I believe that even with
that close call, that if you asked my kids, they would both tell you that I
did the right thing. They were not big supporters when I went in..just
kind of resigned to it...
— Deanna D.
June 14, 1999
Carol - Answere to #2: Why not make a video. Tell them how you feel about
each of them and their support. Tell them about why you chose the surgery,
and your hopes and fears. A picture is worth a thousand words. They will
be able to read so much more about your feelings than you could ever write.
And, when all goes well, sit down and watch it with them. Best wishes!
— Fran W.
June 14, 1999
Carol, you can't have the tummy tuck at the same time as the by-pass
surgery because you need to lose the weight first (or atleast a good amount
of it). As far as having last minute jitters, I.m sure anyone going in for
any type of surgery gets last minute jitters. I know personally I get so
nervous before any surgery that I wind up with diahhrea. Even though I
don't think I'm nervous. I don't feel or look nervous but my insides say
differently. My first major surgery I was just about to be wheeled into
the O.R. and my stomache started to rumble. (having had irritable bowel at
the time I knew what that meant) Well, being I was over in the operation
area I couldn't get up and use the bathroom so I had to use a bedpan. They
tried to do everything to make it as least embarrassing for me as possible
but I was never so humiliated in my life. I just wanted to roll off the
gurney and hide under it. Plus now I was holding up the operation and
throwing their schedule all off. So the next time I had to go in for any
type of surgery I didn't eat the day before and took a fleets enema that
morning. When I got to the hospital, I wound up with diahhrea again. This
time it wasn't as bad because I still hadn't gone over to the operation
area so I was able to get up and use the bathroom. The next operation I
had I made sure I didn't eat for a day and a half and took two fleets
enemas. One the night before and one that morning. Same thing happened.
Got to the hospital and had to go to the bathroom. So when it was time for
my VBG (vertical banded gastroplasty) I told the doctor I'm not afraid of
the operation, nor the pain I'll be in afterwards, the thing that concerns
me the most is the diahhrea before the surgery. This group of doctors were
wonderful and told me not to worry they would prescribe a sedetive that
would calm me down inside where it seemed to be affecting me. So they gave
me xanex to take one the night before the surgery and one the morning of
the surgery. (I still took the good old enema just in case that morning)
Wound up going to the bathroom a little bit when I got to the hospital but
the xanex made me not care. I said to my husband it must just be a
reaction I have to a hospital. Anyway, everyone gets a little jittery but
don't let it consume you. Tell your children that without the surgery your
life will definately be shortened. They won't have you around as long as
they will once you have the surgery and lose the weight. Because if you
don't already have any of these it would be just a matter of time before
you developed diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, and a number of
other diseases that come along with being overweight. Tell them it will
not only improve your quantity of life but also your quality of life. I
feel like a new person. I'll do things now that I wouldn't have in the
past. I have a life now where before there was just an exsistance. If you
get a chance some day my doctor uses my before and after photos in his
web-site that they're just making. It's www.caremax.org and once the
homepage comes up click onto obesity/bariatric surgery at the end of the
information is a bit of my testimony and my before and after pictures. God
bless you as you go for your surgery. Fear not! Donna, Mastic, N.Y.
— Donna C.
June 14, 1999
Dear Carol,
I think it is always wise for anyone contemplating surgery to be prepared
for all outcome scenarios. I prepared my own Memorial Service including a
specific list of people to invite. However, I also prepared myself
spiritually and physically for the surgery (NOT WLS but the cutting off of
my apron of fat). I had taken a course in intuitive Medicine and became a
Reiki Master prior to surgery. I was ready for what ever opportunity
presented itself. We must not have regrets, we must be at peace within our
minds, spirit, and be thankful to our Fat bodies for the great lessons of
life that it has allowed us to learn to this point. With gratitude as our
focus the chasm does not seem near as wide. I actually recorded loving
words in my own voice telling my body how muich I loved and appreciated it
and how I knew it would heal well because I knew it loved me. I especially
thanked my apron of FAT for loving me and helping me to slow down when I
needed to. I let my apron of fat know that it had served its purpose and I
thanked it for the opportunity it had given me for the past 12 years. May
sound strange but it sure worked for me. I had prayers being sent out from
all over the world for my surgery and surgeons before during and after, for
all to be done for my good and for the highest purpose. I still have
people who constantly keep me in prayer as I am still healing from this
cutting away. So, yes do write or better yet say what you would want to say
to your freinds and family if you knew this was your last day, but, do
everything to be at peace and prepare yourself so it won't be. Remember,
never have regrets. I hope you can make some sense of this. I am trying
to be as middle of the road as I can be.
If you would like I would be glad to add you to my Pipe (prayers).
I will be interested to learn if the Doc's will do a tummy tuck at the same
time. I have not heard of this being done.
I send you light and love.
JC
— Jeannette C.
June 14, 1999
I wrote my daughter a letter, but I wouldn't call it a
good-bye letter. I explained my reasons for having the
surgery, both selfish and not. I reminisced about some of
the fun things we have done, gave her advice for the future
and did my best to let her know how much I loved her. I did
it all on the computer and then when I got home, I erased it.
It made me feel a little more relaxed about the surgery.
— patti S.
June 14, 1999
On the Tummy Tuck ... unless you're only slightly overweight I seriously
doubt that the surgeon will do a tummy tuck. They normally require you to
be at or near a "normal" weight for a while before considering
it, and it's usually a different doc. On the "goodbye" letters,
I'd write them, in a very positive loving sense, BUT I'd also write them
only to be read IF you don't pull through. The risk of that happening is
less than 1%. Maybe I'd start with ... If you're reading this, I didn't
make it through the surgery ... I want you to know how very much I love you
... explain your reasons for taking the risk is the hope of a far longer
life than you'd have with them if you didn't have the surgery. I wouldn't
want them to read the letter prior to surgery, because they may be even
more fearful you'll not make it. But look at the positives, be certain
you're doing what you need for you, be certain you're confident in your
surgeon, the operating staff and their abilities. Best Wishes! See ya Post
op!!! :)
— Sherrie G.
June 15, 1999
I wrote 'last letters' as well. I have no children, and am not married,
but am very close to my family. I just wanted them to know that I was in a
better place, so they'd better not greive! On a more serious note, if
your family doesn't really 'get' the seriousness of the surgery, perhaps
you should make them understand the life you would lead without
surgery(remaining morbidly obese with difficulty moving, pain when you do
move, and greatly increased chance of co-morbidities - bad quality of
life), versus the life you can have with surgery (greater mobility, less
pain, increased lifespan - much greater quality of life). If you put this
in a letter, then it would help them deal with your death (hopefully it
won't happen!), in that unlikely event. If you do not die, then you don't
have to send the letter -- they will see the change in you, and hopefully
will understand in time. Good luck!
— Elizabeth W.
June 16, 1999
I had the panniculectomy a year after my RNY. My three daughters
were really opposed to my surgery prior to it. They thought I could
loose it some other way. However, they did take excellent care of me
and were extremely supportive of me once they found out I was determined
to do it. In my case, I had diabetes and was loosing both my feet due to
the
neuropathy. My surgery was a necessity to keep my feet. I felt like I was
dying
each and every day and for me to continue to live like that and loose both
feet
seemed far more radical to me than the surgery. Turned out to be the best
thing
I could have ever done. I too had thoughts of writing letters. I say if
you want to
do that, go for it. I wish you well. Let us hear from you. We all care or
we wouldn't be
here answering these questions.
— Peggy W.
March 24, 2000
I have not had my surgery yet, but I plan to have the panniculectomy (tummy
tuck) along with my surgery. My doctor offers it as a choice, but an
additional out of pocket cost. Insurance companies will not cover the tummy
tuck as it is considered cosmetic. I may have to have it again down the
road, but that is ok, not to see that apron will be wonderful. As far as
the letter to family, I have been thinking the same way, but afraid I would
jinks myself (I know that sounds silly), but I think I might leave
something speical for each of my children with a I love you note on the day
of my surgery. My own mother died when I was eleven and I can not bare to
think of my children going through what I went through and still do (I am
not 45) at that kind of loss. I do want them to have something special from
me that could become a cherished keepsake should I not make it,BUT when I
do make post-op, it will then just be a nice trinket from Mom. Best of luck
to both of us on the other side (post-op).
— Barbara S.
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